Quentin Tarantino's...
'Dickyblog'

(Disclaimer: Those of you who are not familiar with Taratino's cinematic conventions may not get this. I will attempt to post about the last five days in a Tarantino-film style. Expect flashbacks, chapter headings, a pointless yet genious opening scene where i have a conversation about nothing in particular, just to establish character before i get on with the story, and also one heck of a soundtrack (£14.99, EMI Records) Enjoy, and don't judge too harshly.)


You know, I went into a McDonalds last wednesday, and there was this girl in a yellow jumpsuit with a black stripe down one side, with a veil on her head and really white hair. Now, i dont know what the hell she was doing, but her date was wearing this sharp business suit, and he was looking at me with this really strange look. So i go over to him, and say "Mate, what you looking at?" and he then immediately plugs speakers into his Mp3 player, pushes me into a chair, and starts dancing around me, waving a razor around whilst playing 'Stuck in the middle with you'.

Next thing i know, this skin head, who looked just like Bruce Willis comes in, stands there with this machine gun and points it at the suit dude. Everything goes dead quiet, except for two people in the corner (one had red hair, the other looked uncannily similar to Tim Roth) talking about a bank, a phone and calling the waitress 'Garcon'. Then, in the kitchen, someones toaster finishes, theres this really loud ping as the toast finishes, and at the same instant, Brucey boy starts shooting Suitman, so much so that he gives a little squeak and staggers into the toilet.

Then 'Tim Roth' and Red Haired Girl jump on the table and demand that "Everyone be cool, this is a robbery." Then, the Bride With White Hair picks up a sword and starts hacking, slicing, pulling eyes out and just being generally cool (hard to see though, everything went black and white for some reason). Then, with everyone dead, i pick up someones suitcase and open it, only to see what was actualy in the damn thing...

...two packets of crisps and a banana. Mr Marsellus obviously forgot his lunch. I walked out in slowmo, the theme to Reservoir Puppies playing on the jukebox, me humming 'Like a Virgin', while i walk past some evangelist reciting Ezekiel 25:17...

All right, lets get to the post

[Cue theme tune – ‘Kill Chill’ by Stompp]

BodFilms Studios present…

Starring Richard Stewart

‘DickyBlog’

Soundtrack by Stompp (http://www.soundclick.com/bands/8/stomppmusic.htm)

Directed by Quentin Tarantino

[End theme]

Chapter 1 : Dramatic Fury

Today was my usual Thursday. A starting subject of Drama (good subject) was began with us waiting for Miss P to get back from arguing with the caretakers. While we waited, Sean and Doug had great fun flicking a penny across the room at each other, with animated spectatorship from the rest of the group. We then were told that we were going to be working with ANGER! Rarg and all that. We lay on the floor and were told to recall a memory that made us feel angry, thinking of the physical and mental aspects of how it made us feel. We then were told to take that feeling of anger into a scene, thus (hopefully) providing a more realistic portrayal of anger.

So, in true drama tradition, we paired up and began to think of a situation. I, through no fault of my own was paired with Danielle, a girl who is very quiet (got an A* in drama though, grr!) and very mouselike. It was going to be interesting shouting at her. Our situation went along the lines of: daughter tries to sneak home late from a friends house and is caught by father (me, obviously) who is obviously fuming. So, a lot of shouting later, we’ve come up with a reasonable scene (even the talking we had to shout. 6 pairs of teens shouting at each other was an experience…)

Then Claire and Marine (what a name) had to show their scene to the group. There’s was similar, in that it was a parent/child relationship. It seems the mother had heard from her friend of her daughter’s exploits with her boyfriend from her friends, and was not best pleased. The scene was good, in that it was believable, but they both turned away from each other at exactly the same time. It just seemed too choreographed, and created a lull in the atmosphere.

Then it was the turn of Alex and Doug. Another parent/child argument scene, about homework this time. This was better, even if Alex’s portrayal of a Dad was a little easily angered. Then, (surprise, surprise) t’was the turn of Danielle and the me. I didn’t feel so good about it to begin with, but by the end I was almost shaking with anger (and suppressed laughter, this damn brath gives me a lithp) and when she defiantly looked at her dad and said “Or what?” I just glared at her. I’m not sure whether it was a little fairy on my left shoulder or Miss P that then said “Slap her Rich!” but my reply was “I was going to!” Ah the hilarity! Still, that was over, and it was time for second period.

Chapter 2 : Adieu and a Christian

On Friday evening Sarah came round. After some time of mild pleasantries we departed for Bromley, where we were guests (along with me brother) of my friends the Greenhougan’s (pseudonym). The son of this clan was departing for university on the Sunday, so as such was having a leaving ‘do’ for all those in 14+ (Yoof Groop) plus Sarah, who tagged along with me. That was probably a mistake though.

As we all know, females (and snakes) were responsible for Original Sin, yet Sarah (X- chromosome, female - EVIL!!) was of course, no exception, for a very simple reason…

She managed to get me… (brace yourselves Duds…) MILDLY DRUNK!!!

Yes, I know, I am not worthy to lick your boots, I have transgressed, forgive me for my sins! She was plying me with alcohol all night, and me, weak to pretty faces (unless they’re chavlings) was powerless to resist.

The evening proper consisted of just general chilling, talking, listening to music and drinking. LOTS of drinking. And talking, there was a lot of that. Mainly shouts for me and Sarah to ‘get a room’. Still, a fun evening overall, punctuated on the way home by seeing Jacob Lifely (the cretin) stumble drunk past us. That was fun!

Of course, it being 1 in the morning, Sarah was unable to get home, so she slept on the sofa (hush, you dirty minded individuals).

END OF VOLUME 1
[Cue the 5,6,7,8’s]