The Police Federation Idiots Guide to Changing your Clock

As we all should be aware, the clocks went forward on Sunday. But what does that actually mean? As Wikipedia so sexually puts it:

Daylight saving time (DST), or summer time in British English, is the convention of advancing clocks so that afternoons have more daylight and mornings have less

So, that makes sense no? It essentially means we end up with the maximum amount of sun during the day as possible, for reasons such as conserving energy, improving driving visibility etc. It even meant that for the first time, I walked to a Tuesday rehearsal at t62 in daylight! Magic!

However, some people do find 1 problem with the whole thing. And that problem is the physical changing of our analogue clocks. Nowadays our computers and digital clocks are sophistamacated enough to change themselves in accordance with the rules of DST. But those pesky ol' school ones just sit there, incorrect, for a good 6 months unless we do it ourselves.

So, Monday morning at the Police Federation. There I am doing my usual routine of cleaning up and restocking, waiting for Paul to arrive and give me any specific jobs I have to do. And he does, and he does. One of which is to go around all the offices and change their clocks. Depending on how well you know me (and let's face it, you're reading this aren't you?) you can imagine the incredulity which I generated upon hearing this innocuous request. Suffice it to say, the phrase "Can they not do it themselves?" was repeated with increased amusement. My colourful language and rantings went unnoticed however and I grabbed me my stepladder and set off. Besides anything, it was a good way to kill time (pun oh so intended) and killing time equals less boredom.

The Print room, gawblessem, were saints and had, in fact, changed all 3 clocks themselves. Even mum, with her back managed it (Hi mum!). To sum up, there were about 30 clocks I managed to find. 5 of which had been changed by their respective owners, leaving me to advance PolFed forward in time little over an entire day. So, with Tuesday now in full swing, I was left to rant and plan this post.

Now, obviously there were forgivenesses for those who couldn't reach their clocks (some were, after all, pretty high), or admitted to having forgotten about the change (although that just made me wonder how they were on time that morning). However, I still was of the opinion that it was just in these people's interest for their clocks to be changed as soon as possible, and therefore, if noone else had done it, for them to do it themselves. I mean, the clock is wrong, you want it to be right for work and general timekeeping purposes, so you change it. That just seemed to make logical sense in my head. They didn't really need me (or Paul) to do it for them, especially since it meant my restocking duties were cancelled (leaving one employee to repeatedly harangue us about a lack of stock in one toilet). You know why there wasn't any? Cos I was changing your clock!. It took me some serious restraint to not launch into my soapbox routine, therefore, when one person whose clock was in easy reach said to me: "Oh thank you, I was just about to phone Paul because they weren't done". Really? So you have time to stop everything you're doing and track us down to complain about your clock not being changed, but you don't have any way to take the time out to change your own clock? (which would be much quicker, I checked).

Then, at lunch time it hit me. It was obvious. These people were leaving me to do it, not because they couldn't be bothered, or they were too busy or anything. It was simple; they weren't changing their clocks because they didn't know how!

In answer to this we here at Chard Satire in partnership with Bleeding Obvious Ltd. provide you at the Polfed, and indeed anyone else with this problem, with:

How to Change your Clock
(Not to be confused with How to Replace your Clock, which can be found here)

Welcome to CS and BO Ltd (not affiliated with AntiAntiPerspirant.com)'s guide to changing your clock. This is a simple and fun task you and your whole family can enjoy! Why not even deliberately set your clock wrong and see if your kids can change it to the write time! Fundutational! In this step by step guide, you will be easily coached right from the very beginning, so soon even the most infectiously moronic of you will be able to go from this to this! Let's begin!

1. First of all, we must identify the common household wall clock. You may know how to do this in which case feel free to skip this step, but I feel that even the best of us need a little reminder from time to time!
Your simple clock is simple to identify if you simply follow this simple checklist. Simply. Most clocks:

• Are on the wall
• Have a (generally) circular shape, the front of which (the bit you look at) is called the face
• There are sticks moving around it. These are called hands.
• Have 12 equal partitions. These are the hours. These may be divided up into minutes. (this information is void if you haven't learnt to tell the time yet. Ask your mum. Or Human Resources, who may or may not be patronising enough)

2. Now, let's see if we can find a clock using these rules.


This is not a clock. It is not on the wall, it is not circular, and there is a complete lack of the moving sticks.

This is a little better. It is however, a lightswitch. While it is on the wall, it matches no other rule.

A picture. Very close though! Maybe you should concentrate on searching for rules 2 and 3.

While this does have a face and hands, it is not on the wall. Nice try though.

Ah yes! Now this is a clock!

3. Now we have found our clock, we must look at how to change it. Take it off the wall, and look at the back

You will see there is a battery pack and motor.

4.If there is no battery go and get one.

5. You will also see there is a little dial (the circular bit). This can turn to move the hands faster, allowing for the change of the time. Give it a go!


6. And here you see the finished clock, the time set forward an hour!


7. Try it yourself!

And there you have it PolFed. Now, in the autumn, maybe you can take some time out of your usual "bitch about relationships" and "discuss the news" times and change your clocks yourself.

Finished FFXII. Started it again. I'm getting that Zodiac Spear. +150 ATK and +5 EVA with Critical hits? Thankyouverymuch.

Playing: Fainaru Fantajī Tuerubu
Reading: Fainaru Fantajī Tuerubu Walkthrough
Listening to: 'Gothic Kabbalah' - Therion
Annoyed with: Clocks.
Mood: Awesome
Song currently stuck in head: 'The Royal City Of Rabanastre - Town Ward Upper Stratum' - Hitoshi Sakimoto
Favourite Song of the Minute: 'Hell and Consequences' - Stone Sour