And now, a message from our glorious ruler

Greetings, foolish humans! I, Augustus Gloop, have taken over the Chocolate Factory of the late Willy Wonka! I now own all his commercial chocolate enterprises, and have enslaved the Oompa-Loompa creatures to conform to my will! No longer will you pitiful mortals be allowed to enjoy the rich creamy taste of Wonka’s Whipple-Scrumptious Fudgemallow Delight and Wonka’s Nutty Crunch Surprise! Now only I may taste this perfection of confection!!!

Once, I was but a figure of ridicule. The butt of the joke, the playground freak! So my passion for chocolate excelled my girth, but it was a small price to pay for this love. Martha Gregor had a bigger price to pay for her passion, but was her sudden growth the subject of jeers and japes? No, suddenly, all my male peers sought out her favour, to the length that, barely 9 months later she was thin once more...

But I digress. Your taunts and jeers twisted me to ambition; to a lust for power unsated by my parent's enhanced stature in society. I knew I would soon be destined for great things, for a power beyond the schoolboy taunts, beyond this large frame chocolate bestowed on me. I vowed revenge on Wonka for what he had done, for the way his produce had poisoned my body.

For years I haunted the gates of his factory, but I knew the old mans reclusive nature as much as anyone. My infiltration was not going to be easy. But, it seems, fate was on my side. Wonka, the fool, allowed only 5 people into the factory. I hunted all the chocolate i could, an orgy matched only by my youthful years. And at last, I found that gleam of hope, the shimmer of the golden ticket... my ticket to Wonka.

He sensed my intent quickly however, my weakness for chocolate luring me into the tubes of his mixing river. I was trapped, and it seemed my chance was gone before it had even arrived.However, I was determined. When that brat Veruca Salt was also incarcerated by Wonka and his Oompa-Loompa death squads, we formulated a plan. She was easy to manipulate, a stroke of luck I could not have forseen. As I distracted the guards, she let out an ear peircing shriek, incapacitating the O-L's, allowing us to make our escape.

When we met Wonka again, he had already passed his dues and property to that young fool Charlie Bucket. Bucket was powerful, but I had come to far to lose to one such as him. I sacrificed Salt to overpower him, forcing him to sign the deed that named me sole proprietor of the factory,and thus the Oompa Loompa's followed suit, joining me. Bucket was now disposable, and was quickly in the mix of the fast selling "Wonka's Bucket", a confection that told you what was in it once you had eaten it, thus requiring the bucket.

And so you know of my victory, you who read this. But what could stop you telling the world's leaders, what could dissuade you from destroying all I have achieved? Well, without chocalte, man will slowly die out. You have no choice but to follow me. Look into my eyes... you will see the truth...

Lord High Admiral Chocolatier to the Realm, Augustus Gloop

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The pic at the top was the inspiration for this one. Look at it... you would NOT get between this boy and his chocolate...

Next in this fascinating series: Mike Teavee and his fun with a bowie knife:


'chard

DISCLAIMER: Slightly 'chard industries claim no responsibility for any childhoods shattered as a result of this post.