I. LOVE. THE. NEWS!

One more (there's a proper post in the half finished pile, be patient) news item for you. And it's the best. Brace yourself, this one's a good one

No Oats

I'm absolutely rubbish at taking notes I have discovered. In fact, Dauve should remember this from GCSE english (unky moe?), but at UKC it seems my ineptitude has taken further hold. Not only do I write nothing usable when out of context, I also (to alleviate boredom) write things that, when coming across them tonight) made me giggle insanely. I present these to you.

During the screening of "The Exception and the Rule" by Brecht

From Laura:
I really don't think she should do her hair like that...
That guy is INSANE
His other plays are better

Me: Patrick Troughton!
Laura: ?
Me: 2nd Doctor Who
Laura: Oh

Ever heard of DVD (a remark on the shocking quality of the video)

Great 'tache!

For one of my Seminars

(Richie need sleep. Fire make cheese)

Artaud and Freud (Artaud and Friends!)

Monkey Sex! LOTS of monkey sex!!!

Well I'm eating at 7ish, aud at 830-9. After that I'm free (I have no idea why I wrote that)

Futurists - audience riots! RARG!! Kill those with brains!

Artaud - our toad. (Ribbit!)

T3h Playgz

Stage Management. We are a doughnut. We are the jam.



Drama students rule!

Chard Checks in

I'm in one of those moods. I don't know what kind of mood that is (and no, drunk isn't a mood so much as a 'state') and lord knows I'd rather not have it pinpointed. Though I could get Emma to psych me, but that would give me a needless diagnoses, and then I'd have to act or some shit and you'd worry and life would be better; and who wants that?!

I dunno what it is. I don't feel in anyway depressed (worry ye not, chard is going no further in his chronic emoness), but in the same way I'm not exactly skipping in glee.

Uni, i'd like to immediately qualify, has absolutely nothing to do with this feeling. If anything it's helping alleviate it; the course while strenuous is everything I wanted and more (read: movement classes are slimming me down) and the people and places are absolutely fantastic. I have a great group of friends, both inside and outside of my course, and I'm not having any of those whiny "i want to go home" urges most people seem to be getting(and fiar play to them, maybe they didn't spend ayear getting so fucking bored as I did). It's just wierd.

I'd like to qualify before i get any faux therapy from anyone - I love uni, it's all i wanted and after only 5 weeks i can see it being a fantastic chapter in my life. I guess I am feeling a little bit cheated by all the people hyping it as the 'best years ever' and finding little to support that as yet, but hey thats time. It may get better. Life may bend me over and rape me horribly (such as it's been known to do) but hey if anything else people have seen that I'm flexible enough to kick it in the face as it does so.

I guess if I'm forced to admit it, I do miss the old crowd. I miss those day's in the railway or sheep, all of us getting fucked off our faces and waking up the next morning, only to meet that evening and compare hangover notes. Admittedly i had a year adjustment period where people where gone and I could get used to the idea, but it's still odd. I mean, it wasn't all that long ago (a near as dammit 10th of my life infact). It's just odd without the crowd. In someways better in someways worse. For one thing im slimmer, but damn it im soberer...

Sod it all. I think I'm just pissed off this is the third day in the row I've failed to do my laundry and I'm now out of clothes.

The laundry basket is laughing at me...

Playing: Final Fantasy VI. Soon to be Phantom Hourglass
Reading: Every book blackwells fucking stocks..
Listening to: 'Crushcrushcrush' - Paramore
Annoyed with: Everything in that post except the punchline
Mood: Missing a halo
Song currently stuck in head: 'Science Fiction' - Rocky Horror
Favourite Song of the Minute: 'Evoke' - After Forever

I'm going straight to Hell

I won't bother linking to the story (it's not really that good) but this headline had me laughing into breathlessness:

"Diana car 'may have had a bump'"

'The mangled wreckage and 3 dead occupants? Yeh, I mean, that'll probably just buff right out...'

I love Artaud!

Artaud was a nutter. A passage from his seminal work, The Theatre and it's Double (which I have to read for a 9am tomorrow)

Once the plague is established in a city, the regular forms collapse. There is no maintenance of roads and sewers, no army, no police, no municipal administration. Pyres are lit at random to burn the dead, with whatever means are available. Each family wants to have its own. Then wood, space, and flame itself growing rare, there are family feuds around the pyres, soon followed by a general flight, for the corpses are too numerous. The dead already clog .the streets in ragged pyramids gnawed at by animals around the edges. The stench rises in the air like a flame. Entire streets are blocked by the piles of dead. Then the houses open and the delirious victims, their minds crowded with hideous visions, spread howling through the streets. The disease that ferments in their viscera and circulates throughout their entire organism discharges itself in tremendous cerebral explosions. Other victims, without bubos, delirium, pain, or rash, examine themselves proudly in the mirror, in splendid health, as they think, and then fall dead with their shaving mugs in their hands, full of scorn for other victims.

Over the poisonous, thick, bloody streams (color of agony and opium) which gush out of the corpses, strange personages pass, dressed in wax, with noses long as sausages and eyes of glass, mounted on a kind of Japanese sandal made of double wooden tablets, one horizontal, in the form of a sole, the other vertical, to keep them from the contaminated fluids, chanting absurd litanies that cannot prevent them from sinking into the furnace in their turn. These ignorant doctors betray only their fear and their childishness.

Now THAT'S writing!

I should read the news more often..

Another gem from BBC News. I could not stop giggling...

Just got back from Whitstable, and now i have to read a lot, so I can't say much here. Proper post soon. Pwomise...

And they say news is no longer relevant

Browsing the respectable news outlets today, this story caught my eye.

I liked the phrase "The study suggested as a woman runs a mile, her breasts bounced 135m."

Ah the world we live in

Tales of Cauntbury, a Chardes Tale

'sup homes?

I'm ashamed of every single one of you. You all gave me all this advice about Uni, such things like 'it'll be really fun', and 'you'll meet some great people', and let's not forget the old standard of 'you'll be fine'. I am absolutely ashamed of ALL of you for not actually giving me the biggest warning I might have needed before I arrived:

Eventually, you will fear people with leaflets!

I've been here a week, and somehow I have approaching a hundred menus, society leaflets, course timetables, general timetables and all the like, and that's not even mentioning the 500 sheets of paper I have for my printer. My table is lost under a sea of these things, and I'm not sure whether to sort them out adn chuck the ones I don't need or just keep them all in case I need them (not sure why that would be though).

But in other news, I can report I have settled in fine, Becket Court itself is lovely (shame about some of the people :P ) and my room is bigger than my one back in TMON, which is a touch I know I'm going to miss come home time. I've done a little bit of that wh0le personalisation thing, and (as a true male student should) I am glad to say that my walls are now bedecked with a poster of 80's nostalgia (Thundercats) and a poster of lesbians (vampires in this case, not that annoyingly clichéd Tanya Chalkin thing...). And then to level those out I have a print of the Metamorphosis of Narcissus on my noticeboard. Though it must be said I am seriously tempted by this

The people are good, my neighbours are funky and the people doing drama I've met so far seem to be funky (even if I am totally jealous of certain Tyler Court residents and their annoyingly massive kitchens) and hopefully everyone else I encounter along this epic voyage of discovery will remain in this similar vein. Freshers Week is a smidge overrated however me feels, but I think that just may be my channelling a certain spirit of Dauvishness

I'll let you know of things as they happen, depeneding on how much work I get (4 hour practicals! WOO!) but I'll definitely be around. Generals anyone?

Now, who's going to be the first to visit? ;)
Chard

Playing: Lemmings/ Theme Hospital
Reading: Hamlet
Listening to: 'Moving to Blackwater' - Reuben
Annoyed with: Myself
Mood: Getting better
Song currently stuck in head: 'Shamandalie' - Sonata Arctica
Favourite Song of the Minute: 'Laid to Rest' - Lamb of God

Bleurgh

Work is dull...

Legibility is overrated,,,,

THe wonderfyul thing abotn being sprawled out on the floor whiole using a computer is that there's so much more space than there is on your bogstandard desk.to be fair this isnt difficult anyway, since my desk in the other room is usualy clogged up with all sorts of random crap: wires, letter, bank statements (should file those) food wrappers empty cups and all the like. However on the floor here thers room to just kick back and refuel, room to laty doew and enjoy all the thingsa the space has to offer. USing this space measnns I can do such random things as, oh I dont know, habving my keyboard and myself at one end of the room and the laptop at the other. THis not only ensures I have plenty of space but also that everything I type I cant see, thus rendering mistakes far more liberal to appearance in these pagse. It's quite odd, typing to an unseen screen, thuogh it doews present its problem (like the fact the last 3 lines had to be typed again becuase I didnt realise I was tpying into a norton window. THis also means (as you may have noticed) that I am far more frugal with presentation in gereal (punctuation, spacing, paragraphs etc) becuassee I cant get the visual sensde of them when blind. So, lets see how we do with this experiment hm?

Ok, things that have happoend. Had the inestimable company of Helen onFriday; and whiel this is something that is never usualy notable due to the fact it is usually pleasantly unremarkable, this particualr meeting must be noted down in these records for the simple fact that during her visit we actualyy DID things. As she wil not contest, our usual meetings generally dissolove into litle more than us sitting,/reclining somehwee of a varying degreee of comfort and talking childishly at each other and ending with her rendering me infertile with a well placed knee simply becuase I atgtacked her (bloody femininsts..) However, on friay as said, things were done and accomplished! First off we jaunted into Bromley, that most amazing habven of Cahvs and single mothers with afges in the single digits, while I hunted for camaras and she hunted for cheap but orgasmic chocolate (which does not, for the record include rum covered raisins). After heading home (onthe bus this time, cos helens legs are wusses) we sat (sorry) and watched Grosse Point Blank, which was also notable sincew helen DDINT fall asleep during it... much. I confess I didhave to prod her a litt.e. After that, we went and fetched (and then ate) food, before flyig off to teh pbuz, meeting people and company, before taking off, tasking hleen home. A full day we felt.

Other than that life has just been all about drinking, working, bit of WoW, and lots of panicking about KEnt. Not long now...

Ah well. Chard



Playing: Contact/ World of Warcraft
Reading: Nothing
Listening to: 'Symphony Nr 3 in E flat major - Beethoven
Annoyed with: Teeth
Mood: Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Song currently stuck in head: 'Dance Dance' - Fall Out Boy
Favourite Song of the Minute: 'Thnks fr th mmrs' - Fall Out Boy

Lap dance, chard style ;)

Ah my darlings, my dears, my sirs my madams, my mademoiselles my lovelies, my homies and my crew, my divine and my dreary, my folks and my me.

Consider these the first words submitted to blog form from the brand-spankingly new laptop de la Chardz. For the buffs amongst you, it's one of these.

As always, I have my certain own unique opinion on such an aqcuisition as this (along with my own unique way of phrasing, and indeed spelling most of that last sentence) and such observations are as follows:

1. My dad rocks immensely
2. Vista is wierd and deeply confusing
3. Mostly because it's basically Mac OS X...
4. Mouse touchpads are absolute wank in both function design and use
5. Mmm shiny blue lights everywhere!

In other Chard related news, I decided to fill the journey to work with the new DS stylings of both Elite Beat Agents and Contact. EBA is possibly the most addictive game ever made, the most mad, the funkiest, the maddest and most likely the toughest game ever to grce the duel screens of my DS (which I just had to check my brother wasn't sitting on). Have yet to try Contact, that may be my going to work game tomorrow.

Love and giggles
chard and the laptop

Playing: Elite Beat Agents/Guitar Hero II
Reading: Nothing
Listening to: 'Nothing'
Annoyed with: The bastards attached to my teeth
Mood: Wooful!
Song currently stuck in head: 'No One Knows' - Queens of the Stone Age
Favourite Song of the Minute: 'Freak on a Leash' - KoRn

Heeey, I remember this!

Yes, I haven't written here in a while, we all know can we just move on and stop with the harrassing andsilly put downs now? No? Oh fine...

Hello hello once again, i must say it has been a while hasn't it? What has kept me from updating these hallowed pages, these tomes of intellect, these archives of wit? No good reason. It's kinda paradoxical actually; I'm bored, but I don't blog to releive it, thus getting more bored, thus losing the bovveredness to actually do it. But, here I am once again, hoping to jump start the creative juices with an infusion of guarana and teak.

So, things and things, what have I done? Well there was obviously New Wine in which:

• I awoke at 6 everymorning, by design or otherwise
• I worked with 2 year olds for aweek
• I got abused by a 9 year old 14 year old
• I got a 2 year old a boyfriend, only for him to dump her cos she was playing with me
• A 7 (?) and a 4 year used me as a chair and spent a lot of time poking my teeth
• I spent a lot of time sitting around taking the scores for Gazeball
• I ate in the pub in Hot Fuzz, walked through the square in the shootout in Hot Fuzz, AND found the Church in Hot Fuzz, which believe it or not is the Parish Church of St. Cuthbert!

Since then? Work work work work work work work work. Work. Oh, and I saw Emmie the other day that was fun. And I saw Ami twice since New Wine, once crashing one of her rehearsals (that show is gonna be GOLD) and the other in t'pub on results day (well done her and her friends) and even had the previously unexperienced experience of driving 3 drunk girls, ranging in drunkeness from vomity (Amy) to cynically sober (Ami) home. Games days have been in full swing as usual (Guitar hero II and MarioParty 8 adding somewhat to the fun) and arses have been liberally kicked. Seen very little of Helen and Sarah, such seeming to be the quickly establishing norm, seen some of Stompp, even being a prestidigous guest at one of his gatherings, which meant all his friends had the joy of meeting little old me! All good fun and the violence for dominance of the pack was thankfully short and sweet.

Music! Ah yes, Chard has been expanding his music collection by way of Amazon and Dauve.coms. New revelations have been found (Tristania and After Forever), old alliances made stronger (Paramore, Sonarctica and Sirenia) and even as of yesterday, owning the new Nightwish single! Not that I hadn't heard it anyway, but still, pride of ownership and all that. And FIlms! Odeon proudly boast that 2007 is the 'Summer of Cinema' and they have been right! IN the last few months I have seen Harry Potter (utter fucktripe), Die Hard (*ecstatic shudder*) Transformers (Ok, but obviously filmed by someone very nervous) The Simpsons (like a long episode, but with Bart's penis). Films films films!

Hm, is that all... have I caught up enough... *czechs calender* ooh, Steve B's party, which between discussion with Owen about the Ubermensch Charles Lamb and fierce debate on religious beliefs with wierd people made for the funniest alcohol fueled night of some time.

Aaaand that's it. All I leave you with new is the question "what is with the recreational eating of peanuts" and this little flash animation which has helped me through some pretty tough times.

'chard

Ah crap, sorry I forgot, I have a place to live in Kent now. If you want me I am at:

144 Becket Court
University of Kent
Canterbury
Kent
CT2 7NS

Email: rms9@kent.ac.uk

Make me feel loved loves!

chard

Playing: Guitar Hero II/ Pokémon
Reading: Nowt
Listening to: 'La historia del mamut'
Annoyed with: my braces, change the record
Mood: Full
Song currently stuck in head: 'Meridian' - Sirenia
Favourite Song of the Minute: 'The Shining Path'/'Fences'/'Sister Nightfall'/'Sahara' - Tristania, Paramore, Sirenia, Nightwish

I have nothing to apologise for

Enjoy

Testosterone Poisoning

I wish to write a small message of recommendation.

I urge all those proud to call themselves men to go and see the macho fueled cinematic treat that is Die Hard 4.0

This film oozes testosterone do much you would think it was a hormone factory. It has it all; bullets, explosions, fights, boobs (could have done with more), fighters, big cars, bigger guns, hot females, Bruce Willis...

I feel like a hamster...

Post script

I forgot to tell you why the girl doing the quizzing in the George was so annoying!

Basically, she would ask the question, and leave us time to think about it and write anaswers down. Then, she would exclaim: "I'll repeat that again", and give us the question for a second time.

NO. No you won't! You WON'T repeat it again, because you haven't repeated it a first time!!!

Noone else knew quite what I was getting so worked up about...

Also, is this amusing or not? Answers on a postcard

Diolch yn fawr

I don't know why that title is in Welsh. You can blame my brother who, having returned from the place where sheep need fear for their innocence, has taken to communicating in some bizarre tongue. It's ancient inflections and bestial accents, forged in ancient times by pagan scribes, huddled around the blue flame of the village fire as the ethereal smoke wafts up to the night sky in a smokey hue; the shamans intone their wicked chants and cast their runes in the dust, 100 innocent virgins lined up to be sacrificed to the nether realm. That or he's speaking welsh. But what do I know?

Chard has been a busy busy busy bunny. In fact, that's rubbish, he hasn't been a bunny at all. He's still been human, but a particularly busy one. Such is that previous sentence rendered useless.

It's raining outside. I prune my non-trees with non-sequiturs.

Once a Catholic is over! Yes indeed, and it is a sad fact to be sure. Ne'er again will Cuthbert grace the stage in his flowing dressing gown of pure silk, ne'er again will Derek charm his way into the Bristol cities of Mary Mooney before proposing to Mary McGinty, ne'er again will Mr Emmanuelli proclaim his wish for the nuns to be raped by the police while Father Mullarkey splutters his lines out over a bottle of whiskey, ne'er again will Mary Gallagher have to listen to Cuthbert spout random crap and then have to endure receiving a sharp whack with a (hard) copy of the Scottish play, never again will 3 little maids from school annoy the hell out of the rest of the cast and crew, and never again will 3 nuns rule life for Our Lady of Fatima with their strict, obviously lesbian ways.

Sarah is in Argentina, though she has the Internet and thus the power to annoy me (i kid i kid), and will be until aaaages away from now. I don't know why I'm telling you this, but I thought she might like to be included in my random blathering this morning.

God it's actually morning... something's wrong with me... non-pruning shears....

Helen is BACK from Italy! She missed nothing but once a catholic, and appears to have spent her entire time up towers, in domes and seeing mint humbugs. Unfortunately, being back she is no longer safe, and I feel it is my solemn duty to annoy her. Mwahaha.

AHA! A story! Interesting things to be told! See below:

NO not here, this is just me saying 2 things annoying me, the interesting bit is below, go further down.

1. Nightwish!! STOP TEASING US! we are but mere mortals!
2. Bromley Little Theatre! Put those reviews of OaC up! Stop tormenting I!

Interest:

I've had a very interesting few days. I guess it starts at about 7.30 Sunday. So let's go there. I spent the evening with Rob, Tom and I working hard on the pub quiz while listening to Chris and Nick argue violently. I wasn't really listening much, but the argument seemed to eventually boil down to:

Chris: "I think this because of this"
Nick: "But I don't agree with that, I think this"
Chris: "I get what you're saying, but this means that that must be this"
Nick: "OK, I see where you're coming from, but I think this"
Chris: "I respect that you think this, but I think this"
Nick: "You are entitled to think that, but I subscribe to this view"
Chris: "Fiddlededee and forsooth, for I ponder thus wise"
Nick: "Giggles and glee, for see my thinking now as this"
Tom: "Guys did she say Kurdistan or Uzbekistan?"
Chris "TOM SHUT UP! SHUT THE F*CK UP YOU PRICK GOD YOU ARE SO ANNOYING!"

I thought the entire proceeding was pretty damn funny. And we didn't win the quiz.

So, Monday. I woke up and felt my tummy a rumblin'. So I did my particulars of hygiene, and went and ate. After eating I was sitting there feeling like a fat lazy b'stard (nothing new) so I packed up my stuff in an old kit back and decided that time was right to go for a walk to replenish my appetite and feed my body with some relaxation. So off I set. After about 3 minutes I felt a vibration and I answered my phone and talked to Rob for a bit. After agreeing to go to his after my walk I went into T62 (locked) and carried on through the park toward Coney Hall. At this point it started to piss it down with rain (relatively, considering elsewhere) so I diverted my course and ducked into FancyDressMe.com to annoy Simon and Emily for a while while waiting for the inclement weather to subside. I felt another vibration in my pocket; from Ami this time. Apparently she'd seen me walking around. Well, it had to be statistically impossible for no one to see me (I am visible I think), but I replied, and she replied and so on and so forth. Anyway, it got to the point where we arranged to meet in Bromley. First I went to Rob's to honour his invitation, and after getting my arse completely handed to me on both Mortal Kombat and Mario Strikers, he went to wash his hair and get changed (took about an hour) before we boarded the 119 to our destination. We met up with Ami and her friends (all lovely people, none of whom lynched me but all of whom now probably think I'm gay, how does that keep happening) for a while, sat and chatted while Rob used them to persuade me to going to Lloyds that night for the birthday celebrations of Monsieur Trimmings

It must be said here and now. I detest Lloyds with all my heart and my very living soul. A den of inequity and chavs, the service and produce poor. And they don't let me in on Thursdays to Saturdays.

So, after a quick stop in Waitrose to say hello to people there, Rob and I (Ami and that lot are underage so we left them somewhere in Bromley) went into Lloyds to despair and drink. And so we did until Liam, Sean Alex and Kat turned up. We said various hellos and greetings and proceeded to take the sofas. Various people showed up and whatso. At this point (2020) Rob and I decided that, being the peckish people we probably were, that we should order food. This food arrived at about 2215. Strike 1 Lloyds. While waiting for the food, I was waiting at the bar for 50 minutes. Strike 2. I probably wouldn't have been served at all if I hadn't shown off a bit of skin for the barmen. Honestly! So, other than the company it wasn't an amazing evening.

Tuesday, I worked myself to the marrow as per usual, somehow reduced the lunchroom to fits of childish laughter simply by asking Anita how full her sacks were (seriously, what's wrong with that?!) and after the day I came home. After some recuperation I donned my clean white shirt of power and drove off to Sarah's to see her and Evelyn. After about... 3 hours of watching them beautify themselves (which is foolish since they're gawjus anyway) we and the Greenhalgh Chris ventured to the George. Which is basically the railway with different people and a different shape. I kid you not. Twas decided again we'd battle our way through Tuesday's quiz (same as the Railway's) and again, we failed to win. We then all went our respective ways and I drove around for a while with music blaring at a respectable level of volume. Was rather nice.

And now I am sitting here writing absolute crap again. If you made it far without breaking out into convulsions I admire your central nervous system's tenacity. I shall no doubt see you all soon

ch'd

Playing: Guitar Hero II
Reading: 'Coming Soon' -BLT.com
Listening to: 'Your God' - Stone Sour
Annoyed with: Not much
Mood: Tired yet hyper...
Song currently stuck in head: 'Madhouse' - Anthrax
Favourite Song of the Minute: 'Amaranth' - Nightwish. NOW GIVE US IT YOU BASTARDS!

Once a Catholic - Take 1

Yes tonight was the charity performance for Once a Catholic at Bromley Little Theatre. It went very well, with only one or two minor hiccups/observations:

1. Ami and I are SO gonna run out of things to talk about before those house lights go down
2. The Prompt needs a prompt.
3. Stage lights are still hot
4. Audiences don't always laugh at everything, and yet they laugh at the strangest things...
5. That sofa needs brakes

So it all went well and we hope for good (paying) audiences and succesful shows for the rest of the run.

Just don't let there be anymore priests in the audience...

'Nightwish, you are spoiling us with these Ferrero Rocher'

Nightwish have been very good to us. We don't deserve it, we know. They make their music, we buy it, noone owes anyone. Then they kicked out Tarja, and then there was an underground media shitstorm. People ranted, women cried; each side summoned a mighty army, and long and bloody war was fought. Thousands were put to death while the skies rained the blood of the slain down from the heavens. It seemed the world was at an end, that the Apocalypse had been wrought. After a while, some people suddenly got the niggling feeling that they may have overreacted, just a smidge. So the issue died down, and a quiet descended over the metal world. Nightwish quietly retreated back to Finland, minus Ms Turunen, and got to work doing what they do best; sitting in Tuomas' place in Kitee and getting completely hammered. And writing songs in the meantime. But eventually it became obvious that without Tarja (and with Marco being breastically challenged) a new singer would be needed to usher in the new age of Nightwish, an age clouded in uncertainty and hostility, an age that is drawing ever closer.

It's 4 months until the new album is released. It's been a year and a half since Tarja was (arguably unceremoniously) booted out. And it's been relatively... quiet. We knew they were auditioning for new singers and writing the material, but it just seems to have been lacking any real... hype. Not that I'm complaining; hype has ruined the reputations of many artists and albums. But Nightwish are THE biggest metal act in Europe. I for one, expected something a little less reclusive. Heck, the album doesn't even have a name yet.

And now our tale comes to the last few days. Thursday, to be exact. The situation was no different than it had ever been. We knew only that Nightwish had a new (unannounced) vocalist. We knew the album was near completion. We even knew of the first single, 'Eva' which was going to be released as a download only single to raise money for charity. We knew Ghost Love Score was being dwarfed by something bigger. But that was it.

And now, after all this quiet, Nightwish have done something quite astonishing. Something that, if it had been handled badly, would have absolutely killed them. They came out of the media secrecy like a thundercloud. They stopped being all 'hush-hush' and started screaming at us. In the space of mere hours they held out 34 seconds of 'Eva' for us. We had enough time to listen and form opinions of the song, and certain forums were alive with people discussing the new singer. We finally knew for SURE she was female. Then, Nightwish not only gave us her name; they gave us photos, they gave us a video greeting from her personally (even slyly giving us a shot of Marco, Toumas and Jukka at the end to stop people calling it fake), they even gave us an entire factfile on her. And she told us that the album was finished. They were deluging us with treats. And they weren't nearly done.

The next day they tell us that Eva was out to buy. Five days before it was scheduled. This was mostly to stem the flood of P2P downloads, but even so, it was a treat. And then the same day, they give us three more samples, two nearly a minute long. They shut the mouths of all the naysayers slighting 'Eva' for being a ballad (vitriol spewed on this topic later) by giving us three tracks remniscient of thier heavier work. Nightwish were obviously watching the complaints, and moved to quickly shut the complainers up.

We knew much more than we did barely 36 hours earlier. We had our new singer, with a name and a face. We had the name of five of the fourteen promised tracks. We could even own one of them for our very own, with the promise of another in August. In my view, Nightwish had decided to launch themselves back into being talked about. They wanted to generate another media storm on the same level, if not a larger one than they had to deal with after they booted Tarja. They wanted to tell us 'Nightwish are back', and they wanted to tell us that with 400 feet tall, flaming letters imprinted on our brains.

As I stated at the start of this post, we didn't deserve any of this. Take issue with that all you want, but as I see it Nightwish could have waited until late August for all of this. We ranted at length about Tarja, and they reply with all of the above. Call it media spin and marketing all you like, but even so they're giving us more information about the album (still without a name) and more delectable bites from it than they did with Once, more than I've known a band to do. They're reassuring us that Tarja may be gone, but Nightwish is still very much alive and rocking.

Some people have a problem with that. Not with all the samples and the single, no they're lapping that up as they should, being fans. No, they have a problem with Anette. I have argued with several people in several places on this issue, and all their arguments were the same. So, me being the rational person I am, I'm going to put all my thoughts here and ignore the rest of the arguments. These are all arguments I've actually read.

"She'll never replace Tarja"

Of course she won't. She was never going to. Tarja was kicked out in November of 2005, and we've had a year and a half to get used to that idea. Whoever they brought in was never going to be exactly the same, and we knew that. Anette is not Tarja, and she doesn't sing like Tarja, but that doesn't mean she isn't right for the job. Tarja is gone, get over it.

"Nightwish have moved to a 'poppier' style"

'Kingmichael', you're a spanner, kindly take a knife and put it through your head. Listen to Britney and then tell me Nightwish sound like that. Do they? No. God that point annoys me...

"Anette makes Nightwish's music terrible"

The music that was written before she was chosen and had no control over? Yeh that makes sense.

"Eva is too sappy/ballady/slow for Nightwish"

Two for Tragedy. Angels Fall First. Forever Yours. Swanheart. Sleeping Sun. Dead Boy's Poem. Away. Kouloma Tekee Taiteilijan. The Forever Moments. You're a spanner.

"Nightwish have gone Within Temptation"

That's a bad thing? Even if you don't like WT, does that really mean you should start hating Nightwish? Cos they sound too much like a band you don't like? Bands that are in the same genre? Bands that play the same goddamn type of music?! Knife. Head. NOW.

God, people annoy the hell out of me sometimes...
chard

Playing: Pokémon Diamond
Reading: 'The Time Traveller's Wife' -Audrey Niffenegger
Listening to: 'mOBSCENE' - Marilyn Manson
Annoyed with: People
Mood: Ill
Song currently stuck in head: '7 Days to the Wolves' - Nightwish
Favourite Song of the Minute: 'Amaranth' - Nightwish

Placeholder

My special review is coming, but in the meantime, I have a few things to say:

1. To Mr "Temperature-above-18-degrees". FUCK OFF! FUCK OFF AND DIE IN A DITCH!!! Kisses and lollipops, chard.
2. To Nightwish. Thank you for not being malicious by only teasing us with 38 seconds of Eva today. Thank you for revealing the new singer to us. Thank you for making sure she didn't look too much like a horse, meaning she looks better than Tarja, but still leaving Sharon and Christina as the ultimate vixens of Metal.
3. To September. NO offense dude, I love you being the ninth month and all, but you could... I dunno, scooch up a little? I mean, 4 months is a long time, and I kinda wanna be both at uni and listening to the new Nightwish album kinda about... now? So, yeh, If you could.
4. To Alcohol. Oh my god. Just. Oh. Just. Oh my god. Thank you for existing. Oh my god. You rule dude. You tha man. You tha man.
5. To Dad. Yeh...how to say this? Um... nutmeghasnopetrolandIbackedintoawallandthebumperiskindascraped...so...sorry...
6. To my lines. Could you guys, like, learn me for a bit? That might work.

Love and Louvres
Chard

Playing: Pokémon Diamond
Reading: 'The Time Traveller's Wife' -Audrey Niffenegger
Listening to: 'Welcome to the Black Parade' - My Chemical Romance
Annoyed with: The heat
Mood: Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Song currently stuck in head: 'Der Mitternachtslowe' - Therion
Favourite Song of the Minute: 'Eva' - Nightwish

(now lets have the real thing!)

Life

Listening to Off the Cuff as I write this, which is playing some awesome stuff. I advise anyone who doesnt regularly listen to get their lives straight.

It's been a while. This chard has been lazy. And he is sorry.

What have I been up to then? Well, I bought 2 books, The Time Travellers Wife by Audrey Niffenegger which I may stop reading, go buy a notebook, start reading again and then take copius notes to make sure my head is getting around the madness. I'm not that far into it, but already I heartily recommend it. The other book some of you know about, some of you don't. But I shall not go into it much. Because I will be presenting you with a review in all good time. You shall see.

A massive amount of my life (80 hours so far) now has been taken up by Pokémon Diamond, which despite being EXACTLY the same core gameplay as all the rest, is still an absolutely superb game. And Jon and Rob will be defeated. Oh yes. The apprentice will finally become the master.

Also I have been deep in rehearsals for the next awesome show, Once a Catholic. This play is absolutely hysterical, so I implore each and everyone of you to come and see it, and then to complain loudly at me for being associated with such a heretical rag. Its on at 7.45pm from the 15th to the 23rd of June at Bromley Little Theatre.

And now, most importantly, I'm eating dinner. So ciao benitos!

chard

Playing: Pokémon Diamond
Reading: 'The Time Traveller's Wife' -Audrey Niffenegger
Listening to: 'Zerstoren' - Rammstein/ Off the Cuff
Annoyed with: Nothing really
Mood: Moof
Song currently stuck in head: 'Our Lady of Sorrows' - My Chemical Romance
Favourite Song of the Minute: 'A Vampire's Lament' - Atreyu

Happy Birthday!!!

It is now the 27th of April 2007.

10 years ago today, Duke Nukem Forever was announced.

It still has not been released.


Happy Birthday! You old vaporware sausage!

Come on 3D Realms... you seriously don't think anyone want's to play it anymore do you?

Should be asleep

Isn't www.fishing.net rather amusing a URL?

Absolutely freakin' chuffed!

Managed to pick up Diablo (the first one!) for PS1 for the outrageous price of a whole 99 pennies! And also Lego Star Wars II for only £15!

Consider this chard pickled tink!

Just so you know

The performance wasn't a total disgrace. That should lighten your spirits for when you all come and see it. Which you are. Right?

Because I can

It occured to me about 5 minutes ago that I had never spat out coffee (or indeed, any liquid) upon the hearing of shocking news, nor had I recieved bonus points for doing so into the face of someone else in the proximity. The potential for slapstick is seriously wasted in me.

So what has the chard been up to? The lamentations of having everyone haul their sorry asses back to universities of choice have obviously been much on my mind. Heck, even Sarah is in Oxford tonight, so I really must be doing something wrong, but eh. To be fair it would have been less anticlimatic a farewell if... well, if there'd actually been much of one. Not to say that there weren't any opportunities for a bittersweet waving off, there were plenty. Almost every day I would get a text saying "Hey, tonight?", or " and tomorrow?", to the point where I (as of writing) have a template in my phone that simply says "Sorry, busy, have a good one".Or words to that effect.

Not that I'm complaining about having work or rehearsals. (I knew 2 months ago that the 2 weeks before show are the most hectic, with people running about half dressed, Stage Managers panicking that the books are wher the actors know they are and moving them to where she thinks they should be (ASM remaining stoically violent about the whole thing), costume eagle telling me that braces were worn with the intention on making the wearer look oh-so-fucking-stupid (to which everyone else in the room disagrees... even those alive then) and finally the general moment when tech turns on the lights for the first time and you think you hear dead relatives beckoning you into the blinding lights while the whole hall becomes an oven. And work is always fun. Well, I say fun. It's as fun as I make it. God bless my imagination! Longest parenthesis ever! Totally misused to! Screw you Grammar Nazis and up your's Apostrophe KKK!) It's just that people's scheduling hasn't really been helpful to seeing all the people I've been without for a good few months. For example:

Dave J: 5 occasions
Dauve: 4 occasions
Helen: 3 occasions
Chris C: 2 occasions!

Ok so Chris isn't at uni, but ya get me. Ah well, roll on Ubar Summ0rz the 2cnd

Iiiiiiiiiiin other news; I, Chard, Trainer number 45202 (yes, I have that memorised) at 2.37am on the 21st April 2007 after a game time of 37 hours, 31 minutes and 4 seconds, defeated Wallace to become the new Hoenn Region Pokémon League Champion. Aiding me in this endeavour against the Elite 4 and the Champion were my loyal team:

1. Rayquaza, National Pokédex Number 384, Level 71
2. Blaziken, Nat.Dex No 257, Lv. 49
3. Azumarill, Nat.Dex No 184, Lv. 31
4. Aggron, Nat.Dex No 306, Lv. 42
5. Manectric, Nat.Dex No 310, Lv 43
6. Gardevoir, Nat. Dex No 282, Lv. 36

All performed admirably; the battles were tough, with each opponent inching still closer to my destruction (cos DAMN is Drake's Salamence fast...) but being the cocky arse I am I wasn't too worried, and now Hoenn is open to me to rule as I choose. Though I did just go back and take down Wallace again, just to really rub his face in it. And level up my Beldum. But hey.
Damn I'm a nerd.

Ah well, that's my change from a $10 spent on $9.98 worth of goods. I'll let you get back on with life and I'll get back to reading the PvP archives. Had a really dull day..
But at least I now have Final Fantasy III and Pokémon Diamond preordered. Let the good times roll.

Oh and, another thing. "I am a human Dalek." What. The. Fuck?! A line on par with "No... it's because I'm so in love with you" and "Well from my point of view the Jedi are evil!". I think I'm having acid reflux just thinking of it...

Night all
'chard

Playing: Pokémon Emerald
Reading: PvP
Listening to: 'October' - Evanescence
Annoyed with: Anyone who decided to have a Dalek/Human cross that WASN'T Davros. I mean, come ON!
Mood: Alone
Song currently stuck in head: 'Creature' - Atreyu
Favourite Song of the Minute: 'The Truth Beneath the Rose' - Within Temptation

GameWTFaqs?

I love the clarity involved in the making of some of GameFAQS guides

You can throw Master
Ball and make this battle very very easy, but I recommend you leave it for
other occasions, but this will be the strongest pokemon so using a Master
Ball is okay, but try to catch him with a Super Ball, and if it doesnt work
you could use Master Ball.

Outstanding

Pre Post Within Temptation Post

Just got home from WT, and am hot, tired and eating. Was freaking amazing, played everything and everything, SDA was gawjus as usual, and I even got the pleasure of bumping into the T62 lighting technician outside the venue.

I am however in the midst of a crisis with an Oxenham so I can't put up photos or go into much detail, so i will do that tomorrow (hence this being a pre-post post, not a post post).

But at least I'm alive :D

Pre-Within Temptation Checklist

• Camera?

Charging and memory filled.

• Shoes?

Tied securely. After my memorable journey home after A7X with a sock filled with the Metro, I don't really want to have to shell out for another pair just yet.

• Phone?

Charged, though lacking credit, due to certain lethargy on the part of Finance. Though since this is normal for my phone im not exactly worryied about this.

• Mohoney?

Some, not as much as I should have. Damn Edie.

• DSlite?

Obviously not taking it with me, but damned if im not gonna end a good night by getting that Blaziken to Lvl50.

• Socks?

Polka dotty.

• Hair?

Missing.

Let the good times roll!

September

Today almost convinced me that Theatre 62 might be the thing I miss most at uni.

Pity.

The Police Federation Idiots Guide to Changing your Clock

As we all should be aware, the clocks went forward on Sunday. But what does that actually mean? As Wikipedia so sexually puts it:

Daylight saving time (DST), or summer time in British English, is the convention of advancing clocks so that afternoons have more daylight and mornings have less

So, that makes sense no? It essentially means we end up with the maximum amount of sun during the day as possible, for reasons such as conserving energy, improving driving visibility etc. It even meant that for the first time, I walked to a Tuesday rehearsal at t62 in daylight! Magic!

However, some people do find 1 problem with the whole thing. And that problem is the physical changing of our analogue clocks. Nowadays our computers and digital clocks are sophistamacated enough to change themselves in accordance with the rules of DST. But those pesky ol' school ones just sit there, incorrect, for a good 6 months unless we do it ourselves.

So, Monday morning at the Police Federation. There I am doing my usual routine of cleaning up and restocking, waiting for Paul to arrive and give me any specific jobs I have to do. And he does, and he does. One of which is to go around all the offices and change their clocks. Depending on how well you know me (and let's face it, you're reading this aren't you?) you can imagine the incredulity which I generated upon hearing this innocuous request. Suffice it to say, the phrase "Can they not do it themselves?" was repeated with increased amusement. My colourful language and rantings went unnoticed however and I grabbed me my stepladder and set off. Besides anything, it was a good way to kill time (pun oh so intended) and killing time equals less boredom.

The Print room, gawblessem, were saints and had, in fact, changed all 3 clocks themselves. Even mum, with her back managed it (Hi mum!). To sum up, there were about 30 clocks I managed to find. 5 of which had been changed by their respective owners, leaving me to advance PolFed forward in time little over an entire day. So, with Tuesday now in full swing, I was left to rant and plan this post.

Now, obviously there were forgivenesses for those who couldn't reach their clocks (some were, after all, pretty high), or admitted to having forgotten about the change (although that just made me wonder how they were on time that morning). However, I still was of the opinion that it was just in these people's interest for their clocks to be changed as soon as possible, and therefore, if noone else had done it, for them to do it themselves. I mean, the clock is wrong, you want it to be right for work and general timekeeping purposes, so you change it. That just seemed to make logical sense in my head. They didn't really need me (or Paul) to do it for them, especially since it meant my restocking duties were cancelled (leaving one employee to repeatedly harangue us about a lack of stock in one toilet). You know why there wasn't any? Cos I was changing your clock!. It took me some serious restraint to not launch into my soapbox routine, therefore, when one person whose clock was in easy reach said to me: "Oh thank you, I was just about to phone Paul because they weren't done". Really? So you have time to stop everything you're doing and track us down to complain about your clock not being changed, but you don't have any way to take the time out to change your own clock? (which would be much quicker, I checked).

Then, at lunch time it hit me. It was obvious. These people were leaving me to do it, not because they couldn't be bothered, or they were too busy or anything. It was simple; they weren't changing their clocks because they didn't know how!

In answer to this we here at Chard Satire in partnership with Bleeding Obvious Ltd. provide you at the Polfed, and indeed anyone else with this problem, with:

How to Change your Clock
(Not to be confused with How to Replace your Clock, which can be found here)

Welcome to CS and BO Ltd (not affiliated with AntiAntiPerspirant.com)'s guide to changing your clock. This is a simple and fun task you and your whole family can enjoy! Why not even deliberately set your clock wrong and see if your kids can change it to the write time! Fundutational! In this step by step guide, you will be easily coached right from the very beginning, so soon even the most infectiously moronic of you will be able to go from this to this! Let's begin!

1. First of all, we must identify the common household wall clock. You may know how to do this in which case feel free to skip this step, but I feel that even the best of us need a little reminder from time to time!
Your simple clock is simple to identify if you simply follow this simple checklist. Simply. Most clocks:

• Are on the wall
• Have a (generally) circular shape, the front of which (the bit you look at) is called the face
• There are sticks moving around it. These are called hands.
• Have 12 equal partitions. These are the hours. These may be divided up into minutes. (this information is void if you haven't learnt to tell the time yet. Ask your mum. Or Human Resources, who may or may not be patronising enough)

2. Now, let's see if we can find a clock using these rules.


This is not a clock. It is not on the wall, it is not circular, and there is a complete lack of the moving sticks.

This is a little better. It is however, a lightswitch. While it is on the wall, it matches no other rule.

A picture. Very close though! Maybe you should concentrate on searching for rules 2 and 3.

While this does have a face and hands, it is not on the wall. Nice try though.

Ah yes! Now this is a clock!

3. Now we have found our clock, we must look at how to change it. Take it off the wall, and look at the back

You will see there is a battery pack and motor.

4.If there is no battery go and get one.

5. You will also see there is a little dial (the circular bit). This can turn to move the hands faster, allowing for the change of the time. Give it a go!


6. And here you see the finished clock, the time set forward an hour!


7. Try it yourself!

And there you have it PolFed. Now, in the autumn, maybe you can take some time out of your usual "bitch about relationships" and "discuss the news" times and change your clocks yourself.

Finished FFXII. Started it again. I'm getting that Zodiac Spear. +150 ATK and +5 EVA with Critical hits? Thankyouverymuch.

Playing: Fainaru Fantajī Tuerubu
Reading: Fainaru Fantajī Tuerubu Walkthrough
Listening to: 'Gothic Kabbalah' - Therion
Annoyed with: Clocks.
Mood: Awesome
Song currently stuck in head: 'The Royal City Of Rabanastre - Town Ward Upper Stratum' - Hitoshi Sakimoto
Favourite Song of the Minute: 'Hell and Consequences' - Stone Sour

LVI

With the addition of:

1. Least I Could Do (Sex sex sex and humour)
   
2. +EV (Poker humour. Who knew?)
   
3. Planet Karen (The diary of a Nemi alike living in Bristol)
   
4. Questionable Content (S*P, but more indie and less mean spirited)
   
5. Crimson Dark (Joss Whedon's Firefly in webcomic form)
   
6. Punch 'n Pie (Pint sized sequel to Queen of Wands)
   
7. The Broken Mirror (DESPRESSING. Do not read if easily disturbed...)
   

I have broken the 50 mark for regularly read webcomics. Go me. Links to the side.

Life in sentences!

'Nine Destinies and a Downfall' by Sirenia is a good album.
As is 'The Heart of Everything' by Within Temptation.
Interrobang is the best name for a piece of punctuation ever.
Tittle is second.
Doing your own laundry on a whim with no obligation is amazingly surreal
Waking up at 930 after License grinding until 3am is just ridiculous
God himself invented Spaghetti hoops.
Marmite Sandwiches are so in
FFXII is stealing my free time
So is Facebook
Noone is on MSN
Noone is talking to me
The Google search suggestion thing in Firefox never ceases to amaze me
Death Wish is the perfect end to a man's night in
I am feeling happy.

chard

PolFed is full of crap

No, I'm not being Paulish and disparaging my place of employment. 'tis in fact a most marvellous place. BUt I'll get to the reason of the title later. Kinda like how they have the film after all those trailers. The old philosophy of 'if the line's this long it's got to be good'. So, how long can I make this line?

So, Final Fantasy XII! (3 hour wait from this point...) Ah yes my lovelies, my raisin d'etre, my magnum opus, my Stairway to Heaven, my Return of the King. Well, sort of. Not so much the last 3. OR any of them. But, it is pretty darn sweet. It is however, fecking rock hard, to the point where I've been in danger of waking my parents in the wee hours (not ALWAYS before work of course) with my screams of "FRAN USE CURAGA YOU STUPID WOMAN" or my personal favourite "VAAN YOU CHISLED MONEYMAN, YOUVE GOT A CROSSBOW, YOU DON'T NEED STAND TOE TO TOE WITH A FECKING DRAGON!!!". Which he does. All the fecking time. Ah well, Balthier has Raise gambitted. He usually uses it in time...

But yes, it's certainly different. Lots of not doing much, lots of grinding for a bare pittance of Gil. But, it's all compensated with everything games should have: great graphics, good gameplay, and Fran's older sister. Who. Is. HOT. CAn't find a pic, but still. 'Tsmoking', as Fran would lisp.

84 Charing Cross Road Rehearsals have started! Ah yes indeed, the days I've been longing for since Cinderella ended (all of... 3 months ago? That can't be right... no, no that's right... huh...) have reared their heads, and already my script is adorned with my usual scrawl in the margins detailing exactly HOW I should come in, take an invoice off Amy/Megan, and walk out again 6 seconds later. And these annotations are of course very useful, especially the one for my entrance on page 25 which reads somewhat neutrally "Apparantly I should have books here...". Still, the cast all seem like good people (I say seem, they may yet turn out to be evil...) and Bill isn't even nearly as Eveil as Eve was, so things seem hopeful! I even seem to have my old ASM hanging around again, making some excuse about props to explain her hanging around t62 permanently. Nah I kid, she's lovely is our Ellyroo, even if she did give me a severe beating on Tuesday. Actually, I have a massive bruise on my knee, was that you? Rehearsal in an hour as well...

So yes, your good friend chard is indeed now in gainful employ! For moneys! You know how amazing that is?! I don't actually get paid until monday, but still, it's a nice thought. £6 an hour, 9-4 ish Tuesday's and Thursdays (though I seem to be doing a lot of Fridays as well). And what exactly are the Police Federation of England and Wales having me do for this allowance?

• Refilling Toilet Roll Holders
• Reflling Hand Towel things
• Refilling liquid soap things
• Hulking around large sacks of paper (which shreds your hands up no end)
• Refilling water coolers (bottles at 18.5kg a go, up stairs? Not to be sniffed at)
• Making sure people have the things so they can refill their own damn coffee
• Anything Harry can find, filing, moving paper/deliveries etc etc
• Drinking tea

However, today I had to do something I had been putting off for a few days (Paul me boss commented on this fact when they overflowed on Tuesday, so I wasn't getting away from it today) and something that, if you hadn't guessed, is what inspired the lovely title. Cos, lovely a place as it is, PolFed really IS. So, what was it i was doing? (Some of you have no doubt ventured guesses at this point, so I'm sure you're sitting there either laughing hysterically, or looking quite concerned, or not doing any work you should be doing on the pretext of getting your coffee drunk this morning. Hello mum.)



Yup! Little me was clearing out the drains of gunk and water! Now, let me make it clear. Paul ASSURED me that there wasn't anything... 'unhygienic' in there, just a lot of water and vegetation and the like from the trees. I would like to ASSURE you that I think he was telling the truth. But, oh god it stank. It stank so bad, I'm not even sure his assurances had any wieght whatsoever. I mean, come on...


...your guess is as good as mine... Actually, I tihnk my face says it all:



Don't I look happy?!!!!!!!!!!

Paul has actually developed the habit of being in Leatherhead pretty much once everyday since I've been there, pretty much leaving me to fend for myself and use 'nitiative (it builds character). This does however tend to backfire, as today illustrated: he left a list of things to do (including the drains, and also dismantling a fan and cleaning it) to leave me occupied until lunch. I was pretty much done by the 10.30 break. But ah well, it's not harm done. Gives me time to double check, think of other things to do, learn where everything is in this labyrinthine complex, and otherwise think of more ingenious ways of wasting time. In fact, this kind of culminated today, when I got bored with some stationary and decided to be creative:



I present Chards image of Man, sculpted lovingly from 2 bulldog clips and a stapler remover! Of course, bulldog clips got me thinking of man's best friend, so I decided to invest in a delicious pun:



Meet Bulldog Clip Man's Bulldog Clip bulldog, Clip! (try saying that 3 times fast underwater while makin love to a snail!) I even gav him a lead so he could be taken for walks across verdant green files



Trevilla at this point gave me a look that pretty much told me I was being silly, so I desisted.

A big shout out to Mah Print Room area homies, Harry, Shirley, Steve, Margeret (when she appears) Mum, Trevilla and Paul!

And that's me caught up! (oh no wait, i also got into kent, silly me!). Will no doubt post again in a month. Got to go eat now and then go rehearse, see ya'll later, and for a parting gift have some song lyrics!

This Flesh a Tomb
Atreyu

I feel eyelashes on my cheek
They lacerate my flesh,
A pain so good.
So put your hand in mine, never let go,
Never wake up ‘cause I’m done with promises
I’m taking blood oaths.
Feels like you could kiss
My imperfections, my imperfections away.
And I would stand, stand by your side
Until the sun turns the sky
All the colors I see in your eyes.

And I’ll never need to see the sun again,
There’s enough light in your eyes to light up our little world.
So take me, take me away.
Kill me slowly, I’ll never be the same.

And I swear to you, on everything I am,
And I dedicate to you all that I have
And I promise you that I’ll stand right by your side
Forever and always until the day I die.
The bite marks on my neck never felt so good.
I’m losing control
And it’s all that I can do not to blackout
Fall into lust with you.
Your kisses infect me.
The dark gift is loving you,

And I’ll never need to see the sun again,
There’s enough light in your eyes to light up our little world.
So take me, take me away.
Kill me slowly, I’ll never be the same.

And I feel immortal
And I want to make you feel the same.
So stand by me as we immolate.
We can burn in each other’s arms.
And I feel immortal
And I want to make you feel the same.
So stand by me as we immolate.
We can burn in each other’s arms.

Night night!
Chard

Playing: Fainaru Fantajī Twelve
Reading: Kent booklets
Listening to: 'Trial by Fire' - Blind Guardian
Annoyed with: Hunger
Mood: Knackered
Song currently stuck in head: 'This Flesh a Tomb' - Atreyu
Favourite Song of the Minute: 'Tuna 1613' - Therion

Drunk

I';m drunk, so forgive me for the spelling errors, thew fallacies and the general whao shouldnt say thats.

Its 1 past midnight, so I'd like to say:

THANK YOU SAINT VALENTINE FOR GETING YOUR HEART RIPPED OUT THAT MEN EVERYWHERE SHOULD SFFER THE SAME FATE EVERY YEAR IN YOUR NAME.

C*nt.

Chard is bored.

Very bored. In fact, I'm not sure you could quantify my boredom with any number or with any scale. I am so bored I just finished watching a silent film (Harold Lloyd, rather devoid of lobster-like features this time), reading another set of webcomic archives while attempting to work my way through a 1500 piece jigsaw with my mother. I was this bored yesterday (despite the snow (snow!)) and the day before and very possibly the day before. And this is not a good thing. When I get bored I do one of two things; I either sleep or eat. Sleep is not too bad, cos it wastes a bit of time but then I spend more time awake anyway, just a little groggy. And eating is not good, cos then I at best get fat and at worst invent new sandwiches (cheese, salsa and soured cream) that would render a hippo incapable of digestion for weeks. So, for the love of my sanity and mood, someone please do something to distract me!

Although, Final Fantasy XII should be here in 2 weeks. Then you won't have me and I'll be all like "Haha! You could have had my company when I was around and bored but nooo you all had to be busy and pleasant, and now you're all like 'We want you Chard cos you're amazing and devilishly sexy and we want to do nasty things to you' (men need not apply) and I got FFXII and I dont need friends so NYAAH." Or something. I'm kinda lightheaded...


STRAIGHT HAIRED ME!!!

For yes! Saturday last was the time for festivities and fancy dressed frolicks. And partial alliteration. and ooh pretty skies somewhat:


Cant be bothered to go into details, so have a few photos. The rest are on Facebook or Flickr if you are so inclined to have a gander:









So happy 18th Sarah and let's hope you make it to 19. Not that you won't for any reason, but you know it's nice to be reassured. And lets shut up now.

SNOW! We had snow! And cats! In that order.



And I'm out of things to say. Come back soon, when I might be interesting again.

Aren't you tired of being weak?

Such rage that you could scream all the stars right out of the sky

So what has the Chard done with himself in his limited capacity as one who is mean to do things with himself in his limited capacity as one who is mean to do things with himself? Flashback sequence!!

Last Friday I trudged wearily into the hallowed halls of Theatre 62 again (it's very quickly becoming my home away from home) for the New Member's Evening. As a new member I felt it was kinda my duty to attend, even if just to get back into my old routine of annoying the Cinderella crowd. And they were almost all there, Caroline (Cinderella), James (Press Stud), Ian-Paul (Pirate Captain), Amy (Isabella), Sharon (Margherita), Gordon (Pedro), Sandy (French Tart), Bernard (Earl), Dennis (Baron), Nikki (Fairy Godmother), Muriel (Stepmother), Lyn (Florentine), Pieter (1st Mate) and Myself (Pwinthy). Indeed only Steve and Ellyroo were missing, Steve due to laziness (even the promise of free alcohol didn't sway him, for shame) and Ellyroo cos of Karate. Still, it was a fair assembly, and we drank, nibbled, chatted, screamed at Sandy for letting Holly cut her hair (Holly's hair was GORGEOUS), screamed at Amy for cutting hers (DITTO), paid James money for tickets for his thing in March, got told various things by the head honchos (such as the Theatre was founded in 1962, see what they did there?) and met some of the people who are gonna be in 84 Charring (by now it would be past tense, so Chard?) Cross Road. Was kinda a way of bidding a final farewell to Cinders and a hey how ya doin' to 84. Still fun.

A couple of days before that I decided to go on a li'l ramble around West Wickham, to prove to myself and others (Helen) that living in the middle of nowhere is no reason for a place not to rock immensely more than Brixton, and that my home is not a disgusting pile of waste (Sarah). So, off I went, and I een took photos along the way. I proved that West Wickham is in fact part of Canada:





Lotsa fallen trees. Darn wind. Also, WW has a lot of WIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIDe open spaces with lotsa grass. So PRETTY OK?





Various views of Sparrows Den, Spring Park and the mad mile there. Loverly place. And WW is full of great places of historical and religious importance!





St John's, the church on the hill. Rarther small, but we love it's endlessly graffitied exterior so. And that was my ramble, may do it again tomorrow, twas rather fun to do.

And that was my last week. In the next happy happy installment of my life, we should have:

• Set building for Woman in White
• SassyG's 18th and my revisitation into the world of Charm
• Many visit's to the place of drunkeness
• Piano skillz

So be there or be a squashed circle. And I'm giving in and putting these on Facebook, mostly cos noone seems to notice when they go on here, so hopefully Facebook's feature of telling people when ANYTHING happens in your life should be useful at directing peoples attention to my sorry existence. Love you all...

People used to say I was an idiot, but I proved them!
Chard

Playing: Fainaru Fantajī Ten
Reading: Calvin and Hobbes
Listening to: 'Ghost Love Score' - Nightwish
Annoyed with: My stomach
Mood: FFXII!!! PREORDERED!!! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!
Song currently stuck in head: 'Lip Gloss and Black' - Atreyu
Favourite Song of the Minute: 'Dancing Mad' - Black Mages

Thoughts, feelings, crap and nonsense.

I havent blogged. Shoot me in the head.

In other news, with the 100mph hurricane force winds striking all of the UK (or at least the bits we lot care about) it is disheartening to know that even we humble residents of Links Road were affected by the ensuing maelstrom. Indeed, observe what was once our greenhouse, garden fence and a tree:





I think you'll agree, it puts the deaths into perspective. (no offense, I'm in an odd mood. Must be the marmite)

Tuesdays are somewhat traditional in our house. By which I mean after dinner me and mum sit and waste our time in some stupid way (usually Monopoly). However, we decided the air was right for something a little more challenging, and what could be more challenging than a jigsaw puzzle? (yes, this post has been done before). And so we started off, spreading the pieces out and finding the edges (mostly)



15 minutes in, and we're well on our way. The signs for the pun and Blackwell's bookshop are almost done (enough to get a start on things) and work has started on the two easiest edges, the front of the pub and the pavement



30 minutes in, and we're really in biz now. The sign of the bookshop is complete all the way along and we've even attached a few pieces that lead off from it. Most of the bottom right corner is complete, as well as some of the right edge. The left edge is mostly complete, and we have all of the bottom edge there, if not nessacarily in the places they should be.



Look on our creation ye mighty and despair! 45 minutes of solid puzzlin' and we've almost got the edge we need to complete the border. Geddit. The signs are attached to the right side edge, the bottom is almost complete (it's actually wrong at the moment) and the top left corner is in place! We've also attached some of the roof, to help us with the sky later



And after an hour, that roof is now completing some more of that hard as nails top edge. All that sky is the same colour by the way, so that edge is a beast. The shopfront is starting to be filled out and the building above the pub is getting slightly more built. It even has an alarm now. The whole of the right side edge and the building is complete and some more of the roof is built. Still missing 1 peice from the left edge though.



Nothing noticable after another 15 minutes, except the other edge of the pub is making its way up to the sky, which will help to build off of later. Also, the signs are connected all the way across. In fact, it was so unremarkable I even thought I was going mad with boredom and seeing things that couldnt exist. But all was sorted and we persevered.



The Hand is part of the picture, honest! It's now an hour and a half in, and check out that shopfront, lovingly arranged by my good self. I was a good son and left mum to make the sky (it's under the hand, you'll see it next photo). Also some building off of the shaded edge of the pub has occured, and it almost has a roof! And, even more exciting, the edge is almost finally complete! Except that one damn peice on the left we can't find...



Ah, fear not, there it is! And after an hour and 45, the sky is blue, the bookshop has a roof and some windows! And so does the pub! Still wouldn't shop there... needs a few more...windows.



Well the pub is now complete ish! And there are even some windows appearing above number 48! Oh it so exciting! It's only been 2 hours!



Onto the home straight at 2.15! Shutters, a complete but for one peice pub and only the windows holding us back!



And so, finally:


We're done! And how long did that take us?



Certainly an evening's entertainment. Couldn't have even watched LOTR in that time. Problem is, we now need a new one to do...

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Some links, sponsored by Paws Inc (I've sold out to the cartoonist man!)

Want to make Garfield funnier?! Of course you do, lord knows Jim Davis can't. So, take random panels from all 7billion strips, put them in a random order and BOOM! instant surrealist humour, with the Eagle_Fire Garfield randomiser!.

Have you been reading your daily Garfield when you were struck with a disturbing thought? I'll elaborate with this information from the Arbuckle project:

In 1978, Jim Davis began a newspaper comic strip called "Garfield". For almost thirty years, this strip has endured, primarily because its inoffensive, storyless humour is immediately accessible. It is, if not quite the Lowest Common Denominator of the comic world, at least as close to it as one can get without being obviously mediocre.

The comic changes dramatically when one removes the thought bubbles.

"Garfield" changes from being a comic about a sassy, corpulent feline, and becomes a compelling picture of a lonely, pathetic, delusional man who talks to his pets. Consider that Jon, according to Garfield canon, cannot hear his cat's thoughts. This is the world as he sees it. This is his story.

So, Garfield. Wonderfully funny cat related humour? Or disturbing look into the life of a delusionally lonely man? You decide.

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So, a quick list of what else I've been up to:

• Completed a CRB form, making sure to check the box 'No' under 'Are you a paedophile, you rapist?'
• Given an application form for crappy work at WHSmith which knowing my luck will tumble and fall like a Feeder song.
• Leeched massive amounts of music from the internet, doing my bit to point out to Squaresoft's music department that they should release their soundtracks over here, cos they would make a fucking mint.
• Ate toast.
• Watched lots of Qi and Never Mind The Buzzcocks. I now prefer Simon Amstell to Mark Lamarr for hosting duties
• Started living in Chris's room. Or did you know that?
• Started learning 2 new piano peices (i'm determined to be able to play something), Path of Repentance and Ahead on our Way
  
• Got bored of clicking on people's blog to see a most recent post date that still says 2006 in. Post people, I'm fecking bored here!

And now, to finish. On Sunday, Rob Guest, Chris Champion, Gary Stewart, Matt Sharp and I were in a conundrum. We were in the Railway as usual, Chris having eaten his 8oz sirloin like the big man he really is; but we needed a change. So, we hopped into Sharp's car and drove out to the Chequers (it's in Bickley. I unno). It was rather nice, flat screen TV's, a old cottagey feel (white walls with black planks for some reason) and a man doing the quiz who sounded like an airline pilot. It was just that sort of voice you know. So, we sat around in our new surroundings, wreaking our usual havok, as Sharp's camera recorded:

Chris and I. I was seeing if I could burn out the lens with my retina. I couldnt.

Give Chris a minute...

Guest. Because he's worth it.

Gary, and my hands about to take him out.

The Great White Sharp himself. Well, the back of him.

Anyway, after such fun was had, we all trooped back to Sharp's house for the fun that could only be had with Pizza, tea, biscuits and Match of the Day 2. Even Rocky was there...

But my own little peice of fun came from playing around with Sharp's one of these:


















Oh but can you hear me purr I want one!!!

And so that was it. I will blog more often, I promise. I just need things to happen!

Penis's are about THIS big. Can we please, as a culture, just move on?
'chard

Playing: Fainaru Fantajī Eito
Reading: Fainaru Fantajī Eito. Strategy guide :-p
Listening to: 'Kiss me Good-Bye' - Angela Aki
Annoyed with: My right side
Mood: Mmmmmmmmmm
Song currently stuck in head: 'Lock and Load' - Masami Ueda
Favourite Song of the Minute: 'Path of Repentance' - Nobuo Uematsu