...what?

From BBC News

Greetings cards passed around the office and signed for a colleague's birthday have been banned by a company in Bournemouth.

Alan and Thomas Ltd said they stopped the card signings, as jokes or comments about someone's age could be offensive under new age discrimination laws.

Just one simple question. What? Seriously, who actually came up with that idea?

Ok, lets set the record straight. I am ALL for Political Correctness Gone Mad (really, no joke...) but even this is too far. I bet even the Nazi's allowed inhouse greeting cards before paper rationing. You can just see Hilter opening his card from Eva 'n' the boys and reading "Heil Addy! So, made it to 40 then! Well, you know what they say! Life begins at 40 unless you're against der Ubermensch Ideal and thus are currently awaiting gassing in which case life ends Looong before then".

Now THAT'S insensitivity. Anyway, lets read on in the article:

The firm's boss, Julian Boughton, said they had taken legal advice.

Directors of the Bournemouth-based insurance brokers will instead send a card on behalf of all staff.

Well then there's no problem! They took LEGAL advice! I actually managed to get in touch with the lawyer Mr Boughton used for this advice, and after some quick introductions I perused all the credentials on the wall behind them, read one out to him and was asked "Want fries with that?".

On behalf of all staff though? Not too bad I guess, a little bit impersonal, but at least the feeling's still there, you still at least get one card on behalf of your colleagues and friends Right?

"Instead we have decided that the company will send a card to each staff member on their birthday, signed by the directors."

Oh well.

Now, in an unprecedented move (for me, I really am this bored) I decided to peruse the Act that they cite as the reason for this completely undraconian decision; The Employement Equality (Age) Regulations Act 2006 (only been in force 10 days you know!). Yes, I know, research! Don't worry im not THat mad...

So, lets have a look for any relevant passages...

Wow, I love legalese! Look at some of these definitions!

"1996 Act" means the Employment Rights Act 1996" (as opposed to any other act of 1996. Lest we forget!)
"Great Britain" includes such of the territorial waters of the United Kingdom as are adjacent to Great Britain;" (of course)
"school", in England and Wales, has the meaning given by section 4 of the Education Act 1996[5], and, in Scotland, has the meaning given by section 135(1) of the Education (Scotland) Act 1980[6], and references to a school are to an institution in so far as it is engaged in the provision of education under those sections; (fantastic! I'm gonna use that to answer people who as about school, Airplane style! 'School? What is it? Well it has the meaning given by section 4 of the Education Act 1996...but that's not important right now')

Ah, wait, here we go! The meat!

3. —(1) For the purposes of these Regulations, a person ("A") discriminates against another person ("B") if—

(a) on grounds of B's age, A treats B less favourably than he treats or would treat other persons, or

(b) A applies to B a provision, criterion or practice which he applies or would apply equally to persons not of the same age group as B, but—

(i) which puts or would put persons of the same age group as B at a particular disadvantage when compared with other persons, and

(ii) which puts B at that disadvantage,

and A cannot show the treatment or, as the case may be, provision, criterion or practice to be a proportionate means of achieving a legitimate aim.

Put simply: "If you treat him bad cos of his age then you're discriminating". Easy. Ooh, section 5 has a kickass title! " Instructions to discriminate". Awesome! They even tell you how to do it!

Ok, so we got the definition of "Age discrimination" sorted. One problem. The rest of the bill says just (in a nutshell):
Do not discriminate on grounds of age during interviews, hiring, training, firing, pension etc etc and nothing specifically saying "BITRHDAY CRDS R T£H BAD LOLZ!!!" (damn legalese..).

But maybe I'm missing this little gem, in section 6, harrasment on grounds of age: For the purposes of these Regulations, a person ("A") subjects another person ("B") to harassment where, on grounds of age, A engages in unwanted conduct which has the purpose or effect of— (a) violating B's dignity; or (b) creating an intimidating, hostile, degrading, humiliating or offensive environment for B.

Ah there we go! Of course, making a jokey comment about someones age in a birthday card will of course contravene Section 6 Subsection (b) (is that right?). Cos, you know, if someone gave me a card with this (http://www.pbfcomics.com/archive/0PBF22048BC-Today_is_my_Birthday.gif) on it I too would feel intimidated/hostile/degraded/humiliated and/or offended.

Still, the news report does end with the boss of the company lightening with the jokey conclusion: " "We certainly still encourage the practice of buying cakes!""

Erm. Actually, no. Candles would break health and safety regulations for one thing. Also, what about allergies? NUTS MAN! And after all, there might be chocolate in that cake. And we all know that it coudl be dark chocolate, and you know who ate dark chocolate? HITLER THAT'S WHO! And not to mention DARK chocolate carries connotations of RACISM! RACIST! And whats that? There are numbers? In icing? NUMBERS SHOW AGE/AGE IS AGIST YOU FACIST!!

So, in light of this post I move to declare that ALL birthdays be banned in the professional sphere. Its discrimiatory against those who don't have birthdays. It'll make them feel like outsiders, pressuring their lack of popularity cos THEY didnt get a card/cake/present. Oh yeh presents! Who knows WHO could package a parcel bomb in wrapping paper these days?!

BAN BIRTHDAYS!!! JOIN TEH CAUSSE! ANTI-AGISM FTW!

Activistchard

Playing: Final Fantasy V
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Listening to: 'Transparent' - Spineshank
Annoyed with: My aching muscles
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