We always hear "the rules" from the female side.Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail
1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's whatwe do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself !
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football, the off side rule, Or golf.
1. You have enough clothes
1. You have too many shoes
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on th ecouch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
Thanks to Stompps lack of productivity for this one.
October 22, 2006
October 11, 2006
...what?
From BBC News
Ok, lets set the record straight. I am ALL for Political Correctness Gone Mad (really, no joke...) but even this is too far. I bet even the Nazi's allowed inhouse greeting cards before paper rationing. You can just see Hilter opening his card from Eva 'n' the boys and reading "Heil Addy! So, made it to 40 then! Well, you know what they say! Life begins at 40 unless you're against der Ubermensch Ideal and thus are currently awaiting gassing in which case life ends Looong before then".
Now THAT'S insensitivity. Anyway, lets read on in the article:
On behalf of all staff though? Not too bad I guess, a little bit impersonal, but at least the feeling's still there, you still at least get one card on behalf of your colleagues and friends Right?
Now, in an unprecedented move (for me, I really am this bored) I decided to peruse the Act that they cite as the reason for this completely undraconian decision; The Employement Equality (Age) Regulations Act 2006 (only been in force 10 days you know!). Yes, I know, research! Don't worry im not THat mad...
So, lets have a look for any relevant passages...
Wow, I love legalese! Look at some of these definitions!
"1996 Act" means the Employment Rights Act 1996" (as opposed to any other act of 1996. Lest we forget!)
"Great Britain" includes such of the territorial waters of the United Kingdom as are adjacent to Great Britain;" (of course)
"school", in England and Wales, has the meaning given by section 4 of the Education Act 1996[5], and, in Scotland, has the meaning given by section 135(1) of the Education (Scotland) Act 1980[6], and references to a school are to an institution in so far as it is engaged in the provision of education under those sections; (fantastic! I'm gonna use that to answer people who as about school, Airplane style! 'School? What is it? Well it has the meaning given by section 4 of the Education Act 1996...but that's not important right now')
Ah, wait, here we go! The meat!
Ok, so we got the definition of "Age discrimination" sorted. One problem. The rest of the bill says just (in a nutshell):
Do not discriminate on grounds of age during interviews, hiring, training, firing, pension etc etc and nothing specifically saying "BITRHDAY CRDS R T£H BAD LOLZ!!!" (damn legalese..).
But maybe I'm missing this little gem, in section 6, harrasment on grounds of age: For the purposes of these Regulations, a person ("A") subjects another person ("B") to harassment where, on grounds of age, A engages in unwanted conduct which has the purpose or effect of— (a) violating B's dignity; or (b) creating an intimidating, hostile, degrading, humiliating or offensive environment for B.
Ah there we go! Of course, making a jokey comment about someones age in a birthday card will of course contravene Section 6 Subsection (b) (is that right?). Cos, you know, if someone gave me a card with this (http://www.pbfcomics.com/archive/0PBF22048BC-Today_is_my_Birthday.gif) on it I too would feel intimidated/hostile/degraded/humiliated and/or offended.
Still, the news report does end with the boss of the company lightening with the jokey conclusion: " "We certainly still encourage the practice of buying cakes!""
Erm. Actually, no. Candles would break health and safety regulations for one thing. Also, what about allergies? NUTS MAN! And after all, there might be chocolate in that cake. And we all know that it coudl be dark chocolate, and you know who ate dark chocolate? HITLER THAT'S WHO! And not to mention DARK chocolate carries connotations of RACISM! RACIST! And whats that? There are numbers? In icing? NUMBERS SHOW AGE/AGE IS AGIST YOU FACIST!!
So, in light of this post I move to declare that ALL birthdays be banned in the professional sphere. Its discrimiatory against those who don't have birthdays. It'll make them feel like outsiders, pressuring their lack of popularity cos THEY didnt get a card/cake/present. Oh yeh presents! Who knows WHO could package a parcel bomb in wrapping paper these days?!
BAN BIRTHDAYS!!! JOIN TEH CAUSSE! ANTI-AGISM FTW!
Activistchard
Playing: Final Fantasy V
Reading: Kerrang!
Listening to: 'Transparent' - Spineshank
Annoyed with: My aching muscles
Mood: m'ok
Song currently stuck in head: None really
Favourite Song of the Minute: 'Bleeding Mascara' - Atreyu
Greetings cards passed around the office and signed for a colleague's birthday have been banned by a company in Bournemouth.Alan and Thomas Ltd said they stopped the card signings, as jokes or comments about someone's age could be offensive under new age discrimination laws.
Just one simple question. What? Seriously, who actually came up with that idea?
Ok, lets set the record straight. I am ALL for Political Correctness Gone Mad (really, no joke...) but even this is too far. I bet even the Nazi's allowed inhouse greeting cards before paper rationing. You can just see Hilter opening his card from Eva 'n' the boys and reading "Heil Addy! So, made it to 40 then! Well, you know what they say! Life begins at 40 unless you're against der Ubermensch Ideal and thus are currently awaiting gassing in which case life ends Looong before then".
Now THAT'S insensitivity. Anyway, lets read on in the article:
Well then there's no problem! They took LEGAL advice! I actually managed to get in touch with the lawyer Mr Boughton used for this advice, and after some quick introductions I perused all the credentials on the wall behind them, read one out to him and was asked "Want fries with that?".The firm's boss, Julian Boughton, said they had taken legal advice.
Directors of the Bournemouth-based insurance brokers will instead send a card on behalf of all staff.
On behalf of all staff though? Not too bad I guess, a little bit impersonal, but at least the feeling's still there, you still at least get one card on behalf of your colleagues and friends Right?
"Instead we have decided that the company will send a card to each staff member on their birthday, signed by the directors."Oh well.
Now, in an unprecedented move (for me, I really am this bored) I decided to peruse the Act that they cite as the reason for this completely undraconian decision; The Employement Equality (Age) Regulations Act 2006 (only been in force 10 days you know!). Yes, I know, research! Don't worry im not THat mad...
So, lets have a look for any relevant passages...
Wow, I love legalese! Look at some of these definitions!
"1996 Act" means the Employment Rights Act 1996" (as opposed to any other act of 1996. Lest we forget!)
"Great Britain" includes such of the territorial waters of the United Kingdom as are adjacent to Great Britain;" (of course)
"school", in England and Wales, has the meaning given by section 4 of the Education Act 1996[5], and, in Scotland, has the meaning given by section 135(1) of the Education (Scotland) Act 1980[6], and references to a school are to an institution in so far as it is engaged in the provision of education under those sections; (fantastic! I'm gonna use that to answer people who as about school, Airplane style! 'School? What is it? Well it has the meaning given by section 4 of the Education Act 1996...but that's not important right now')
Ah, wait, here we go! The meat!
3. —(1) For the purposes of these Regulations, a person ("A") discriminates against another person ("B") if—Put simply: "If you treat him bad cos of his age then you're discriminating". Easy. Ooh, section 5 has a kickass title! " Instructions to discriminate". Awesome! They even tell you how to do it!
(a) on grounds of B's age, A treats B less favourably than he treats or would treat other persons, or
(b) A applies to B a provision, criterion or practice which he applies or would apply equally to persons not of the same age group as B, but—
and A cannot show the treatment or, as the case may be, provision, criterion or practice to be a proportionate means of achieving a legitimate aim.
Ok, so we got the definition of "Age discrimination" sorted. One problem. The rest of the bill says just (in a nutshell):
Do not discriminate on grounds of age during interviews, hiring, training, firing, pension etc etc and nothing specifically saying "BITRHDAY CRDS R T£H BAD LOLZ!!!" (damn legalese..).
But maybe I'm missing this little gem, in section 6, harrasment on grounds of age: For the purposes of these Regulations, a person ("A") subjects another person ("B") to harassment where, on grounds of age, A engages in unwanted conduct which has the purpose or effect of— (a) violating B's dignity; or (b) creating an intimidating, hostile, degrading, humiliating or offensive environment for B.
Ah there we go! Of course, making a jokey comment about someones age in a birthday card will of course contravene Section 6 Subsection (b) (is that right?). Cos, you know, if someone gave me a card with this (http://www.pbfcomics.com/archive/0PBF22048BC-Today_is_my_Birthday.gif) on it I too would feel intimidated/hostile/degraded/humiliated and/or offended.
Still, the news report does end with the boss of the company lightening with the jokey conclusion: " "We certainly still encourage the practice of buying cakes!""
Erm. Actually, no. Candles would break health and safety regulations for one thing. Also, what about allergies? NUTS MAN! And after all, there might be chocolate in that cake. And we all know that it coudl be dark chocolate, and you know who ate dark chocolate? HITLER THAT'S WHO! And not to mention DARK chocolate carries connotations of RACISM! RACIST! And whats that? There are numbers? In icing? NUMBERS SHOW AGE/AGE IS AGIST YOU FACIST!!
So, in light of this post I move to declare that ALL birthdays be banned in the professional sphere. Its discrimiatory against those who don't have birthdays. It'll make them feel like outsiders, pressuring their lack of popularity cos THEY didnt get a card/cake/present. Oh yeh presents! Who knows WHO could package a parcel bomb in wrapping paper these days?!
BAN BIRTHDAYS!!! JOIN TEH CAUSSE! ANTI-AGISM FTW!
Activistchard
Playing: Final Fantasy V
Reading: Kerrang!
Listening to: 'Transparent' - Spineshank
Annoyed with: My aching muscles
Mood: m'ok
Song currently stuck in head: None really
Favourite Song of the Minute: 'Bleeding Mascara' - Atreyu
October 08, 2006
Dancing Mad
Today has been an odd day. And not just becuase I spelt today as topdaty.
It all begins WAaaaaaaaaaaaaay back, almost... ooh...18 hours ago, at 1am. I decided to relieve certain frustrastions and desires in one orgasmically gushing force and stve off the boredom witha a puzzle game of some description. Paths, if you must know. So, 2 hours later I had finally conquered said game (I'm on the score board. 80something) and had decided that, due so annoying circumstances I would happen to spirit myself away, up that old wooden hill to Bedfordshire. Was very nice too, very friendly locals. Anyway, as I was lying there I realised that in face sleep was going to be a chore (mostly due to the cat that had decided to choose that moment to leap onto my stomach and use me as an impromptu sleeping surface), so desiring some small semblance of company (which certain people were being very reluctant to grant) I texted the small coffee obsessed one, who it turned out was none too far from me.
Long story short, at 7am (i can be up that early, who says I can't, leave me alone!) I plodded downstairs and let in said Caffiened Crusader, whence we proceeded to spend all the twilight hours in convivial conversation. Well, until about 8 when she had to leave (possibly completely confusing my parents all the while). So that was odd
Then, at 10am I arose again, plodded to the shower, cleaned myself while ignoring the feeling of unease that had crept over me, got dressed (careful) got everything together, and went and sat at teh bus stop...
...15 minutes later, I stood up, looked at the timetable, saw the bus didn't run on sundays and proceeded to walk. So that was odd.
Anyhoogan, I got to Nick's, said hi to Nick and Rachel (who weren't up yet, tsk tsk, some of us were up at 7!) and we then proceeded to watch Nick jumpstart his car (very fun) went and got popcorn, came back and watched both Airplane! films with lots of laughs from Nick and myself and the odd discernible snigger from Rachel. So that was odd.
This was also odd...
This was just hysterical... though odd...
Then I went t'Theatre 62 and got said hello to by my brother. So that was odd.
Chard. Who is odd...
It all begins WAaaaaaaaaaaaaay back, almost... ooh...18 hours ago, at 1am. I decided to relieve certain frustrastions and desires in one orgasmically gushing force and stve off the boredom witha a puzzle game of some description. Paths, if you must know. So, 2 hours later I had finally conquered said game (I'm on the score board. 80something) and had decided that, due so annoying circumstances I would happen to spirit myself away, up that old wooden hill to Bedfordshire. Was very nice too, very friendly locals. Anyway, as I was lying there I realised that in face sleep was going to be a chore (mostly due to the cat that had decided to choose that moment to leap onto my stomach and use me as an impromptu sleeping surface), so desiring some small semblance of company (which certain people were being very reluctant to grant) I texted the small coffee obsessed one, who it turned out was none too far from me.
Long story short, at 7am (i can be up that early, who says I can't, leave me alone!) I plodded downstairs and let in said Caffiened Crusader, whence we proceeded to spend all the twilight hours in convivial conversation. Well, until about 8 when she had to leave (possibly completely confusing my parents all the while). So that was odd
Then, at 10am I arose again, plodded to the shower, cleaned myself while ignoring the feeling of unease that had crept over me, got dressed (careful) got everything together, and went and sat at teh bus stop...
...15 minutes later, I stood up, looked at the timetable, saw the bus didn't run on sundays and proceeded to walk. So that was odd.
Anyhoogan, I got to Nick's, said hi to Nick and Rachel (who weren't up yet, tsk tsk, some of us were up at 7!) and we then proceeded to watch Nick jumpstart his car (very fun) went and got popcorn, came back and watched both Airplane! films with lots of laughs from Nick and myself and the odd discernible snigger from Rachel. So that was odd.
This was also odd...
This was just hysterical... though odd...
Then I went t'Theatre 62 and got said hello to by my brother. So that was odd.
Chard. Who is odd...
October 05, 2006
Sarah's Final Fantasy
Well, I'm bored. Its nearly midnight, but rather than go to bed (bed? ha!) I might as well do this. Thing is, I just don't talk about sarah in this blog anymore. A fact that she has mentioned to me (many times) and I have acknowledged. So, in order to rectify it, here's one about her.Well, actually she gets the start; the rest will be dealt with after. So, without further adieu:
10 Things You're About To Wish I'd Never Told You About Sarah
OR
10 More Things Sarah Will Use In Court As Evidence of my Caddishness
---------------------------------------------------------------
Many of you many know or be aware that I am a total Final Fantasy freak. I've owned/played all the games I can, I've got most of the soundtracks, I can even say I saw The Spirits Within on its first day of release and have a fansub of Advent Children. And if you didn't know that then now you do. Looking over my old blogs it was customary to do some random reviews of new things (my Gothika review (April 2nd) still rings true today), so I'm going to bore EVERYONE by saying a few words about all the FF's! AREN'T YOU LUCKY?!! (stop crying at the back there)
Final Fantasy
Ah, the first and original! 1987, the golden summer, with Squaresoft on the very brink of bankruptcy! Hironobu Sakaguchi pumped out this NES classic and history was made! Ok, so it was a D'n'D rip, the graphics became dated pretty quickly and it was harder than a cast-iron skinhead, but it was a start, and more importantly it sold! Pity that Amano-san's wonderful character artwork became pretty clunky in the change to sprites, but with an 8-bit console whaddyagonnado?
Pros
The first, and gameply/storywise is still pretty farkin' decent.
It's all there, EXP, HP, GP and Uematsu-san's Ahead on our Way, still a breathtaking theme
The Sprite Comic 8-Bit Theatre
Cons
The NES version looks dog and has some serious annoyances. Like your characters trying to attack thin air...
OTHER sprite comics.
As nails. Level grinding was just not fun.
Final Fantasy II
Ah yes, the inevitable sequel. Problem was, this game has one SERIOUS flaw, which marred an otherwise decent title. It's stat system was shite. Essentially, to make a stat better, you use it more. So, want to get stronger? Swing that sword baby! Want to be more accurate? Use that bow! Want to not get the shit kicked out of you? Get the shit kicked out of you anyway, what doesn't kill you can only make you stronger right? OK, I suppose it sounds logical on paper, but in practise... urgh. When I relented and gave the game a chance I spent at least 2 soli hours killing my own team just so they'd have enough HP to live! That said, the game is ok, the story is VERY dark (i believe a contributing factor in its lack of US release) with suporting characters getting killed left right and centre (some pretty nastily at that). Just seriously hampered by that LVL system
Pros
Your characters talk?! Wow, I thought Light Warriors had their voiceboxes altered at birth...
Better graphics (NES didnt change MUCH, but the sprites looked prettier)
Chocobos!!! ^_^ (fanboy drooling)
Cons
ARG THAT FUCKING LEVEL UP SYSTEM WAS SHIT!!! ARRRRRRRG!!!
Still turn based, and still with those swings at midair!
Final Fantasy III
Ah, our last outing on the NES. This one was cool though. Not released outside of Japan (though it is due for a release on the DS, another reason for me to get one hehe) it was however far better than it's predecessors. Story was solid, and we got our first taste at a basic Job system. Essentially, your characters could change what they were good at. Don't wasnt him to be a knight? Make him a mage. Your party got no healer? He can be a white mage then. Ok it had some flaws, but it worked. And yes, I have played it. Not legally, but then noone this side of Russia has either. We're fanboys, we can do what we like!
Pros
Job system! Fwee!
Again, better graphics, and a character sprite count through the roof.
Those nice men at Squaresoft have another good story for you!
Cons
Still not out here. I want it dammit!
Back to the static 4 member party. Bit more character variety would have been nice.
Still NES. Urgh...
Final Fantasy IV
Ah finally they hit 16bit with the SNES! Well, in theory... the graphics are still a little less than groundbreaking, colours a little faded... and the main character is called Cecil?! Cecil the dark knight... oooooh SCARY!!! Ahem anyway, yeh so again, the story was good, all sorts of political upheaval and warfare overcome by friendship and love. Once again we're on a tale of 4 elemental crystals, but no matter. And we finally get our ATB system! Ah battles were never the same again! This one was again released in the US, and thankfully so, as it led to possibly the most INFAMOUS moment of engrish ever. Imagine the scene, an old man has witnessed the death of his daughter, and her ineffectual bard of a fiance did nothing to save her.In his rage, this old man, one of the most powerful spellcasters in the land, launches himself into a fight with said bard. In his rage, he shouts a breathtakingly harsh insult: "YOU SPOONY BARD!!!" And, no. I didn't make that up.
Pros
Huzzah! 16 bit!
ATB!
Spoony!
Edge, coolest ninja until FFVI
Cons
I thought it was 16 bit...
Cecil... snigger!
Final Fantasy V
16 bit is getting there! Again, this one suffers from a small few problems regarding character names (Bartz? Ugh) Still, this was THE game of 1993. Superb story, badly acted in places, with that AWESOME job system now fixed and the most versatile system before or so far since, and above all... Faris... mmm.... even if her real name IS Salsa... snigger... and you got Gilgamesh, the best comic relief character, cos not only was he dangerous, his battle theme was awesome. Better than Ultros anyday.
Pros
Faris...
Job system! A knight that can summon! Oh yes oh yes!
ATB!!!
Cons
Still pixels. Dated nowadays
Bartz just left Boko in front of that cave!!! Heartless!
Final Fantasy VI
Ok, it's good Squaresoft adressed the whole 'only 4 characters' thing, but 14?!!! No way can anyone keep track of them. This one i found rather dull. Ok everyone else considers it a masterpeice, but i just couldnt follow it at all. too many characters too little time. But, they did finally have a female main character, who was cool at that. And they surpassed Edge's title of coolest FF ninja by including Shadow. Who rocked. And thy finally had a REALLY cool antagonist in Kefka, who loked like a clown laughed like a dog, but was shit scary cos he tore up the entire planet with worrying ease. And continued to do so.
Pros
Kefka
Shadow ( not a fanboy)
Dancing Mad, the final fight theme. Was woefully underappreciated, its a 12 minute long epic of musical genius. With organs! omfg!
Cons
Too long for my liking
Too many sidequests/character stories. Hard tokeep up.
DEPRESSING. Has everything from the end of the world to teen pregnancy to suicide to opera. Not a feel good game.
Final Fantasy VII
And here is where it all starts. For me my very first, the fourth released in the US (so it messed up the numbering considerably when they didn't call it FFIV) and the first released in old Blighty. I picked it up at the age of 11, and I last played it at 17. This game just was videogame story telling perfection. Ok the graphics are dated now, but the combat is fast, the story just the right side of depression, the characters brilliant, the women impossibly endowed, and like Kefka, we have the MOST AWESOME BAD GUY EVER!!! So awesome was the Sephy that when he appeared 10 years later in Advent Children there was a mass FF fanbase collective orgasm. And I was there with them. This dude was sex with a sword. Gothic, psychotic, sliced up one of your team before your eyes, and then you got to kill the bastard! Perfection.
Pros
Awesome story
AWESOME antagonist
Nice girls
Cons
Little dated now
NOt much to do once you'd done it all 4 times.
Final Fantasy VIII
I have to admit that this was where my love for the raven haired look came from (see sarah fact 2). I mean come on, she is a sexy peice of polygon. Anyway, again sexy graphics (still prerendered ugh), pity about the lack of cool badguy. I mean, you dont even know she exists until the 3rd disc ( a long time). And the main character was an emo forerunner with commitment issues with anothe silly name. Squall. Ugh.
Pros
Graphics make these people FINALLY look human!
Less swords and sorcery, more swords and large eff off tanks
None too hard
Junctioning was pretty fun
Cons
Squall. EMO
Ashley has serious orgasms over this game. And he thinks it's better than VII. Twat.
Final Fantasy IX
Once again, thanks to the miracle of hi-res FMV we get to ogle another peice of polygonic perfection. With long hair, and without. (I prefer the latter). This one was pretty fun, even though many unfairly dismissed it from departing from the trend of scifi settings. The fantasy realm was pretty nice, harking back to the 'good ol' days' with the spoony comments and the pixels. We also had another cool villain, even if he was 'slightly' effeminate. By which i mean VERY. But again, that didn't prevent the man from tearing 1 planet in half (literally, i add) and pretty much completely nuking another before he died.
Pros
Graphics Superb
Some good subplots/minigames. SKipping!
Cons
Brahne. Urgh....
A little... psychadelic in places...
Final Fantasy X
Nearly there! Again, very hot and sexy if reserved eye candy abound. As you can tell the graphics are now sorted. Stellar story as well, though the voices were a little embarrassing, which took away from the usual poignancy of the story. Ah well, no shame. The effects were cool, the bad guy was enough of an arse to warrant the smashing of his face, the main character was an annoying fop, the music was splendid, the combat was sweet ( CBT! WHEE!!!) and the Aeons were AWESOME. And then they went and made a sequel... oh dear...
Pros
Best FF since VII
Awesome in so many ways
Lulu's physic defying dress
Cons
Voice acting.
---------------
And i end there, cos the films, meh, and FFX-2 is a travesty that will hopefullly never be repeated. So roll on FFXII i say!
Wow, this post is pretty long...
'chard
Playing: Final Fantasy V
Reading: 84, Charing Cross Road
Listening to: 'Dancing Mad' - Black Mages
Annoyed with: My neck
Mood: Serene
Song currently stuck in head: 'forget about tomorrow'- Feeder
Favourite Song of the Minute: 'Dancing Mad' - The Black Mages
10 Things You're About To Wish I'd Never Told You About Sarah
OR
10 More Things Sarah Will Use In Court As Evidence of my Caddishness
- Sarah currently owns at least 4 items of clothing that are mine. She steadfastly refuses to return them.
- Sarah's late 2004/early 2005 dying of the hair was indirectly my fault. I told her I liked black hair. Oops
- Sarah was the second person to ever beat me on Soul Calibur II purely through button-mashing tactics. The first was some wanker I played with 3 months before the game was released who thought Guarding was an attack. Arse...
- Sarah was the first person I ever cooked for, and once she got out of hospital was kind enough to tell me what I shouldn't have done.
- Sarah managed to completely out geek me when she bought and ran her own D+D game.
- Sarah is also a selfconfessed Star Trek TNG fan. By which I mean I had to spend 40 minutes in her room waiting for the episode she was watching to finish before she even said hello to me.
- Sarah is of course a strict vegetarian. I'm sure we all remember the furore at BBQ1. I managed to convince her for 5 minutes that there was nothing to eat at my brothers party, telling her mum was rubbing the lettuce in bacon fat. Sarah's reply of "What? Why would she do that?" caused a lot of giggling, and an addition of a label to the table stating "Lettuce: Rubbed in fat".
- Sarah stated in this post of hers that I was late turning up. She punished me by taking me shopping. I never learnt.
- Sarah tonight discovered in her drawers (careful) an old valentines card she never sent me. Had to be from about the time we first met, she didn't spell my name right.
- Sarah claims to know everything there is to know about me. Unfortunately I can't say the same. Much as I love me, I never take much of an interest.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Many of you many know or be aware that I am a total Final Fantasy freak. I've owned/played all the games I can, I've got most of the soundtracks, I can even say I saw The Spirits Within on its first day of release and have a fansub of Advent Children. And if you didn't know that then now you do. Looking over my old blogs it was customary to do some random reviews of new things (my Gothika review (April 2nd) still rings true today), so I'm going to bore EVERYONE by saying a few words about all the FF's! AREN'T YOU LUCKY?!! (stop crying at the back there)
Final Fantasy
Ah, the first and original! 1987, the golden summer, with Squaresoft on the very brink of bankruptcy! Hironobu Sakaguchi pumped out this NES classic and history was made! Ok, so it was a D'n'D rip, the graphics became dated pretty quickly and it was harder than a cast-iron skinhead, but it was a start, and more importantly it sold! Pity that Amano-san's wonderful character artwork became pretty clunky in the change to sprites, but with an 8-bit console whaddyagonnado?
Pros
The first, and gameply/storywise is still pretty farkin' decent.
It's all there, EXP, HP, GP and Uematsu-san's Ahead on our Way, still a breathtaking theme
The Sprite Comic 8-Bit Theatre
Cons
The NES version looks dog and has some serious annoyances. Like your characters trying to attack thin air...
OTHER sprite comics.
As nails. Level grinding was just not fun.
Final Fantasy II
Ah yes, the inevitable sequel. Problem was, this game has one SERIOUS flaw, which marred an otherwise decent title. It's stat system was shite. Essentially, to make a stat better, you use it more. So, want to get stronger? Swing that sword baby! Want to be more accurate? Use that bow! Want to not get the shit kicked out of you? Get the shit kicked out of you anyway, what doesn't kill you can only make you stronger right? OK, I suppose it sounds logical on paper, but in practise... urgh. When I relented and gave the game a chance I spent at least 2 soli hours killing my own team just so they'd have enough HP to live! That said, the game is ok, the story is VERY dark (i believe a contributing factor in its lack of US release) with suporting characters getting killed left right and centre (some pretty nastily at that). Just seriously hampered by that LVL system
Pros
Your characters talk?! Wow, I thought Light Warriors had their voiceboxes altered at birth...
Better graphics (NES didnt change MUCH, but the sprites looked prettier)
Chocobos!!! ^_^ (fanboy drooling)
Cons
ARG THAT FUCKING LEVEL UP SYSTEM WAS SHIT!!! ARRRRRRRG!!!
Still turn based, and still with those swings at midair!
Final Fantasy III
Ah, our last outing on the NES. This one was cool though. Not released outside of Japan (though it is due for a release on the DS, another reason for me to get one hehe) it was however far better than it's predecessors. Story was solid, and we got our first taste at a basic Job system. Essentially, your characters could change what they were good at. Don't wasnt him to be a knight? Make him a mage. Your party got no healer? He can be a white mage then. Ok it had some flaws, but it worked. And yes, I have played it. Not legally, but then noone this side of Russia has either. We're fanboys, we can do what we like!
Pros
Job system! Fwee!
Again, better graphics, and a character sprite count through the roof.
Those nice men at Squaresoft have another good story for you!
Cons
Still not out here. I want it dammit!
Back to the static 4 member party. Bit more character variety would have been nice.
Still NES. Urgh...
Final Fantasy IV
Ah finally they hit 16bit with the SNES! Well, in theory... the graphics are still a little less than groundbreaking, colours a little faded... and the main character is called Cecil?! Cecil the dark knight... oooooh SCARY!!! Ahem anyway, yeh so again, the story was good, all sorts of political upheaval and warfare overcome by friendship and love. Once again we're on a tale of 4 elemental crystals, but no matter. And we finally get our ATB system! Ah battles were never the same again! This one was again released in the US, and thankfully so, as it led to possibly the most INFAMOUS moment of engrish ever. Imagine the scene, an old man has witnessed the death of his daughter, and her ineffectual bard of a fiance did nothing to save her.In his rage, this old man, one of the most powerful spellcasters in the land, launches himself into a fight with said bard. In his rage, he shouts a breathtakingly harsh insult: "YOU SPOONY BARD!!!" And, no. I didn't make that up.
Pros
Huzzah! 16 bit!
ATB!
Spoony!
Edge, coolest ninja until FFVI
Cons
I thought it was 16 bit...
Cecil... snigger!
Final Fantasy V
16 bit is getting there! Again, this one suffers from a small few problems regarding character names (Bartz? Ugh) Still, this was THE game of 1993. Superb story, badly acted in places, with that AWESOME job system now fixed and the most versatile system before or so far since, and above all... Faris... mmm.... even if her real name IS Salsa... snigger... and you got Gilgamesh, the best comic relief character, cos not only was he dangerous, his battle theme was awesome. Better than Ultros anyday.
Pros
Faris...
Job system! A knight that can summon! Oh yes oh yes!
ATB!!!
Cons
Still pixels. Dated nowadays
Bartz just left Boko in front of that cave!!! Heartless!
Final Fantasy VI
Ok, it's good Squaresoft adressed the whole 'only 4 characters' thing, but 14?!!! No way can anyone keep track of them. This one i found rather dull. Ok everyone else considers it a masterpeice, but i just couldnt follow it at all. too many characters too little time. But, they did finally have a female main character, who was cool at that. And they surpassed Edge's title of coolest FF ninja by including Shadow. Who rocked. And thy finally had a REALLY cool antagonist in Kefka, who loked like a clown laughed like a dog, but was shit scary cos he tore up the entire planet with worrying ease. And continued to do so.
Pros
Kefka
Shadow ( not a fanboy)
Dancing Mad, the final fight theme. Was woefully underappreciated, its a 12 minute long epic of musical genius. With organs! omfg!
Cons
Too long for my liking
Too many sidequests/character stories. Hard tokeep up.
DEPRESSING. Has everything from the end of the world to teen pregnancy to suicide to opera. Not a feel good game.
Final Fantasy VII
And here is where it all starts. For me my very first, the fourth released in the US (so it messed up the numbering considerably when they didn't call it FFIV) and the first released in old Blighty. I picked it up at the age of 11, and I last played it at 17. This game just was videogame story telling perfection. Ok the graphics are dated now, but the combat is fast, the story just the right side of depression, the characters brilliant, the women impossibly endowed, and like Kefka, we have the MOST AWESOME BAD GUY EVER!!! So awesome was the Sephy that when he appeared 10 years later in Advent Children there was a mass FF fanbase collective orgasm. And I was there with them. This dude was sex with a sword. Gothic, psychotic, sliced up one of your team before your eyes, and then you got to kill the bastard! Perfection.
Pros
Awesome story
AWESOME antagonist
Nice girls
Cons
Little dated now
NOt much to do once you'd done it all 4 times.
Final Fantasy VIII
I have to admit that this was where my love for the raven haired look came from (see sarah fact 2). I mean come on, she is a sexy peice of polygon. Anyway, again sexy graphics (still prerendered ugh), pity about the lack of cool badguy. I mean, you dont even know she exists until the 3rd disc ( a long time). And the main character was an emo forerunner with commitment issues with anothe silly name. Squall. Ugh.
Pros
Graphics make these people FINALLY look human!
Less swords and sorcery, more swords and large eff off tanks
None too hard
Junctioning was pretty fun
Cons
Squall. EMO
Ashley has serious orgasms over this game. And he thinks it's better than VII. Twat.
Final Fantasy IX
Once again, thanks to the miracle of hi-res FMV we get to ogle another peice of polygonic perfection. With long hair, and without. (I prefer the latter). This one was pretty fun, even though many unfairly dismissed it from departing from the trend of scifi settings. The fantasy realm was pretty nice, harking back to the 'good ol' days' with the spoony comments and the pixels. We also had another cool villain, even if he was 'slightly' effeminate. By which i mean VERY. But again, that didn't prevent the man from tearing 1 planet in half (literally, i add) and pretty much completely nuking another before he died.
Pros
Graphics Superb
Some good subplots/minigames. SKipping!
Cons
Brahne. Urgh....
A little... psychadelic in places...
Final Fantasy X
Nearly there! Again, very hot and sexy if reserved eye candy abound. As you can tell the graphics are now sorted. Stellar story as well, though the voices were a little embarrassing, which took away from the usual poignancy of the story. Ah well, no shame. The effects were cool, the bad guy was enough of an arse to warrant the smashing of his face, the main character was an annoying fop, the music was splendid, the combat was sweet ( CBT! WHEE!!!) and the Aeons were AWESOME. And then they went and made a sequel... oh dear...
Pros
Best FF since VII
Awesome in so many ways
Lulu's physic defying dress
Cons
Voice acting.
---------------
And i end there, cos the films, meh, and FFX-2 is a travesty that will hopefullly never be repeated. So roll on FFXII i say!
Wow, this post is pretty long...
'chard
Playing: Final Fantasy V
Reading: 84, Charing Cross Road
Listening to: 'Dancing Mad' - Black Mages
Annoyed with: My neck
Mood: Serene
Song currently stuck in head: 'forget about tomorrow'- Feeder
Favourite Song of the Minute: 'Dancing Mad' - The Black Mages
October 04, 2006
October 03, 2006
UCAS, UFOOL!
Today's been an odd one really. Woke up at 1145, and lay in bed for about 42 seconds, only to have to answer the phon to my moirther who was checking that I was indeed out of bed (oops). After a hasty get up and go I came down here and decided to try and be useful while waiting for the gasman who didnt come yesterday cos i was asleep when he called (also oops). So, in my vague attempts at being useful I decided to go onto UCAS and continue sorting out this whole 'uni' thing that people seem to be so into these days. Call it a bandwagon if you like (haven't had one of those for a while). Not doing too bad to be honest, I'm almost at the same stage this time as I was when i abandoned the sceme last time. So all I got to do is do my courses bit, adapt me Personal Statement and get a reference from some poor spointnet. I did all that last sentence touch typed! And that! and THis!! Wow, im really getting the hang of this. Though it does go downhill the moment my confidence goes. Much like my driving. Ok that was a rather unessecary tangent.
Anyway, while I was doing that jazzy qualifications bit (and was able to, with some serious smuggery, put down a C for Maths) I realised that I couldn't actuially remember what the hell I'd actually got for the rest of my GCSE's, so thanking my lucky stars, I sifted through the ol' blog to the relevant page. And was quite a memory refresher! I'd forgotten that at one point I actually used to do german...
But anyway, I took the opportunity to go through some old blogposts, and oh my god the differences were immense:
Hm, this post isn't so long. Rambling time!
What's been going on with me then? Most of my tuesday/thursday evenings have been spent locked in the green room of Theatre 62 rehearsing what is possibly the most GOD AWFUL script i have ever seen i my LIFE. I mean, it's a play that actually has no idea what it wants or what its trying to do or even what words are. It's essentially and loosely meant to be a panto right? It has about 2 things in it that makes it a panto, cross-dressing and 'dames'. Oh no wait that's the same thing. Ok, 1 thing. It has no jokes (most of the ones you might find even slightly amusing were added by the cast/crew, no kidding), it has a shit plot (Cinderella goes on a pointless journey with no ending) and SINGING OH GOD IT HAS SINGING!!!
But my real nark with it it actually slightly more technical than simple off-slaggery. Theatre productions need one thing and one thing only; an audience. Cos if they ain't paying, the actors aren't doing their job. Problem is, this play has NO idea what it's audience is, should be or can be.
Anyway, so yeh. Luckily these week is the week of the performances for A Doll's House (i'm not going, they didn't want me in the cast then they won't want me in the audience...) so as a quincyquonsce there are no rehearsals. Though Eve has been evil and demanded that when we reconvene we're scripts-down (means we have to know the whole thing). Ah well.
What else in the news of the 'chard? Today I recieved a nice shiny papery chequebook! I'm in there man! Now i just need ot make sure I never ever use it. I don't trust myself .Unfortunately i'm still waiting for the accompanying card, so i still can't actually buy anything. Need it before Dan sods off!
Ah, (Sic) by slipknot. I'd forgotten how good this song is...
Also, I have spent most of yesterday and today in cleaning up the house. Well, mostly yesterday, today I just did my laundry. Checking the window every three seconds to make sure my clothes havent blown away or that its raining thus stoipping the much needed drying process. Also, with the boiler not working we have no hot water. I haven't had a shower in 4 days!!! And it won't even be fixed until tomorrow! ARG!!!
Muse soon muse soon muse soon...
Better go really. Lunch is a cooking, and I'm deterrmined to at least get THAT right. Hope you're all having fun at uni/whatnots. Missing you all terribly! Especially helen, who is missed to the point of depression
(oh i'm on Facebook now, so you know, bust some mad props or whatever)
Auf Wiedersehen!
'chard
Playing: Final Fantasy V
Reading: 84, Charing Cross Road
Listening to: 'High' - Feeder
Annoyed with: Lots of things
Mood: Really wanna get violently drunk
Song currently stuck in head: Erm. To Zanarkand
Favourite Song of the Minute: 'Eisbrecher' - Eisbrecher
Anyway, while I was doing that jazzy qualifications bit (and was able to, with some serious smuggery, put down a C for Maths) I realised that I couldn't actuially remember what the hell I'd actually got for the rest of my GCSE's, so thanking my lucky stars, I sifted through the ol' blog to the relevant page. And was quite a memory refresher! I'd forgotten that at one point I actually used to do german...
But anyway, I took the opportunity to go through some old blogposts, and oh my god the differences were immense:
- I couldn't write to save shit
- I was SICKENINGLY arrogant
- I was SICKENINGLY happy
- God my puns are bad!
Hm, this post isn't so long. Rambling time!
What's been going on with me then? Most of my tuesday/thursday evenings have been spent locked in the green room of Theatre 62 rehearsing what is possibly the most GOD AWFUL script i have ever seen i my LIFE. I mean, it's a play that actually has no idea what it wants or what its trying to do or even what words are. It's essentially and loosely meant to be a panto right? It has about 2 things in it that makes it a panto, cross-dressing and 'dames'. Oh no wait that's the same thing. Ok, 1 thing. It has no jokes (most of the ones you might find even slightly amusing were added by the cast/crew, no kidding), it has a shit plot (Cinderella goes on a pointless journey with no ending) and SINGING OH GOD IT HAS SINGING!!!
But my real nark with it it actually slightly more technical than simple off-slaggery. Theatre productions need one thing and one thing only; an audience. Cos if they ain't paying, the actors aren't doing their job. Problem is, this play has NO idea what it's audience is, should be or can be.
- Theatre 62's members are over the age of 30
- This play is NOT for kids
- Audiences are fickle
Anyway, so yeh. Luckily these week is the week of the performances for A Doll's House (i'm not going, they didn't want me in the cast then they won't want me in the audience...) so as a quincyquonsce there are no rehearsals. Though Eve has been evil and demanded that when we reconvene we're scripts-down (means we have to know the whole thing). Ah well.
What else in the news of the 'chard? Today I recieved a nice shiny papery chequebook! I'm in there man! Now i just need ot make sure I never ever use it. I don't trust myself .Unfortunately i'm still waiting for the accompanying card, so i still can't actually buy anything. Need it before Dan sods off!
Ah, (Sic) by slipknot. I'd forgotten how good this song is...
Also, I have spent most of yesterday and today in cleaning up the house. Well, mostly yesterday, today I just did my laundry. Checking the window every three seconds to make sure my clothes havent blown away or that its raining thus stoipping the much needed drying process. Also, with the boiler not working we have no hot water. I haven't had a shower in 4 days!!! And it won't even be fixed until tomorrow! ARG!!!
Muse soon muse soon muse soon...
Better go really. Lunch is a cooking, and I'm deterrmined to at least get THAT right. Hope you're all having fun at uni/whatnots. Missing you all terribly! Especially helen, who is missed to the point of depression
(oh i'm on Facebook now, so you know, bust some mad props or whatever)
Auf Wiedersehen!
'chard
Playing: Final Fantasy V
Reading: 84, Charing Cross Road
Listening to: 'High' - Feeder
Annoyed with: Lots of things
Mood: Really wanna get violently drunk
Song currently stuck in head: Erm. To Zanarkand
Favourite Song of the Minute: 'Eisbrecher' - Eisbrecher
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