December 31, 2006

Millenium II + YrVI = A retrospective

January (12 posts)

A retrospective of the worst

"Picture 2005 as a much beloved friend who you caught deflowering your eldest daughter. You spent ages plotting his demise, despite forgiving him publicly and reaffirming your friendship. However, at the critical moment that the plan was to occur, and all was to look happy and rosy once more, the cad fled the town and took flight. So you spend a long, arduous, painful, traumatising time hunting him down, until finally you meet him again and butcher him rather messily with a long sword. But, he will just refuse to die, clinging onto your ankle in a rather pathetic way, but since he's still alive you still have a lot of anger to get rid of. So you just start kicking him. Hard. VERY hard. In fact, his skull has shattered, leaving his head with the consistency of a plastic Sainsbury's bag full of marshmallows, but still the bugger has the upper hand, as you discover that he's just edged over the country borders and theres not a damn thing you can do about him now. So, despite fighting back all you could, the memories and the scarring (both mental and physical) are now to last for the rest of time. But, he's out of the town, so at least you never have to see it again."

"You Can't Judge A Play By Its Title"

A year with bad latency

  • "2006 is not good
  • 2006 will get better
  • 2006 is suffering the 2005 hangover
  • Pokémon rocks"

  • Eminently Artistic

    "...here we present the study from Helen Oxenham MA:
    This, like many of the more successful pieces of art created in these days of creative fluidity, is not just a pretty picture"
    "Ms Oxenham WC however may be looking at the piece from entirely the wrong angle (especially since we don't actually know which way up the bloody thing is meant to be)"

    "A fine observation and a well structured critique. Translations please"

    "Besides, I need something else besides a person I can hate without getting my knuckles all goopy"

    Viral Disinfection

    " SPELLING MISTAKE!!! THERE'S A GODDAMN SPELLING MISTAKE!!! ITS FAKE YOU EMO FUCKER!!!"

    • "and you will loose...
    SPELLING MISTAKE! ARG!!! YOU FUCKING TOOL!!!
    • ...your bebo account within 12 days notice
    Holy shit, this is one pissed off virus! Move over MyDoom...
    • We will no because this message it tagged
    WHAT THE LIVING FUCK?!! WHAT IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT LIVES ON HELL OR EARTH?!!!
    • and we will keep checking our datebases for people that are deleting these messages
    What's a datebase?"

    Pillage RapistX

    "
    suddenly from up ahead a dark figure comes up to you and asks the time... coudl this man be a rapist?! Oh, if only you hadn't left the mace/gun/grenade/axe on the side when you left for the party!"

    Neologilistic

    "
    Aquafelixaphobia
    Medical, n

    The bizarrely disquieting feeling only attained by having a cat watch you as you shower
    "

    Orwellian Facsimile

    "
    Is this such a world devoid of these iconic Adonii and Venii (funky pluralisation) named 'celebrities' that on a reality show where we expose their foibles, they actually have to go and invent a fake one? And actually have that as her hook? And see how far she can go to convince the rest of the housemates she's honest? Channel 4 has hit on a winner here. However, the REAL problem with her is this: in a world where many people hold celebrities as role models and insiprations for action and style, why is she, the fake, the best looking one in there?"

    Spitting venom

    "
    With the introduction of the uber cards,traditional games have been made exceedingly hilarious simply with the addition of these cards to the ranks. Uber Hearts, Uber Trumps, even Uber Category Snap. But there was one game that was truly going to be needed to be played, if the A4 monstrosities were to be truly tested. Tested to the MAX! The game was to be spit, but who could truly handle a game of Spit with cards the weight of an excercise book, yet still keep the speed and frenetic nature of the game intact?"

    "

    We are in the drama studio, WHERE WE ARE PERFORMING, and as we are setting out to start work, Mrs Johnson (bitch) comes in, claims she has a dance lesson in the room on Fridays (bullshit, we've had no drama lessons anywhere but the studio for the last 5 weeks) and sends US out of OUR space over a YEAR FUCKING EIGHT DANCE LESSON?! Urg, that woman boils my fucking blood. What the hell makes her think she has the right ot do that? We have an exam, 1 shot to do it, no retakes. She's only doing it because Pris wasn't in, and i am so telling her on monday. Sparks will fucking fly I tell you...

    And to cap it off, what the fuck is wrong with women?!
    "

    Communication Crisis

    "
    Quietly, the Nokia 2650 stalks out into the undergrowth. The BT Synergy 2110, busy with it's feed, does not notice the predator only centimeters away"

    February (7 posts)

    Legality for my ex-wife

    "
    The highlight of the introduction of peoples stage was perhaps the arrival of Rob Matt Dave and Chris, who had brought with them a gift of almost titanic proportions: a jar of pickled onions, a box of mince, some cheese and prawns in some sort of squirty tube, a jar of powdered fish and "Bernard", who turned out to be a gutted rainbow trout, which then found its way around the populace quite fast., even turning into a flying fish as it soared over a large crowd to land in the middle of the hall, to much mixed laughter and EEWs. The other moment of hilarity was the arrival of nick, was was heralded by the sound of an airhorn, Rob's girlish shriek and all the poeple who were by the door jumping back by about a foot. Ah, a fun evening it was, and even as we were walking home the hilarity and ASBO related activities never ceased (stolen trees/spongebobs and stops by police making themselves known)"

    Annuality

    "
    As a young boy, 'chard grew in the seedy backwaters of West Wickham (hereafter referred to as 'TMON'). Rooting through bins for sustenance and nutrition, his only friends were another street urchin named Jon and a small ball of rolled up socks he affectionatly referred to as "Bimbob the Wise""

    "
    The cube began to melt in 'chard's hand, spreading out over his hand, covering it in the same orange sheen. 'chard gasped, and screamed as the world vanished into a white light.

    When 'chard awoke, he stood at the door to a brave new world, born of his own hand, which had been destroyed by the cube. THus, the new world was named Slightly 'chard.. and 'chard, as the gatekeeper of this world, has grown in power... and the time is fast approaching when he will return...
    "

    A Link to Ocarina's Princess

    "
    Friday Statistics:
    Amount of Games played: 9
    Time at Rob's: 23 hours
    Time spent playing games: 22 hours
    Consoles used: 2 (N64/GC)
    Players: 6
    Food: Junk, Bagels and Pizza
    Drink: 4 litres of Pepsi and about 2 crates of beer
    Health value of food: 0%
    Sleep: 0 seconds
    Pointlessness: Lots
    Fun had: Far too much
    To be done again?: Definitely
    "

    Neologismality

    "
    Vnuc
    Affectionate, v

    A show of affection or friendship, embodied and performed by the catapulting of the giver's body through the air, landing upon the reciever. Usually performed across great distances (eg, from a University down to London and/or back again.)
    "

    Heroically Inebriated

    "
    Suddenly, into the fray come several streaks of red light. Far in the distance, the noble warriors see the wonderful sight of copyright infringement in action!"

    "
    The abode of the Matt was the venue for some rather drunken moments of interest. Spend time with the mother which was cool, ranted stupidly at people, tunred others emo, and got to watch Rob and Matt... "enjoy themselves". Ah twas all fun."

    March (5 posts)

    Musicalality

    "
    BRAiNFREEZE, the combined force of the musical talents of Chris Champion, Tom Gail, Jamie Rostant and Liam Riordan, all sublimely erotic young gentlemen. I'm totally straight, ok."

    "
    . And the sex they were, belting out such classics as Dark Secrets, Black Soul, Radiation Burns, Humpty Dumpty,and even some new additions to the proceeding such as the lovingly titled 'Epic', and the amazing half time entertainment of Chris throwing a drumstick at Jamie's head and the band forcing Sean the Prefabricated into a stage dive."

    "
    MUCH fun was had with one member of the crowd. Rob and in fact most of the group were scared of this... creature. Imagine an obese sperm whale in a wig. Now imagine it having sex with your grandparents. It was THAT revolting"

    "
    After a quick few minutes of talkage and conspiring about exactly what was going on behind the door of the gents (eventually agreeing on a trapdoor that led into the Ladies that changed your gender as you entered), we left and entered the Forum"

    Blissful poking

    "
    I recently asked my bessie mates round for a game of poker. However, we soon got into a massive fight and it all went wrong! I felt totally gutted, and we're so not talking any more. Could I be pregnant?""

    "
    Jon meets Lewis and the two are talking about such wonderful things as the weather, horses, zorses, and how phenominally STRAIGHT 'chard is (totally in contrast with our questionable bliss photographer)."

    "
    The problem here is easily solved. Use the horse cards next time. And no, you couldn't be pregnant you repulsive preteen..."

    ASHLEY'S GAY!!!

    "
    This wierd weekend has actually only been wierd becuase of one deciding factor: I've actually done things. While usually my weekend involves me sitting here spewing out immense amounts of random crap on MSN to you wonderful chaps (and nonchaps more likely) I actually spent almost ALL or this 2 day stretch doing things of various consequence."

    "
    We couldn't find anything in Clarks, though we did have a good old larf at the "Buy One Get One Free" stand, which is only really funny if you knew that there was only 1 shoe on display and the very nature of there being a PAIR of shoes. Ah hilairty"

    "
    The main highlights of the evening were Paul getting completely wasted (this being the first night of serious drinking for him) and Ashley being a cheating little shit:"

    "
    I also researched the paperclip, which was bloody interesting."

    Genesis 4:24

    "
    BRAiNFREEZE were the starter, since there was minimal moshing and only slight volume. Lacuna Coil were the main course, offering the volume, atmosphere and venue. Dido and Aeneas offered none of those (not being food) but was still a fun part of the cycle. Comalies was something enduring, with the initial sweetness leaving a lasting freshness, despite not being as filling as the real thing. And as for the haemorraging? Oh yeh baby!"

    "
    We met Guy and after a very crowded tube ride (goth sluts and jewish businessmen in the same carriage. Meaty) we got off (the tube) at Kentish Town and made our way to the Forum"

    "
    After passing one vomiting man (took him the length of the queue to get that drunk. Think his name was Pallo)"

    "
    Amazing song, which me Matt and Nick linked arms and swayed along, belting the lines back at M (now shadeless. Sexy mother fucker!)"

    "
    I staved off the discomfort of sock travel by stuffing the sock with the Metro"

    Neologist

    "
    WIAGAR
    Irritant, Acronym

    When I Am Good And Ready. Used in the defence of one who is being pestered by another to complete a task, such as reading a book or posting on an RP. (See also: IAGAR, GAR, WYAGAR)"

    April (7 posts)

    Look COCKFACE! You're all big now! You've grown up!

    "After that was a celebratory meal with Jon Dave Matt Rob Tom Liam Chris and I, and then the group sans Jon (who had taken off in the Aubergine Avenger)and Chris went to the Railway and enjoyed the sumptuous delights of H2SO4. Or whatever it is."

    "Most of the day was spent playing pictionary on Stanton's board and Category Snap. After deciding that the rest of the day was going to be a morbid waste of space and time, Steve Jon and I sped off to respective homes"

    Music to live by

    "
    Will I ever have children?
    Drowned and Torn Asunder- Trivium (Master Anakin, there's too many...)
    "

    "
    What song will play at my funeral?
    Tattered and Torn - Slipknot (Along with my kids I suppose?!)

    What type of men/women do I like?
    You Can Have It All - Kaiser Chiefs (NOT GAY!!!)

    What is my day going to be like?
    Come Cover Me - Nightwish (NOT GAY!! NOT GAY!!!)
    "

    Taking love for Granted

    "
    Ever noticed ALL romantic comedies are basically the same film? Even Shakespeare knew this when he milked sources for R+J. So, I have here the definitive reference guide to all the codes conventions and clichés of this marvellous genre I am far too susceptible too."

    Blogging up to 11

    "
    And if you're coming to Twelfth Night, we're on 3rd on the 27th and 2nd on the 28th. Tickets on sale through school or me if you give me the cash. Don't worry, as much as it's flamboyantly theatrical, it will be noticably lacking in the Great Guiseppe"

    "
    There is nothing better for my mood than relaxing back on the internet, with music at Disaster Area levels and only become tolerable if you leave the building"

    A reign of spoons

    "
    Collective nouns seem strange to me. Ok, I get some of the obvious ones, but wheres the logic behind 'a murder of crows'? Who came up with 'a tedium of golfers'? So, in true cynic style, I decided that obviously what had happened was that people had taken the subject, and randomly scanned the dictionary for a word to match"

    Wii are not amused

    "
    The only good thing about it is that, yes the jokes ARE endless. Cream of the crop being "Wii will break down that wall that separates game players from everybody else".

    Meh. Who am I to complain? I share a name with a Swiss Vegetable. I suppose Nintendo are right when they say:

    "...it's really not about you or me. It's about Wii. And together, Wii will change everything."
    Dropping my stomach

    "
    Far too nice for my own good. Meaning if i don't like you i'm gonna have to bitch behind your back. Not that I do much, I try and like everyone. Always end up copying others's foibles and mannerisms to ingratiate myself, to the point where the advice 'be yourself' is fecking pointless since I don't have a myself."

    "
    Girls are amazing creatures. I love the female gender, becuase they're amazing listeners, can bring out the best in me, are ALL beautiful both outside and in, smell nicer than men, and are just as much of a laugh. However, get too emotional, clingy, crazy, possessive or start trying to run MY life how YOU think I should, and you will be the only person to see me at my worst."

    "
    Favourite non-metal: Helen"

    "
    according to Rachel my amazing skill is being able to wear tracksuit trousers without looking lke a chav. Score!"

    May (2 posts)

    Denouement

    "
    If any of you arent so familiar with what happens in Twelfth Night, basic plot is that 2 twins are seperated, and the girl goes to work for this duke who she falls in love while he sends her off to chat up the girl he likes, who in turn falls in love with the girl twin, until the boy twin comes along, gets mistaken for the girl twin by the dukes girl, and they all have an orgy, during which Shakespearian scholars from Mars come to the village and take the Duke hostage. The twins then fuse together to produce some giant uber powerful anime type thing and fight the aliens, while trained monkeys are dancing on trapezes above the stage. It all ends when a giant Rhino called reginald come on stage demanding to get a job as a tailor, and (shakespeare being shakespeare) makes many many dirty jokes about horns, at which point the duke gets with the monkeys, the twins have triplets and the dukes girl turns into a pot of Jam."

    "
    Ashley doing what he does worst: Acting"

    "
    Ah, good times. Last ever performance at LPBS :'(... I'm sad now..
    But still, W00t! The Leaver's Ball!
    "

    "
    Seriously, how does this guy [me] NOT spend all day in the slavery of viciously horny women?"

    "
    Chris!!! Legend!"

    "
    Ash!!! Gay!"

    "
    Butterworth looks like a forlorn puppy"

    "
    Tables!!! TABLES!!! HOT PISS!!"

    Souply Scientific

    "
    So, in this scientifically minded post, I attempt to disprove the folly that is the Serving Suggestion and the product description...

    ...of the humble Cup-a-Soup It was that wise and northern philosopher Peter Kay that first uttered the eternal admission that 'noone dares make cup a soup in a bowl'. Well, since I am currently struck down with tonsillitus, and Steve insisted i don't waste my time while slacking off without the ability to swallow without dying, I decided to do something worthwhile and harken back to my GCSE year science lessons"

    "
    If serving Cup-A-Soup in a bowl is mad, then how can you serve soup in a slim?"

    "
    Yes, I AM that bored."

    June (4 posts)

    Vitamin D

    "
    There's only 3 things I thank the sun for: Nature, salads and female fashion."

    Illumiérenating

    "
    The Oscars!
    Yes indeed was an evening much looked forward to by the entire cohort. After a long wait outside with free alcohol (being passed around by the years 12s! make them slaves work!)"

    "
    I found myself sat next to a sex pest and a legend (ashley and louis respectively...ashley's gay)"

    "
    ME!!! and dave. BUT ME!!! Woo! A well deserved rubber chicken me feels. Striking a blow for every person of colour, doing it for the children etc etc."

    "
    But, what school function (read, excuse to get completely wasted) would be complete without that master of magic, the head himself, ol' Cheddar, decked out in his best bib and tucker!"

    July (2 posts)

    River of Thoughts

    "
    Here's the deal. I've set a 52 minute timer on my phone (meaning it SHOULD go off at 5, in time for me to put the kettle on for mum and feed the cats) and during it's countdown im just gonna keep writing about everything and nothing. Hopefully it'll stave off the boredom and heat and maybe someone can read it later on and tell me exactly what's romg with me (Hane, fancy writing a book about me?) As I result the spelling may be inaccurate to a marginal degree cos I really dont want to read it again and edit it. May lead onto some nice freudian slips and indications on how much i need to practise my touch typing."

    "
    After some interestingly convoluted travel arrangements and mixups involving oyster cards shower's and Calvin and Hobbes, I made it safe and sound to the abode of one David Chander MC. After the initial WTF's and OMG's over my hair which has actualy been cut for thiose who didnt know, so you'll have plenty of time to steel yourself for when you see it next, I sat and spectated the interesting game of MArio party 6 that was being played"

    "
    Driving is fun. A lot more so now i don't have Jackie or the examiner brathing down my neck. I have only as yet hit one thing, a tree which went the wrong way druing a turn in the road. I've ferried 5 peoplearound so far, and almost last night managed to get rob to go through the windscreen doing an emergency stop while the cretin didnt have his seatbelt on. Fool"

    "
    Must buy tape adaptior. Must get job. Must do lots of things really"

    "
    my knee still hurts form when I fell over. From standing still. Sreouisly, never stop moving while drunk, it's far too dangerous..."

    "
    Wihe i was driivng aimlessly around bromley/park langley ways, we were counted lucky ot have with us a copy of bohmeian rhapsody. Anyone who's ever seen any clip of Wayne's world will probably be able to make and educated gess at what happened next"

    "
    My wrsits are actually starting to get all exammy. Is using a keyboard anymore strenuous athan usinga pen? imean, with a pen youactually have to grip it whereas a keyboard you arent really trensing anything. Or mayver thats the problme. I dunno, I'll aska piano teacher."

    Bliss

    "Sometimes life just works"

    August (5 posts)

    Goodbyeee...

    "
    This is where we get ripped apart and left behind. It's how it works. And it's starting to piss me off."

    Confusion in Time

    "I
    f they're trying to sell 0000 as the middle of the night, why is the time before it later than it?"

    The longest 45 minutes

    "
    Yes indeed! Today, the 27th August 2006 marks the 110th anniversary of the Anglo-Zanzibar War! What a wonderful thing it was, 45 minutes of nonstop shelling, blowing apart the better part of the harbour and slaughtering hundreds just to get at a Sultan they didn't like! Well, he was liked by the Germans I guess..."

    Rawr

    "This is one pussy you don't wanna fick wit'!
    "

    September (6 posts)

    Insensitivity

    "With the tragic death of Steve Irwin finally sinking in, his family have now begun the preparations for their final goodbyes at his funeral. Already scheduled to play at this sombre event is Sting, who will be playing specially re-recorded versions of his hits, "Fortress Around Your Heart" and "Be Still My Beating Heart"."

    Lust

    "
    Until recently it has been a welcome and favourite feature of mine to connect said sexy device to the PC upon which this corresponce is being typed using the supplied DCU-60 USB cable, and with the almost magical ease having been able to transfer (electronically, mind you) data from the PC to said maturbatory aid, and back again from "the pleasurer" to the PC."

    Prophetical

    "
    SARAH IS A CHEAT!!!!"

    Literary

    "J
    ill Murphy's Worst Witch series, which was responsible not only for my current bookish nature but also for my acceptance of literature designed purely for girls. It's a guilty pleasure."

    "
    "Yo, dudes, just to let you know; that whole commandment thing about not killing people? Yeh, that should also mean 'Thou shalt not kill, even (or especially if) I or JC or any other diety or omnipotent force say you should. Cos, you know, it's written right there in plain Aramaic/Greek/Latin/KJV (whatever that is) 'Thou shalt NOT kill. Full stop. End of. In fact, can I just add in the 11th commandment? 'Verily, those that say I'm talking to them without me actually saying so (with burning bush and/or other miracle accompaniments) are very very delusional and should be taken into the proper care that they deserve. Cos, as forgiving a God as I am, those guys are just whacked in the head. Oh and this book is dedicated to Mary. Stand up girl, sorry I had to take off like that. Call me?'"

    "
    "WHAP AWESOME FIRST CHAPTER!! OMFG LIKE WHATS GONA HAPPEN EXCITEMENT EXCITEMENT possible weird bloke, but thats a subplot right... no...no thats actually the story... ok...this guy is nuts...this guy is annoying...that girl needs the 11th on her...this book is shit...""

    October (8 posts)

    Refreshingly positive

    "
    To be fair, I'm sure when I look at this in years to come I'll think exactly the same (except no3 will be "I was SICKENINGLY emo...""

    "
    SINGING OH GOD IT HAS SINGING!!!"

    "
    Lunch is a cooking, and I'm deterrmined to at least get THAT right."

    Finally Fantastic

    "
    'm going to bore EVERYONE by saying a few words about all the FF's! AREN'T YOU LUCKY?!! (stop crying at the back there)"

    "
    10 More Things Sarah Will Use In Court As Evidence of my Caddishness"

    Prompt Me

    "
    Today has been an odd day. And not just becuase I spelt today as topdaty"

    "
    Long story short, at 7am (i can be up that early, who says I can't, leave me alone!) I plodded downstairs and let in said Caffiened Crusader, whence we proceeded to spend all the twilight hours in convivial conversation. Well, until about 8 when she had to leave (possibly completely confusing my parents all the while). So that was odd"

    "
    Anyhoogan, I got to Nick's, said hi to Nick and Rachel (who weren't up yet, tsk tsk, some of us were up at 7!) and we then proceeded to watch Nick jumpstart his car (very fun) went and got popcorn, came back and watched both Airplane! films with lots of laughs from Nick and myself and the odd discernible snigger from Rachel. So that was odd."

    Legal Age

    "
    "Heil Addy! So, made it to 40 then! Well, you know what they say! Life begins at 40 unless you're against der Ubermensch Ideal and thus are currently awaiting gassing in which case life ends Looong before then""

    "
    Still, the news report does end with the boss of the company lightening with the jokey conclusion: " "We certainly still encourage the practice of buying cakes!""

    Erm. Actually, no. Candles would break health and safety regulations for one thing. Also, what about allergies? NUTS MAN! And after all, there might be chocolate in that cake. And we all know that it coudl be dark chocolate, and you know who ate dark chocolate? HITLER THAT'S WHO! And not to mention DARK chocolate carries connotations of RACISM! RACIST! And whats that? There are numbers? In icing? NUMBERS SHOW AGE/AGE IS AGIST YOU FACIST!!
    "

    Richtig

    "
    1. Crying is blackmail"

    November (4 posts)

    Arson

    "
    Maybe the mystery of the West Ranch fire is solved..."

    Summary

    "
    Went to London with SassyG and Evelyn, and learned that London with girls is very different that with all guys. A lot better looking for one thing :-P"

    "B
    een to Railway and got my drink spiked with ProPlus"

    "
    Regale me with anecdotes! Amuse me with stories! Shock me with revelations! Befuddle me with images! Excite me with placemats! Seduce me with metaphors! Fallump me with Hitachi DAP 761s! Pythagoras me with tangents! Stream me with consciousness!"

    December (5 posts)

    'Tis the 2006/2007 season

    "
    note: that's Christmas. Not X-mas, Xmas, Chrimbo, 'smas or anything! So fuck your anti-religious sentiments! I'm sticking it to the man! That man there, his name's Geoff. Bad Geoff, bad! No biscuit for Geoff!"

    "
    NERDGASM!!!! OMFG!!! Seriously. OMFG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111!!!!!"

    "
    So, Christmas has been and gone with Jesus suffering his usual Birthday/Christmas hangover. The Chard too, has succumbed to the odd momnent of drunken revelry, but the less said about those the better really."

    "
    Man I'm pathetic..."

    ==================

    Thus ends 2006. Thank god, it was like a slightly less shit 2005 with added boredom and isolation.

    Come on 2007, show me what you got mother fucker.

    December 27, 2006

    This post could get me arrested.

    So, Christmas has been and gone with Jesus suffering his usual Birthday/Christmas hangover. The Chard too, has succumbed to the odd momnent of drunken revelry, but the less said about those the better really.

    So, materialism, what did I get?
    • Creative Zen Vision: M, sexy bit of gadget related sex
    • Kingdom Hearts II (Stompp rocks!), more of which will be covered below
    • 2007 Calender of Hokusai prints, the dude who did the wave picture and also arguably the first example fo tentacle rape. Cultured.
    • Finger drums, which are unique in being a drum kit made of nothing but 1 cymbal, thank you sarah for that
    • Other things...
    So, yeh KHII, a few points which i need to get of my chest and put into the public domain to add to my oddness.In Kingdom Hearts 1, the main love interest was Kairi. A lovely girl, true, but she looked about 10, so fantasies where limited (in comparison to, say, Yuna):







    See? Cute, but in a very illegal sense. Which is why I'm ever so glad that Nomura put a bit of thought into the design for her in KHII, and grew her up a bit. Kairi is now very, VERY hot









    Thankfully they also had the foresight to add the amazginly hot visage of the blond Naminé.








    Man I'm pathetic...

    December 24, 2006

    December 21, 2006

    December 17, 2006

    This Does Not Affect Your Statutory Rape

    Sorry about the title, it popped into my head while reading Hane's latest post. Made me giggle at least. See Julia? Can be funny.

    I've had a lot of people mentioning to (screaming at) me about the small detail that my blog has undergone a bit of a rehaul. Well I thought it was time for a change really. I've had that same orange and white layout since the start of the blog (way back in 2004), and with the switch to this newfangled blogger better thing, and it's newly acquired ease to edit, the time seemed right. Besides, it's nearly Christmas, so consider this your present! (note: that's Christmas. Not X-mas, Xmas, Chrimbo, 'smas or anything! So fuck your anti-religious sentiments! I'm sticking it to the man! That man there, his name's Geoff. Bad Geoff, bad! No biscuit for Geoff!). The only real difference anyway is the colour scheme (almost no clashing!) and the fact that I removed a few dead link and updated a few broken ones. So in that respect its no different for any of you, except for the fact you may have an allergy to red text and start coming out in a rash everytime you go on the page, but that's a price i'm sure you're all willing to pay to read my wonderfully wise words of wonder, whimsy, wishes and wibbles. W's for the W!

    It's been stated that my only activities in life are currently Smallville, MSN and Rehearsals. Unfortunately, I've watched all Smallville and finished rehearsals. Fortunately, I've rekindled my love affair with Final Fantasy, finishing VI and getting further than ever on V. I rule! Hyrule!

    So, the long awaited promise of a thing about Cinderella can now be fulfilled! Strap yourselves in boys.

    Cinderella the Sequel. Just look at that again. Cinderella. The Sequel. A sequel to Cinderella. Already panto aficianados (sp?) should be heaving over their lattes. Another rollicking panto from the mind that brought us such updated classics as Goldilocks and the Three Martians, Red Ridinghood Goes Out West and, who could forget, Sleeping Beauty Goes Back To The Future. With such a classic repertoire under her belt, Jackie Staite could almost be forgiven for thinking that her plays were in anyway good. But, Theatre 62 decided to enlist 25 hapless individuals to prove to her, once and for all, that delusion is a big part of the panto world, not reality.

    And so the cast assembled back in the deep dark murk of time (September ish) to read over the play for the first time. With a resounding cry of "THIS IS TERRIBLE" the director/eagle, Eve Stone then got her thinking beak on and decided to try and salvage the panto into something vaguely presentable. And she certainly managed that. Oh yes she did. Oh no. No. She really didn't.

    OK, I'm bashing it a bit. Actually this entire post is kinda odd. I'm in an odd state of mind. Might have ben all the alcohol, but I'll get to that later. Huh. But anyway, panto. As you may have gathered, the script was described with a miriad of phrases, each bluer than the last. In fact I had a lot of fun recently re-reading the original script (still got it) and seeing just how much had changed. Most of it in fact. I also learned that I'd been forgetting to say a line for about 2 months. Noone picked me up on it though. Huh. Rehearsal were generally quite painless, even if Eve had a frustrating habit of being increibly vexing. Such as making a decision one rehearsal, only to shout at you when you did it next rehearsal, only to forcefully deny that she'd ever do such thing as tell you to do what she told you to do. Seriously, it was getting to the point that if I'd argued to point any more she'd have put her finger in her ears and gone "LAALAAALAA I CAN'T HEAR YOU LALALA". URGH. Anyway I suppose the best thing about it all was that it a) got me out of the house a bit, which I'm sure everyone can agree as being a good thing and b) I got to meet new people. Not that I'm replacing you lot at all, heaven forbid, you are all still most special to me. But then again you aren't here, so, you know. All good people. We are all one.

    The actual performances were good and funky, I managed to get a grand total of some people there, which was a big help when it came to enduring the 2 and a half hour performance, not to mention the pain of being orange and have a dead seal attached to my head for no reason. And that DAMN costume under those stage lights!!! It doesn't show up in any of Dave's photos, but I was sweating like a paedo in a playground under that thing. I tried holding it with one finger once, and I swear the damn thing was about to break off! The finger, not the jacket.

    But, twas a fun experience which I hope can only be bettered by the next one. Which you are all coming to see yes? (23rd - 28th April cough cough). Oh, and for any that didn't come and see it (EMMIE!!!) I have a copy on video which hopefully monsewer Jani will be able to turn into DVD, so that should be sorted nicely.

    And so, to the present. HHAHAHAHA!!! PRESENT! I was, last night attending the T62 christmas party, which everyone seemed to be perplexed at. Seriously, as I was leaving Louis phoned, 20 minutes later Rob phoned, Dave phoned after that, THEN Tom phoned and THEN Sarah phoned!!! And Stompp texted in there somewhere. Why am I only popular when I'm busy?!! (by th'way, Christmas party, present? Geddit?) Twas an evening of funness, rollicking and alcohol. Which may have been a bad idea for some:
    DSCF6687
    We, being the young people, had our own little table, with another table attached to accomodate Caroline's (Cinderella) mother sister and boyfriend. We were of course, nearest the bar which allowed for quick purchasing of alcoholic substances. Food was good none of which I actually had due to the fact I ate before I came out, but that just meant there was more for everyone else, so I felt good and charitabubble. The table itself was quite prettiful, with candles and decorations and yayful things (how Helen did that sound?):
    DSCF6680
    Reserved! Yes! We rock! But there was lots to be done, such as watching lighting technicians/set designers/sound technicians try their hand at treading the boards, with rather predictably hilarious results. I counted about 15 seperate promptings and several moment of 4th wall shatterage:
    DSCF6681
    And there were presents!
    DSCF6682
    DSCF6683
    DSCF6685
    Doesn't Amy look happy? And singing!
    DSCF6690
    And dancing!
    DSCF6689
    And posing!
    DSCF6691
    DSCF6692
    DSCF6693
    DSCF6688
    Some bloke absconding with my Cinderella there...

    Had a good long chat with Cinderellas sister also. And she is like the coolest person ever! She's a gamer! She's a geek! Random! I was scared, yet amused. Speaking of, doing ok in FFV, on the 2nd world, which is a first. So hopefully that should be done by little past Christmas in time for FFIV or KH which will lead me nicely to the February release of:























    NERDGASM!!!! OMFG!!! Seriously. OMFG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111!!!!!

    And on that note:

    'chard

    Playing:
    Final Fantasy V
    Reading: Sabriel
    Listening to: 'Oh My God' - Kaiser Chiefs
    Annoyed with: Back of my neck
    Mood: Little tired
    Song currently stuck in head: None in my head
    Favourite Song of the Minute: 'Beelzeboss' - Tenacious D

    December 11, 2006

    I can act! Sort of!

    I'll come back to you with a full update later tonight slash tomorrow, so here, courtesy of Dauve is an illegal kabloo of me in act-shun

    Enjoi

    November 23, 2006

    I'm a knight!



    If anyone wants a synced version let me know... damn YouTube..

    November 21, 2006

    Title goes here...

    Yeh yeh haven't blogged catching up go hell...

    Actually, no Im not going to apologise! NOONE's been fecking blogging! I mean, come on guys I know you're busy geting drunk everynight and waking up next morning only to remeber you should actually do work while in uni,but come on! Regale me with anecdotes! Amuse me with stories! Shock me with revelations! Befuddle me with images! Excite me with placemats! Seduce me with metaphors! Fallump me with Hitachi DAP 761s! Pythagoras me with tangents! Stream me with consciousness!

    ~Anyway, plea over, what has this lonesome soul been up to since last he trod these hallowed halls of html and shoddy spealing?

    Off the peak of my cranium:
    1. Been to Cambridge
    2. Been to Aberystwyth
    3. Been to Railway and got my drink spiked with ProPlus
    4. Been to lunch with 6 actors and an Assisstant Stage Manager and heard paralysingly funny stories about dressing gowns...
    5. Had arsonistical revelations (see below)
    6. Talked trash on MSN
    7. Been single, with the horrors entailed coming ever closer...
    8. Saw Julia and Lewis, both looking nauseatingly studenty...
    9. Had little credit
    10. Joined Facebook, making MySpace obsolete
    11. Learned to cook fajitas with Guest, with varying degrees of complete anarchy
    12. Learned how to do jumpcuts on my phone camera, allowing for complete lunacy
    13. Been to Hastings for 5 minutes and back with Stomppé
    14. Been BORED SHITLESS
    15. Failed to finish learning To Zanarkand, will get onto that...
    16. Had rehearsals with an eagle
    17. Had an audition for 84 Charing Cross Road
    18. Gave in and took Sonata Arctica and Blind Guardian from the Dauvish one
    19. Started Final Fantasy VI, now on World of Ruin. Nearly finished! WHEE!
    20. Drooled over the unanimous love for FFXII
    21. Still haven't found my memory card, or bought Kingdom Hearts II
    22. Saw The Prestige with Tom and Rachel, Tom proceeding to confuse the hell out of everyone while being technically right
    23. Become addicted to Dancing Mad
    24. Going to see Muse tomorrow!!!
    25. Went to London with SassyG and Evelyn, and learned that London with girls is very different that with all guys. A lot better looking for one thing :-P
    26. Got colder
    27. Watched more Smallville than is reasonable
    28. Become addicted once again to Late Night Party Poker
    29. Did this
    30. Saw the JANI twice
    31. Didnt get a job
    And there you go, thats all I can think of...

    I'll be with you sooner my dears. Just afterI actually find something in life to fecking do

    Playing: Final Fantasy VI
    Reading: Eragon the moment I can be arsed to get down the library and get it
    Listening to: 'Drowning Lessons' - My Chemical Romance
    Annoyed with: My hands and nose
    Mood: M'ok
    Song currently stuck in head: None really
    Favourite Song of the Minute: 'Master of Puppets' - Trivium/Metallica

    November 09, 2006

    In addition to yesterday's post

    From my folder of photos from the Nightwish gig:

    November 08, 2006

    Just a quickie

    Maybe the mystery of the West Ranch fire is solved...

    October 22, 2006

    The Guy's Rules

    We always hear "the rules" from the female side.Now here are the rules from the male side.
    These are our rules!

    Please note these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

    1. Men are NOT mind readers.

    1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down

    1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

    1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

    1. Crying is blackmail

    1. Ask for what you want.

    Let us be clear on this one:
    Subtle hints do not work!
    Strong hints do not work!
    Obvious hints do not work!
    Just say it!

    1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

    1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's whatwe do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

    1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

    1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

    1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

    1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself !

    1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

    1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

    1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

    1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

    1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

    1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

    1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.

    1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football, the off side rule, Or golf.

    1. You have enough clothes

    1. You have too many shoes

    1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

    1. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on th ecouch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

    Thanks to Stompps lack of productivity for this one.

    October 11, 2006

    ...what?

    From BBC News
    Greetings cards passed around the office and signed for a colleague's birthday have been banned by a company in Bournemouth.

    Alan and Thomas Ltd said they stopped the card signings, as jokes or comments about someone's age could be offensive under new age discrimination laws.

    Just one simple question. What? Seriously, who actually came up with that idea?

    Ok, lets set the record straight. I am ALL for Political Correctness Gone Mad (really, no joke...) but even this is too far. I bet even the Nazi's allowed inhouse greeting cards before paper rationing. You can just see Hilter opening his card from Eva 'n' the boys and reading "Heil Addy! So, made it to 40 then! Well, you know what they say! Life begins at 40 unless you're against der Ubermensch Ideal and thus are currently awaiting gassing in which case life ends Looong before then".

    Now THAT'S insensitivity. Anyway, lets read on in the article:

    The firm's boss, Julian Boughton, said they had taken legal advice.

    Directors of the Bournemouth-based insurance brokers will instead send a card on behalf of all staff.
    Well then there's no problem! They took LEGAL advice! I actually managed to get in touch with the lawyer Mr Boughton used for this advice, and after some quick introductions I perused all the credentials on the wall behind them, read one out to him and was asked "Want fries with that?".

    On behalf of all staff though? Not too bad I guess, a little bit impersonal, but at least the feeling's still there, you still at least get one card on behalf of your colleagues and friends Right?
    "Instead we have decided that the company will send a card to each staff member on their birthday, signed by the directors."
    Oh well.

    Now, in an unprecedented move (for me, I really am this bored) I decided to peruse the Act that they cite as the reason for this completely undraconian decision; The Employement Equality (Age) Regulations Act 2006 (only been in force 10 days you know!). Yes, I know, research! Don't worry im not THat mad...

    So, lets have a look for any relevant passages...

    Wow, I love legalese! Look at some of these definitions!

    "1996 Act" means the Employment Rights Act 1996" (as opposed to any other act of 1996. Lest we forget!)
    "Great Britain" includes such of the territorial waters of the United Kingdom as are adjacent to Great Britain;" (of course)
    "school", in England and Wales, has the meaning given by section 4 of the Education Act 1996[5], and, in Scotland, has the meaning given by section 135(1) of the Education (Scotland) Act 1980[6], and references to a school are to an institution in so far as it is engaged in the provision of education under those sections; (fantastic! I'm gonna use that to answer people who as about school, Airplane style! 'School? What is it? Well it has the meaning given by section 4 of the Education Act 1996...but that's not important right now')

    Ah, wait, here we go! The meat!
    3. —(1) For the purposes of these Regulations, a person ("A") discriminates against another person ("B") if—

    (a) on grounds of B's age, A treats B less favourably than he treats or would treat other persons, or

    (b) A applies to B a provision, criterion or practice which he applies or would apply equally to persons not of the same age group as B, but—

    and A cannot show the treatment or, as the case may be, provision, criterion or practice to be a proportionate means of achieving a legitimate aim.
    Put simply: "If you treat him bad cos of his age then you're discriminating". Easy. Ooh, section 5 has a kickass title! " Instructions to discriminate". Awesome! They even tell you how to do it!

    Ok, so we got the definition of "Age discrimination" sorted. One problem. The rest of the bill says just (in a nutshell):
    Do not discriminate on grounds of age during interviews, hiring, training, firing, pension etc etc and nothing specifically saying "BITRHDAY CRDS R T£H BAD LOLZ!!!" (damn legalese..).

    But maybe I'm missing this little gem, in section 6, harrasment on grounds of age: For the purposes of these Regulations, a person ("A") subjects another person ("B") to harassment where, on grounds of age, A engages in unwanted conduct which has the purpose or effect of— (a) violating B's dignity; or (b) creating an intimidating, hostile, degrading, humiliating or offensive environment for B.

    Ah there we go! Of course, making a jokey comment about someones age in a birthday card will of course contravene Section 6 Subsection (b) (is that right?). Cos, you know, if someone gave me a card with this (http://www.pbfcomics.com/archive/0PBF22048BC-Today_is_my_Birthday.gif) on it I too would feel intimidated/hostile/degraded/humiliated and/or offended.

    Still, the news report does end with the boss of the company lightening with the jokey conclusion: " "We certainly still encourage the practice of buying cakes!""

    Erm. Actually, no. Candles would break health and safety regulations for one thing. Also, what about allergies? NUTS MAN! And after all, there might be chocolate in that cake. And we all know that it coudl be dark chocolate, and you know who ate dark chocolate? HITLER THAT'S WHO! And not to mention DARK chocolate carries connotations of RACISM! RACIST! And whats that? There are numbers? In icing? NUMBERS SHOW AGE/AGE IS AGIST YOU FACIST!!

    So, in light of this post I move to declare that ALL birthdays be banned in the professional sphere. Its discrimiatory against those who don't have birthdays. It'll make them feel like outsiders, pressuring their lack of popularity cos THEY didnt get a card/cake/present. Oh yeh presents! Who knows WHO could package a parcel bomb in wrapping paper these days?!

    BAN BIRTHDAYS!!! JOIN TEH CAUSSE! ANTI-AGISM FTW!

    Activistchard

    Playing: Final Fantasy V
    Reading: Kerrang!
    Listening to: 'Transparent' - Spineshank
    Annoyed with: My aching muscles
    Mood: m'ok
    Song currently stuck in head: None really
    Favourite Song of the Minute: 'Bleeding Mascara' - Atreyu

    October 08, 2006

    Whose Line is it Anyway?

    Sorry for the double post, but this is far too funny to pass up


    Dancing Mad

    Today has been an odd day. And not just becuase I spelt today as topdaty.

    It all begins WAaaaaaaaaaaaaay back, almost... ooh...18 hours ago, at 1am. I decided to relieve certain frustrastions and desires in one orgasmically gushing force and stve off the boredom witha a puzzle game of some description. Paths, if you must know. So, 2 hours later I had finally conquered said game (I'm on the score board. 80something) and had decided that, due so annoying circumstances I would happen to spirit myself away, up that old wooden hill to Bedfordshire. Was very nice too, very friendly locals. Anyway, as I was lying there I realised that in face sleep was going to be a chore (mostly due to the cat that had decided to choose that moment to leap onto my stomach and use me as an impromptu sleeping surface), so desiring some small semblance of company (which certain people were being very reluctant to grant) I texted the small coffee obsessed one, who it turned out was none too far from me.

    Long story short, at 7am (i can be up that early, who says I can't, leave me alone!) I plodded downstairs and let in said Caffiened Crusader, whence we proceeded to spend all the twilight hours in convivial conversation. Well, until about 8 when she had to leave (possibly completely confusing my parents all the while). So that was odd

    Then, at 10am I arose again, plodded to the shower, cleaned myself while ignoring the feeling of unease that had crept over me, got dressed (careful) got everything together, and went and sat at teh bus stop...

    ...15 minutes later, I stood up, looked at the timetable, saw the bus didn't run on sundays and proceeded to walk. So that was odd.

    Anyhoogan, I got to Nick's, said hi to Nick and Rachel (who weren't up yet, tsk tsk, some of us were up at 7!) and we then proceeded to watch Nick jumpstart his car (very fun) went and got popcorn, came back and watched both Airplane! films with lots of laughs from Nick and myself and the odd discernible snigger from Rachel. So that was odd.

    This was also odd...

    This was just hysterical... though odd...


    Then I went t'Theatre 62 and got said hello to by my brother. So that was odd.

    Chard. Who is odd...

    October 05, 2006

    Sarah's Final Fantasy

    Well, I'm bored. Its nearly midnight, but rather than go to bed (bed? ha!) I might as well do this. Thing is, I just don't talk about sarah in this blog anymore. A fact that she has mentioned to me (many times) and I have acknowledged. So, in order to rectify it, here's one about her.Well, actually she gets the start; the rest will be dealt with after. So, without further adieu:

    10 Things You're About To Wish I'd Never Told You About Sarah
    OR
    10 More Things Sarah Will Use In Court As Evidence of my Caddishness

    1. Sarah currently owns at least 4 items of clothing that are mine. She steadfastly refuses to return them.
    2. Sarah's late 2004/early 2005 dying of the hair was indirectly my fault. I told her I liked black hair. Oops
    3. Sarah was the second person to ever beat me on Soul Calibur II purely through button-mashing tactics. The first was some wanker I played with 3 months before the game was released who thought Guarding was an attack. Arse...
    4. Sarah was the first person I ever cooked for, and once she got out of hospital was kind enough to tell me what I shouldn't have done.
    5. Sarah managed to completely out geek me when she bought and ran her own D+D game.
    6. Sarah is also a selfconfessed Star Trek TNG fan. By which I mean I had to spend 40 minutes in her room waiting for the episode she was watching to finish before she even said hello to me.
    7. Sarah is of course a strict vegetarian. I'm sure we all remember the furore at BBQ1. I managed to convince her for 5 minutes that there was nothing to eat at my brothers party, telling her mum was rubbing the lettuce in bacon fat. Sarah's reply of "What? Why would she do that?" caused a lot of giggling, and an addition of a label to the table stating "Lettuce: Rubbed in fat".
    8. Sarah stated in this post of hers that I was late turning up. She punished me by taking me shopping. I never learnt.
    9. Sarah tonight discovered in her drawers (careful) an old valentines card she never sent me. Had to be from about the time we first met, she didn't spell my name right.
    10. Sarah claims to know everything there is to know about me. Unfortunately I can't say the same. Much as I love me, I never take much of an interest.
    Hopefully this should be enough to be getting on with. She really should just get on with her own blog but there we go.

    ---------------------------------------------------------------

    Many of you many know or be aware that I am a total Final Fantasy freak. I've owned/played all the games I can, I've got most of the soundtracks, I can even say I saw The Spirits Within on its first day of release and have a fansub of Advent Children. And if you didn't know that then now you do. Looking over my old blogs it was customary to do some random reviews of new things (my Gothika review (April 2nd) still rings true today), so I'm going to bore EVERYONE by saying a few words about all the FF's! AREN'T YOU LUCKY?!! (stop crying at the back there)

    Final Fantasy

    Ah, the first and original! 1987, the golden summer, with Squaresoft on the very brink of bankruptcy! Hironobu Sakaguchi pumped out this NES classic and history was made! Ok, so it was a D'n'D rip, the graphics became dated pretty quickly and it was harder than a cast-iron skinhead, but it was a start, and more importantly it sold! Pity that Amano-san's wonderful character artwork became pretty clunky in the change to sprites, but with an 8-bit console whaddyagonnado?

    Pros
    The first, and gameply/storywise is still pretty farkin' decent.
    It's all there, EXP, HP, GP and Uematsu-san's Ahead on our Way, still a breathtaking theme
    The Sprite Comic 8-Bit Theatre

    Cons
    The NES version looks dog and has some serious annoyances. Like your characters trying to attack thin air...
    OTHER sprite comics.
    As nails. Level grinding was just not fun.

    Final Fantasy II

    Ah yes, the inevitable sequel. Problem was, this game has one SERIOUS flaw, which marred an otherwise decent title. It's stat system was shite. Essentially, to make a stat better, you use it more. So, want to get stronger? Swing that sword baby! Want to be more accurate? Use that bow! Want to not get the shit kicked out of you? Get the shit kicked out of you anyway, what doesn't kill you can only make you stronger right? OK, I suppose it sounds logical on paper, but in practise... urgh. When I relented and gave the game a chance I spent at least 2 soli hours killing my own team just so they'd have enough HP to live! That said, the game is ok, the story is VERY dark (i believe a contributing factor in its lack of US release) with suporting characters getting killed left right and centre (some pretty nastily at that). Just seriously hampered by that LVL system

    Pros
    Your characters talk?! Wow, I thought Light Warriors had their voiceboxes altered at birth...
    Better graphics (NES didnt change MUCH, but the sprites looked prettier)
    Chocobos!!! ^_^ (fanboy drooling)

    Cons
    ARG THAT FUCKING LEVEL UP SYSTEM WAS SHIT!!! ARRRRRRRG!!!
    Still turn based, and still with those swings at midair!

    Final Fantasy III

    Ah, our last outing on the NES. This one was cool though. Not released outside of Japan (though it is due for a release on the DS, another reason for me to get one hehe) it was however far better than it's predecessors. Story was solid, and we got our first taste at a basic Job system. Essentially, your characters could change what they were good at. Don't wasnt him to be a knight? Make him a mage. Your party got no healer? He can be a white mage then. Ok it had some flaws, but it worked. And yes, I have played it. Not legally, but then noone this side of Russia has either. We're fanboys, we can do what we like!

    Pros
    Job system! Fwee!
    Again, better graphics, and a character sprite count through the roof.
    Those nice men at Squaresoft have another good story for you!

    Cons
    Still not out here. I want it dammit!
    Back to the static 4 member party. Bit more character variety would have been nice.
    Still NES. Urgh...

    Final Fantasy IV

    Ah finally they hit 16bit with the SNES! Well, in theory... the graphics are still a little less than groundbreaking, colours a little faded... and the main character is called Cecil?! Cecil the dark knight... oooooh SCARY!!! Ahem anyway, yeh so again, the story was good, all sorts of political upheaval and warfare overcome by friendship and love. Once again we're on a tale of 4 elemental crystals, but no matter. And we finally get our ATB system! Ah battles were never the same again! This one was again released in the US, and thankfully so, as it led to possibly the most INFAMOUS moment of engrish ever. Imagine the scene, an old man has witnessed the death of his daughter, and her ineffectual bard of a fiance did nothing to save her.In his rage, this old man, one of the most powerful spellcasters in the land, launches himself into a fight with said bard. In his rage, he shouts a breathtakingly harsh insult: "YOU SPOONY BARD!!!" And, no. I didn't make that up.

    Pros
    Huzzah! 16 bit!
    ATB!
    Spoony!
    Edge, coolest ninja until FFVI

    Cons
    I thought it was 16 bit...
    Cecil... snigger!

    Final Fantasy V
    16 bit is getting there! Again, this one suffers from a small few problems regarding character names (Bartz? Ugh) Still, this was THE game of 1993. Superb story, badly acted in places, with that AWESOME job system now fixed and the most versatile system before or so far since, and above all... Faris... mmm.... even if her real name IS Salsa... snigger... and you got Gilgamesh, the best comic relief character, cos not only was he dangerous, his battle theme was awesome. Better than Ultros anyday.

    Pros
    Faris...
    Job system! A knight that can summon! Oh yes oh yes!
    ATB!!!

    Cons
    Still pixels. Dated nowadays
    Bartz just left Boko in front of that cave!!! Heartless!

    Final Fantasy VI
    Ok, it's good Squaresoft adressed the whole 'only 4 characters' thing, but 14?!!! No way can anyone keep track of them. This one i found rather dull. Ok everyone else considers it a masterpeice, but i just couldnt follow it at all. too many characters too little time. But, they did finally have a female main character, who was cool at that. And they surpassed Edge's title of coolest FF ninja by including Shadow. Who rocked. And thy finally had a REALLY cool antagonist in Kefka, who loked like a clown laughed like a dog, but was shit scary cos he tore up the entire planet with worrying ease. And continued to do so.

    Pros
    Kefka
    Shadow ( not a fanboy)
    Dancing Mad, the final fight theme. Was woefully underappreciated, its a 12 minute long epic of musical genius. With organs! omfg!

    Cons
    Too long for my liking
    Too many sidequests/character stories. Hard tokeep up.
    DEPRESSING. Has everything from the end of the world to teen pregnancy to suicide to opera. Not a feel good game.

    Final Fantasy VII
    And here is where it all starts. For me my very first, the fourth released in the US (so it messed up the numbering considerably when they didn't call it FFIV) and the first released in old Blighty. I picked it up at the age of 11, and I last played it at 17. This game just was videogame story telling perfection. Ok the graphics are dated now, but the combat is fast, the story just the right side of depression, the characters brilliant, the women impossibly endowed, and like Kefka, we have the MOST AWESOME BAD GUY EVER!!! So awesome was the Sephy that when he appeared 10 years later in Advent Children there was a mass FF fanbase collective orgasm. And I was there with them. This dude was sex with a sword. Gothic, psychotic, sliced up one of your team before your eyes, and then you got to kill the bastard! Perfection.

    Pros
    Awesome story
    AWESOME antagonist
    Nice girls

    Cons
    Little dated now
    NOt much to do once you'd done it all 4 times.

    Final Fantasy VIII
    I have to admit that this was where my love for the raven haired look came from (see sarah fact 2). I mean come on, she is a sexy peice of polygon. Anyway, again sexy graphics (still prerendered ugh), pity about the lack of cool badguy. I mean, you dont even know she exists until the 3rd disc ( a long time). And the main character was an emo forerunner with commitment issues with anothe silly name. Squall. Ugh.

    Pros
    Graphics make these people FINALLY look human!
    Less swords and sorcery, more swords and large eff off tanks
    None too hard
    Junctioning was pretty fun

    Cons
    Squall. EMO
    Ashley has serious orgasms over this game. And he thinks it's better than VII. Twat.

    Final Fantasy IX

    Once again, thanks to the miracle of hi-res FMV we get to ogle another peice of polygonic perfection. With long hair, and without. (I prefer the latter). This one was pretty fun, even though many unfairly dismissed it from departing from the trend of scifi settings. The fantasy realm was pretty nice, harking back to the 'good ol' days' with the spoony comments and the pixels. We also had another cool villain, even if he was 'slightly' effeminate. By which i mean VERY. But again, that didn't prevent the man from tearing 1 planet in half (literally, i add) and pretty much completely nuking another before he died.

    Pros
    Graphics Superb
    Some good subplots/minigames. SKipping!

    Cons
    Brahne. Urgh....
    A little... psychadelic in places...

    Final Fantasy X
    Nearly there! Again, very hot and sexy if reserved eye candy abound. As you can tell the graphics are now sorted. Stellar story as well, though the voices were a little embarrassing, which took away from the usual poignancy of the story. Ah well, no shame. The effects were cool, the bad guy was enough of an arse to warrant the smashing of his face, the main character was an annoying fop, the music was splendid, the combat was sweet ( CBT! WHEE!!!) and the Aeons were AWESOME. And then they went and made a sequel... oh dear...

    Pros
    Best FF since VII
    Awesome in so many ways
    Lulu's physic defying dress

    Cons
    Voice acting.

    ---------------

    And i end there, cos the films, meh, and FFX-2 is a travesty that will hopefullly never be repeated. So roll on FFXII i say!

    Wow, this post is pretty long...
    'chard

    Playing: Final Fantasy V
    Reading: 84, Charing Cross Road
    Listening to: 'Dancing Mad' - Black Mages
    Annoyed with: My neck
    Mood: Serene
    Song currently stuck in head: 'forget about tomorrow'- Feeder
    Favourite Song of the Minute: 'Dancing Mad' - The Black Mages