"Fire on the Ranch, boys!!!"

And so my friends, the time is upon us. An era is finally at an end, as we can all finally wave "So long far thee well, pip pip, cheerio" (name that musical) to the time of the Autumn half term.Yes, after only 14 of them, a total of between 14-28 weeks, we will never again have an Autumn halfterm. Makes one weep almost no?

Still, thankfully mine was rather eventful at least. On the Saturday Sa was around until some time that I can't rembemember that was certainly after 12 since i never wake up before then but was all fun wonderful and for the most part cool. Sunday played host to some luncheon activities involving company and all, which was marvellous since the food was slightly better (and certainly more plentiful) which more than made up for the fact i somehow lost half the rest of day.

Monday was where it all picked up. After a quick sojourn in the Stomppmobile to the abode of Stompp ( also home to Stompp Music INK) and DESTRUCTOR FISH (C), i went to see my good friend Stamp. Or Stompp. I forget his name. Anyhoo, after a much belated joke session and the arrival of Stompp's crumpets, we ventured upstairs and engaged in that wholesome pasttime most often described in popular literary circles as Halo Co-op. Starting at 343 Guilty Spark, I got a slight shock realising that I was dying slightly less than I usually do on Heroic. Anyway, after the fun and flood that contained, we tackled the Library, which was much more of the varity "Oops, I'm dead again" variety, with accompanying "AGH oh god oh god they're coming out of the goddamn walls run come on Rick respawn respawn RESPAAaaaaargh..." sounds from Stompp. Oh and that was VERY frequent (till Stompp shot at the Sentinels. Silly man.) Once we got to Two Betrayals though we seemed to have reached the trough of our tolerance and decided to start killing each other and falling long distances for amusement's sake. Then some quick Father Ted ("But Ted, what about your sermons? People listen to you then." "Ah no Dougal, I mean people I respect.") and home times.
NOTE: At this point NTL went flurghulwelg and so I gained a week between the above paragraph and this one. Enjoy.
Tuesday was the day I braved the wonders of South Croydon in order to get my teeth poked. I enlisted the company of young Ed and off we set to the stop where buses do just that. After waiting a silly amount of time for the appropriate bus, we set off with punctuated calls of "I am sooo late...". We got there, to find i was infact about 2 hours early. Piss. Still the man came and poked about a bit, then oitlined all the needlessly complicated and painful things he wanted to do to me, and I left, got on the bus with Ed again and set off for Bromley South. After admiration of the Elves in GW, we walked around the shops for a moderate amount of time, then got back on the bus to home. Once there, I got mum and jetted BACK to Bromley to find that woman who's cross is brown, and came home, allowing her to kick my arse on SCII for the rest of the evening.

Wednesday was almost totally spent in the company of the Browncross, though I can't remember much of the details (it has been a week, go with it) but it was all well fun happy and loving until

Thursday. Dave turned up at my house and we all (sarah included) went off to the station where we met the Oakner that is Dan. After the usual acquisition of patrons (and the loss of sarah :'() we made it to the Vue in Purley for that animated film and funnyfest that is Wallace and Gromit. Oh and hilarity was abound! A very very very very very very dirty film however... not one to be watched if your mind is less than pure. So i giggled at that, and the company left to find Emmie sitting outside. Well, to each their own. We all piled back onto public transport and made our own way homes, which made the day complete and replenished.

Friday. What did i do on friday... oh yes, I decided to be ironic about calling Emmie late yesterday by turning up to her abode slightly under 2 hours late. Ah well. Still, we spent some amounts of time chatting and pianising and genrally doing nothing to better the rest of the human race, when i got a call on the telephonic communication device. As it appeared, twas Dave, and after bidding a fond farewell to the Clapham I raced home and then out to the Staines domain, where we had a huge amount of giggles over Wife Swap, attempted a very interesting imporovisation on the Tequila Slammer (involving Whiskey and Skittles) and enjoyed the fun of Ong-Bak's fights. Also got hysterically hungover, to the extent that I had a demonic stomach all the way to next wednesday.

Saturday I braved the perils of the exterior of the M25 to travel to Ocksthord. After some sleep and some gigleswiththe blokenet to me I got to my destination, and went shopping with the sa. After a long walk we got back to her place (careful) and did some baking before leaving to a parté! Twas her friend Fran's (or, to put it in the phrasing of Peter Serafinowicz, "Frrrrrrrrrrrran?!") party, and we entered to the strains of that wholesome drinking game "I have never". I learned too much about her friends that night... still was all well and good, and me and Sarah eventually staggered back to her house, before I left on the Sunday. A fun fun trip

Monday. Schooled again. Lovely. Nothing of note really happened in school, except Tuesday when my internet fooked up, meaning I've had to spend most of today catching up on EVERYTHING (and still not finished). On thursday I was greeted in the Concourse by Ed Sumption (and that was scary) who had popped in for a genial hello. Grazy and crazy.

Saturday (yesterday) was spent attempting the feat to watch all 6 Star Wars Films back to back. It was hard, and VERY VERY long. Though, with the little book to help us along, we saw some quite interesting things that I'd never noticed before:

1. ET's in the Galactic Senate
2. TIE Fighters in Coruscant
3. The Stormtrooper blasters eject spent casings
4. The Stormtrooper hitting his head on the door of the Death Star
5. Oola (Jabba's dancer) falling into the Rancor pit with her right breast exposed

Intersting no? Unfortunately Sarah came after the 20 minute mark of Return of the Jedi, so I had to pull out at the 12 hour and 40 minutes. Still, it was a very very fun event, and kudos to Rob for the invite and seriously cool amounts of stops being pulled out regarding the presentation (gotta love the itinerary).

Came home today, dragging Sarah along with me and we spent most of the day messing around on SCII and EyeToy before her mum came and took her back home. Then I came on here, and finished this much belated post. Now to catch up on the rest of my links.

And remember...

DARTH CHARD IS WATCHING YOU

Night guys :)

The Simple Life

I know I was meant to continue the post under this one, but you see my friends, I was on a wierd wonderful and altogether very w filled journey! I shall relate:

So there I was, the quiet happy and sexually promiscuous giant of a person you all know and love; sitting down of a Sunday evening to enjoy a quiet relazing game session on the 2nd Station on which Play is allowed.

Suddenly, the screen flashed a brilliant white, the swirling pixels blinding me to the extent i raised my arm to shield the intense light... when my sight returned, i was in:

A disco?! I began to wonder what strange things had happened; here i was, still loking as devilishly sexy as ever, even in the trademark hoody.. but now i was but a pawn in someones sick Godlike fantasy; made of nothing but polygons, models, textures and AI, for some reason a giant green diamond above my head, and a blue shaft of light dictating my every move. I looked across the room as i heard a voice calling to me. Somehow i kne her name asCandi.. and the blue shaft called out its instruction... and i had to obey...

It felt somewhat disturbing... well, she seemed to enjoy it, and saw fit to tell me so

All those people who tell you its insane to fantasise about pixels are very very right... dont... any way, the bad god (or Gad as i then dubbed him) seemed to control the very world, not just the inhabitants, as suddenly the walls and pounding techno music of the disco became...

My mums house?! At least we could have long discussions about cutlery again. Such pleasantaries were not to last however, as she gave me a list of things to get done:

Get a job? Well, she has been telling me to for ages. Deciding to suck in my dignity (and lethargy) I went outside and consulted the local rag. As it turned out, there was an oppertunity that was PERFECT! Allthose who say drama is a waste, read and weep:

100? Nice one! However, my job was a little too far away, and I'd have to move somewhere closer. It was a heart breaking moment, but one that Gad seemed to see fit to set me on immediatly

So, i hit the open road, to a place recommended to me by Gad (who i was starting to trust less and less)

As it turned out, this was the place of Miss Mimi Landgrabb, who having heard of my arrival was awaiting me at the door.

I swiflty checked the list of things to do for the day; better to get an early start no?

Well, Mimi did seem quite cool, and we were now living together. What harm could there be? As it tunred out, i was needed straight away: her coffee machine was broken. So, i gave it my best shot...

...until Gad decided i should read up on the subject first

So there we go. Also began the arduous commute to work each morning. The bus was ok, but far too crowded

After a few days things were starting to look up. The week started with the news I had been promoted!

With the extra cash in hand, I decided to trade in my old scooter; poor thing was definitely past its peak. So, i took it along to the local dealers, and was amazed with what they gave me!

Travelling in style these days! Things were good with Mimi as well. She was very much the creative and arty type, and even sold some of her works locally, which helped pay the bills

Socially we got on like a virtual house on fire! As well as the dinnertime interaction

there was alwas time for a little bit of relaxation

and a little boogying! (Picard song, naturlich)


However, something didn't seem right. Mimi was fun and all, but was invariably out a lot of the time. The long hours spent with her out of the house ate away at me for some reason I coulnd't fathom; seeing her brightened my virtual day, and even the constant oppression of Gad couldnt get me down. One evening, a full week after the incident at the disco, I took Mimi aside into the living room, and poured out all my feelings for her. Real or not, she was a wonderful person who I never wanted to lose, no matter what. She just sat there for a second, taking it in, until she replied in kind...

..and we shared our very first kiss!


ut then, I could feel an all too familiar light flaring in my eyes, and even as i looked at her Mimi seemed to melt away.. and then...

I was back in my room.

It was a wierd and wonderful experience I had under the control of Gad, but I am very glad to be free. Until I look back at my TV, and think of Mimi, wondering where she is, whether she's ok. She'd probably be at the club right now with all her friends, or arguing with her dad about the rent. Does she ever think of me? Or was I the only one in that world who could think? Wherever she is...

...I miss her...

Descent into the Burrow

Yes indeed, Sunday was the time for our initial strike. Months in the planning, we were finally ready to launch an assault on what we now believed to be the lair of all that is evil, cursed and depraved. We had found the Burrow... and we were going in.

It had begun during a lonely night 2 weeks ago. I lay on a small bed of grass, binoculars in hand, scanning the waters of the Thames. A small unmanned boat drifted lazily in the moonlight, the oars cutting into the water with little noise.I focused the lens, but the boat looked innocent enough. I rolled over and looked up at the stars. Another long night with nothing happening. When would he arrive?

The Judges had been watching this area in the heart of London's Docklands since February. Each night, one of us had sat in this same spot, watching, waiting. The soil under the grass had the imprint of several months worth of people lying on it, which at least made it comfortable. I chewed a piece of grass impatiently, the tang of cellulose and mud filling my mouth with a breathtaking perfume.The stars were so clear that night, the harsh lights of the London streets seeming to dim to allow this show of cosmic beauty. The moon shone with a brilliant radiance, its face reflected in the Thames as a streak of white in the darkness of the waters, the ground around me a dazzling pale blue. It was only 11 o'clock, and I was bored already. Even he wouldn't be bold enough to make a move on a full moon. I began to feel drowsy, the cool late night air filling my lungs and mind with a relaxed feeling more potent than any alcohol. I closed my eyes for just a moment, sleep finally taking it's gentle hold.

I jumped awake with a start. The grass I had been chewing earlier lay on my chin, my own saliva cold against my face. I could hear voices. A couple out for a late night stroll? With the feeling in my gut, nothing romantic was about to happen. I checked the timer on my camera: 0234. I swore inwardly. If I had missed anything... I focused my binoculars, trying to blink my weary eyes into a focus of their own. A motorboat was moored a little way off from the warehouse, the hum of the outboard motor a low rattle in my ears. The voices were obscured, but they weren't coming from the boat. I had to find them.

With a quick glance over my shoulder, I made a low run onto the decking, crouching behind a wall. I looked over the topmost row of bricks down the dock... someone was looking back at me. I reached around the wall, grabbing hold of an arm, and pulled the owner round to my side, the small cutting knife in my hand quickly placed over the throat of the person. I pulled it back when i saw who it was, but i didn't relinquish my grip on his arm. "And just what in the hell d'you think you're doing here?", I whispered forcefully into his face. Dave struggled slightly, before whispering back. "Just taking a walk... nice night for it". It was a feeble excuse. There was only one reason to be on those planks that night. "A walk this late in London for a rat like you? Good to know you keep healthy" I retorted. Not my best, but i was tired, and seeing him there only made me more edgy than I was already. "Aadvarks turning nocturnal these days?". Dave sneered, "Aardvarks are nocturnal anyway, didn't you ever do biology you drama freak?" I twisted him arm nonchalantly. I wasn't in the mood to discuss classroom politics. I looked over him and saw what i feared. Two men, both about 6 foot in height, but with ears to rival the silhouettes of Mickey Mouse and a smeared poster of Batman. Agents.

I let the physics fool go, and he ran off in the direction of Charing Cross. I didn't care if he was eaten, he deserved it. I got out my phone and wrote a hasty text to Jon. Head of the Judges, he would be very interested in this. 'At W.23. OS and OS sighted, will observe. Complication: Slave Dave also present. Recommend?'. Hopefully he'd reply, so i set my phone to Wheesht!, and hled it in my hand as I looked up at the Agents. They were right where we knew they'd be. Warehouse 23. I walked forward, keeping to the shadows, passing Warehouses 18, 19 and 20. I stopped behind 21 as my phone began to flash blue. I flipped it open and read the text. 'Will get SD myself. Get what you can and get out'. Worked for me. I crouched at the corner and listened around the corner. The boat was far enough off for the only sound to distract me from the voices was my own heavy breathing.

I listened intently, hearing the deep, husky voices discussing trivial matters. The Burrow, Bromos, the successful insertion of Plumbius. Old news. I needed something better than this. I heard the voices muffle slightly, along with the loud rattle of the warehouse shutters. They had gone in, and I was still outside. I mentally kicked myself. Another golden oppertunity wasted. I moved to the side of W23. The dank smell of some foul Aardvark plot was wafting out from somewhere, and I needed to go nearer to it. I felt sick as I crouched by an ajar basement window. I ducked back as a light flicked on, and arranged myself by the gap. I waited, and I listened.

With a grim concentration, I heard the voices of Agents Osmosis and Osteoperosis. Two other figures had thier backs to me, though one was quickly introduced by the other, while the simple reactions of the two Agents told me who the other one was. Agent Ozymandias stood, arms behind his back behind the other stranger who sat in an office chair. The other two Agents stood before him, saluted and bowed.

They say when you get anxious the hairs on the back of your neck stand up with a sudden chill of terror. Mine did something similar; they all commited suicide. Panic and fear gripped me, my throat tightened. I sat up and regained my breath, keeping under the level of the voices inside. "Agents, you have returned. I trust Plumbius had a report from The Beast?". The chillingly high voice, the cool and collect calmness of that who fears nothing. Even the Agents feared him."O-of course. Agent Tyler has reported a complete analysis on one under his care. We suspect this individual to be closely linked to the Judges. He was conveniently absent each time Agent Osiris encountered the same Judge. The likelyhood is that was mere coincidence but- " "No. No coincidence." The voice pierced my eardrums again. "Osiris was adamant when she reported to the Beast. The Judge was one of his tutees. I am only pleased she managed to report that before the Judge killed her."

I sat back. I remembered that fight. Back when Otis was just gaining power, he'd take anyone to be an Agent. We managed to first learn of him through this foolishly careless recruitment procedure, when Dave turned to us and informed us. The trial was inconclusive, so he was allowed to live. Something that still galls me whenever I think of it. Osiris was one of the first to join when Otis instigated the O-S system of codenaming. She was, as far as we knew the only female agent there ever was or will be. Otis is like that. I spent the better part of a month tracking her down, learning what I could about the Agents. Each of the Judges shadowed their own Agent. I got too close, and Osiris turned on me. But as far as I knew, i never killed her. But then, Otis never really enjoyed the company of his Agents...

"Preperations for this coming Sunday. Are they complete Osteoperosis?". "Yes Lord, The Burrow expects you, and Agent Lewis is ready for your arrival. His dwelling will be empty, and insertion should be flawless."

I had heard the magic phrase. If my ears still worked after hearing that foul voice, I knew where the Burrow was. I knew how to get there... I sat up, and retraced my steps to the grass embankment and walked off into the night once more.

I trembled with excitement on the first train back in the morning, re-writing the hasty scrawl of my notes. If what i had was to be trusted, I had hit gold. I had found the Burrow...

I had found Otis himself...

(OOC, dave have that as an intro. I'm still working on it, but that can sate you for tonight.)

Sun of Science

You'll see what i did there in a minute.

So, today I left for school early. With all my transgressions involving punctuality last week i was DAMN determined to do better this week, starting with today. I left home at 7.30 and took the stroll to'ard school. I turned up in the lair of the beast, to find it EMPTY!!! I WAS FIRST IN!!! Noone here... or here... and not a soul. Damn proud of that I was!

Anyway, after a long and dull Englit, I ventured for a second period three (period 6 :-P) , whereupon we all ventured out to take a look at the eclipse which people told me was on that i had no idea about but oh well an eclipse is an eclipse.After much messing around we finally made our pinhole camera complete with projector (seen here operated by Uber Projectionist Dave) The Sun seemed to be giving us no clues of its own, so we looked onto the screen, and as the sun shone through what did we see?! This remarkable image!!! Theres Science for ya. Unfortunately, the sun seemed to turn Dan to stone, so we had to find the Elixir of Petrification to revive him.

I then spent 3rd explaining to Ollie the plot of Pride and Prejudice... with cards
Sciency day no?

Science

I have made a masterful scientific discovery!

Me (m) + Shower (s) = Good (g). M+S = Marks and Spencer (MS). Therefore MS=G (monosodium glutamate). Now, Cat (c) + M = G, which stands to reason that MS+C also = G. But, M+MS+C+S = Bad (b)

So, if M+MS+C+S=B, but M+MS+S= G, obviously S+C=B.

The rule here? Never take a shower with a cat watching you. It's very unnerving...

Oh, also: Oranges and Richard plus Gardening Alone Shouldnt Mix, but they evidently do since i cut the grass yesterday. Therefore O+R+G+A+S+M = The sum of its parts.

Evidently R= ORGASM. I rock :-P

Is it wrong that I can already hear all those who do physics and maths writhing in sheer torment? Ooh, that made me go all tingly...