March 27, 2007

The Police Federation Idiots Guide to Changing your Clock

As we all should be aware, the clocks went forward on Sunday. But what does that actually mean? As Wikipedia so sexually puts it:
Daylight saving time (DST), or summer time in British English, is the convention of advancing clocks so that afternoons have more daylight and mornings have less
So, that makes sense no? It essentially means we end up with the maximum amount of sun during the day as possible, for reasons such as conserving energy, improving driving visibility etc. It even meant that for the first time, I walked to a Tuesday rehearsal at t62 in daylight! Magic!

However, some people do find 1 problem with the whole thing. And that problem is the physical changing of our analogue clocks. Nowadays our computers and digital clocks are sophistamacated enough to change themselves in accordance with the rules of DST. But those pesky ol' school ones just sit there, incorrect, for a good 6 months unless we do it ourselves.

So, Monday morning at the Police Federation. There I am doing my usual routine of cleaning up and restocking, waiting for Paul to arrive and give me any specific jobs I have to do. And he does, and he does. One of which is to go around all the offices and change their clocks. Depending on how well you know me (and let's face it, you're reading this aren't you?) you can imagine the incredulity which I generated upon hearing this innocuous request. Suffice it to say, the phrase "Can they not do it themselves?" was repeated with increased amusement. My colourful language and rantings went unnoticed however and I grabbed me my stepladder and set off. Besides anything, it was a good way to kill time (pun oh so intended) and killing time equals less boredom.

The Print room, gawblessem, were saints and had, in fact, changed all 3 clocks themselves. Even mum, with her back managed it (Hi mum!). To sum up, there were about 30 clocks I managed to find. 5 of which had been changed by their respective owners, leaving me to advance PolFed forward in time little over an entire day. So, with Tuesday now in full swing, I was left to rant and plan this post.

Now, obviously there were forgivenesses for those who couldn't reach their clocks (some were, after all, pretty high), or admitted to having forgotten about the change (although that just made me wonder how they were on time that morning). However, I still was of the opinion that it was just in these people's interest for their clocks to be changed as soon as possible, and therefore, if noone else had done it, for them to do it themselves. I mean, the clock is wrong, you want it to be right for work and general timekeeping purposes, so you change it. That just seemed to make logical sense in my head. They didn't really need me (or Paul) to do it for them, especially since it meant my restocking duties were cancelled (leaving one employee to repeatedly harangue us about a lack of stock in one toilet). You know why there wasn't any? Cos I was changing your clock!. It took me some serious restraint to not launch into my soapbox routine, therefore, when one person whose clock was in easy reach said to me: "Oh thank you, I was just about to phone Paul because they weren't done". Really? So you have time to stop everything you're doing and track us down to complain about your clock not being changed, but you don't have any way to take the time out to change your own clock? (which would be much quicker, I checked).

Then, at lunch time it hit me. It was obvious. These people were leaving me to do it, not because they couldn't be bothered, or they were too busy or anything. It was simple; they weren't changing their clocks because they didn't know how!

In answer to this we here at Chard Satire in partnership with Bleeding Obvious Ltd. provide you at the Polfed, and indeed anyone else with this problem, with:

How to Change your Clock
(Not to be confused with How to Replace your Clock, which can be found here)

Welcome to CS and BO Ltd (not affiliated with AntiAntiPerspirant.com)'s guide to changing your clock. This is a simple and fun task you and your whole family can enjoy! Why not even deliberately set your clock wrong and see if your kids can change it to the write time! Fundutational! In this step by step guide, you will be easily coached right from the very beginning, so soon even the most infectiously moronic of you will be able to go from this to this! Let's begin!

1. First of all, we must identify the common household wall clock. You may know how to do this in which case feel free to skip this step, but I feel that even the best of us need a little reminder from time to time!
Your simple clock is simple to identify if you simply follow this simple checklist. Simply. Most clocks:
  • Are on the wall
  • Have a (generally) circular shape, the front of which (the bit you look at) is called the face
  • There are sticks moving around it. These are called hands.
  • Have 12 equal partitions. These are the hours. These may be divided up into minutes. (this information is void if you haven't learnt to tell the time yet. Ask your mum. Or Human Resources, who may or may not be patronising enough)
2. Now, let's see if we can find a clock using these rules.

DSCF6952
This is not a clock. It is not on the wall, it is not circular, and there is a complete lack of the moving sticks.
DSCF6950
This is a little better. It is however, a lightswitch. While it is on the wall, it matches no other rule.
DSCF6949
A picture. Very close though! Maybe you should concentrate on searching for rules 2 and 3.
DSCF6948
While this does have a face and hands, it is not on the wall. Nice try though.
DSCF6944
Ah yes! Now this is a clock!

3. Now we have found our clock, we must look at how to change it. Take it off the wall, and look at the back
DSCF6945
You will see there is a battery pack and motor.

4.If there is no battery go and get one.

5. You will also see there is a little dial (the circular bit). This can turn to move the hands faster, allowing for the change of the time. Give it a go!
DSCF6946

6. And here you see the finished clock, the time set forward an hour!
DSCF6947

7. Try it yourself!

And there you have it PolFed. Now, in the autumn, maybe you can take some time out of your usual "bitch about relationships" and "discuss the news" times and change your clocks yourself.

Finished FFXII. Started it again. I'm getting that Zodiac Spear. +150 ATK and +5 EVA with Critical hits? Thankyouverymuch.

Playing: Fainaru Fantajī Tuerubu
Reading:
Fainaru Fantajī Tuerubu Walkthrough
Listening to: 'Gothic Kabbalah' - Therion
Annoyed with: Clocks.
Mood: Awesome
Song currently stuck in head: '
The Royal City Of Rabanastre - Town Ward Upper Stratum' - Hitoshi Sakimoto
Favourite Song of the Minute: 'Hell and Consequences' - Stone Sour

March 15, 2007

LVI

With the addition of:
  1. Least I Could Do (Sex sex sex and humour)
  2. +EV (Poker humour. Who knew?)
  3. Planet Karen (The diary of a Nemi alike living in Bristol)
  4. Questionable Content (S*P, but more indie and less mean spirited)
  5. Crimson Dark (Joss Whedon's Firefly in webcomic form)
  6. Punch 'n Pie (Pint sized sequel to Queen of Wands)
  7. The Broken Mirror (DESPRESSING. Do not read if easily disturbed...)
I have broken the 50 mark for regularly read webcomics. Go me. Links to the side.

Life in sentences!

'Nine Destinies and a Downfall' by Sirenia is a good album.
As is 'The Heart of Everything' by Within Temptation.
Interrobang is the best name for a piece of punctuation ever.
Tittle is second.
Doing your own laundry on a whim with no obligation is amazingly surreal
Waking up at 930 after License grinding until 3am is just ridiculous
God himself invented Spaghetti hoops.
Marmite Sandwiches are so in
FFXII is stealing my free time
So is Facebook
Noone is on MSN
Noone is talking to me
The Google search suggestion thing in Firefox never ceases to amaze me
Death Wish is the perfect end to a man's night in
I am feeling happy.

chard

March 08, 2007

PolFed is full of crap

No, I'm not being Paulish and disparaging my place of employment. 'tis in fact a most marvellous place. BUt I'll get to the reason of the title later. Kinda like how they have the film after all those trailers. The old philosophy of 'if the line's this long it's got to be good'. So, how long can I make this line?

So, Final Fantasy XII! (3 hour wait from this point...) Ah yes my lovelies, my raisin d'etre, my magnum opus, my Stairway to Heaven, my Return of the King. Well, sort of. Not so much the last 3. OR any of them. But, it is pretty darn sweet. It is however, fecking rock hard, to the point where I've been in danger of waking my parents in the wee hours (not ALWAYS before work of course) with my screams of "FRAN USE CURAGA YOU STUPID WOMAN" or my personal favourite "VAAN YOU CHISLED MONEYMAN, YOUVE GOT A CROSSBOW, YOU DON'T NEED STAND TOE TO TOE WITH A FECKING DRAGON!!!". Which he does. All the fecking time. Ah well, Balthier has Raise gambitted. He usually uses it in time...

But yes, it's certainly different. Lots of not doing much, lots of grinding for a bare pittance of Gil. But, it's all compensated with everything games should have: great graphics, good gameplay, and Fran's older sister. Who. Is. HOT. CAn't find a pic, but still. 'Tsmoking', as Fran would lisp.

84 Charing Cross Road Rehearsals have started! Ah yes indeed, the days I've been longing for since Cinderella ended (all of... 3 months ago? That can't be right... no, no that's right... huh...) have reared their heads, and already my script is adorned with my usual scrawl in the margins detailing exactly HOW I should come in, take an invoice off Amy/Megan, and walk out again 6 seconds later. And these annotations are of course very useful, especially the one for my entrance on page 25 which reads somewhat neutrally "Apparantly I should have books here...". Still, the cast all seem like good people (I say seem, they may yet turn out to be evil...) and Bill isn't even nearly as Eveil as Eve was, so things seem hopeful! I even seem to have my old ASM hanging around again, making some excuse about props to explain her hanging around t62 permanently. Nah I kid, she's lovely is our Ellyroo, even if she did give me a severe beating on Tuesday. Actually, I have a massive bruise on my knee, was that you? Rehearsal in an hour as well...

So yes, your good friend chard is indeed now in gainful employ! For moneys! You know how amazing that is?! I don't actually get paid until monday, but still, it's a nice thought. £6 an hour, 9-4 ish Tuesday's and Thursdays (though I seem to be doing a lot of Fridays as well). And what exactly are the Police Federation of England and Wales having me do for this allowance?
  • Refilling Toilet Roll Holders
  • Reflling Hand Towel things
  • Refilling liquid soap things
  • Hulking around large sacks of paper (which shreds your hands up no end)
  • Refilling water coolers (bottles at 18.5kg a go, up stairs? Not to be sniffed at)
  • Making sure people have the things so they can refill their own damn coffee
  • Anything Harry can find, filing, moving paper/deliveries etc etc
  • Drinking tea
However, today I had to do something I had been putting off for a few days (Paul me boss commented on this fact when they overflowed on Tuesday, so I wasn't getting away from it today) and something that, if you hadn't guessed, is what inspired the lovely title. Cos, lovely a place as it is, PolFed really IS. So, what was it i was doing? (Some of you have no doubt ventured guesses at this point, so I'm sure you're sitting there either laughing hysterically, or looking quite concerned, or not doing any work you should be doing on the pretext of getting your coffee drunk this morning. Hello mum.)

DSC00636

Yup! Little me was clearing out the drains of gunk and water! Now, let me make it clear. Paul ASSURED me that there wasn't anything... 'unhygienic' in there, just a lot of water and vegetation and the like from the trees. I would like to ASSURE you that I think he was telling the truth. But, oh god it stank. It stank so bad, I'm not even sure his assurances had any wieght whatsoever. I mean, come on...
DSC00637

...your guess is as good as mine... Actually, I tihnk my face says it all:

DSC00635

Don't I look happy?!!!!!!!!!!

Paul has actually developed the habit of being in Leatherhead pretty much once everyday since I've been there, pretty much leaving me to fend for myself and use 'nitiative (it builds character). This does however tend to backfire, as today illustrated: he left a list of things to do (including the drains, and also dismantling a fan and cleaning it) to leave me occupied until lunch. I was pretty much done by the 10.30 break. But ah well, it's not harm done. Gives me time to double check, think of other things to do, learn where everything is in this labyrinthine complex, and otherwise think of more ingenious ways of wasting time. In fact, this kind of culminated today, when I got bored with some stationary and decided to be creative:

DSC00639

I present Chards image of Man, sculpted lovingly from 2 bulldog clips and a stapler remover! Of course, bulldog clips got me thinking of man's best friend, so I decided to invest in a delicious pun:

DSC00640

Meet Bulldog Clip Man's Bulldog Clip bulldog, Clip! (try saying that 3 times fast underwater while makin love to a snail!) I even gav him a lead so he could be taken for walks across verdant green files

DSC00641

Trevilla at this point gave me a look that pretty much told me I was being silly, so I desisted.

A big shout out to Mah Print Room area homies, Harry, Shirley, Steve, Margeret (when she appears) Mum, Trevilla and Paul!

And that's me caught up! (oh no wait, i also got into kent, silly me!). Will no doubt post again in a month. Got to go eat now and then go rehearse, see ya'll later, and for a parting gift have some song lyrics!

This Flesh a Tomb
Atreyu

I feel eyelashes on my cheek
They lacerate my flesh,
A pain so good.
So put your hand in mine, never let go,
Never wake up ‘cause I’m done with promises
I’m taking blood oaths.
Feels like you could kiss
My imperfections, my imperfections away.
And I would stand, stand by your side
Until the sun turns the sky
All the colors I see in your eyes.

And I’ll never need to see the sun again,
There’s enough light in your eyes to light up our little world.
So take me, take me away.
Kill me slowly, I’ll never be the same.

And I swear to you, on everything I am,
And I dedicate to you all that I have
And I promise you that I’ll stand right by your side
Forever and always until the day I die.
The bite marks on my neck never felt so good.
I’m losing control
And it’s all that I can do not to blackout
Fall into lust with you.
Your kisses infect me.
The dark gift is loving you,

And I’ll never need to see the sun again,
There’s enough light in your eyes to light up our little world.
So take me, take me away.
Kill me slowly, I’ll never be the same.

And I feel immortal
And I want to make you feel the same.
So stand by me as we immolate.
We can burn in each other’s arms.
And I feel immortal
And I want to make you feel the same.
So stand by me as we immolate.
We can burn in each other’s arms.

Night night!
Chard

Playing: Fainaru Fantajī Twelve
Reading: Kent booklets
Listening to: 'Trial by Fire' - Blind Guardian
Annoyed with: Hunger
Mood: Knackered
Song currently stuck in head: 'This Flesh a Tomb' - Atreyu
Favourite Song of the Minute: 'Tuna 1613' - Therion