Big Brother is watching you. Along with 3,000,000 mindless drones...

Do you know what is really fecking me off at the moment? "Celebrity" Big Brother. There are several reasons for this:

1. Where the hell are the celebrities?!
2. Why hasn't Barrymore killed anyone?!
3. They class an MP as a celebrity?!
4. Drama lessons have 10 minutes of discussion of the previous nights events as I sit twiddling my thumbs
5. Big Brother. George Orwell, 'Nineteen Eighty-Four', British. And the Netherlands showed it first...

Lets have a quick rundown of these Grade Q Celebrities:

Ah yes, first up is the ever lovely Chantelle. Never heard of her? Good, we're doing well so far. There is a very solid reason why you wouldn't have heard of her. She is the lead singer of that popular girl band Kandi Floss. Never heard of them either? There's a good reason for that too. The reason being simple. Her, her celebrity status and her band have only 1 thing in common: they don't exist. This girl has a lot to answer for. Is this such a world devoid of these iconic Adonii and Venii (funky pluralisation) named 'celebrities' that on a reality show where we expose their foibles, they actually have to go and invent a fake one? And actually have that as her hook? And see how far she can go to convince the rest of the housemates she's honest? Channel 4 has hit on a winner here. However, the REAL problem with her is this: in a world where many people hold celebrities as role models and insiprations for action and style, why is she, the fake, the best looking one in there? Unfortunately, she is most likely to win. However, my faith in humanity might be restored if the voting public (all four of them) have enough sense not to let a NON-celebrity win Celebrity BB. Though actually, even if Barrymore wins, that's still a non-celebrity winning.

Chantelle Predictions: Having won, she will have one single (hit or miss) under her fictitious band name, before either dwindling into obscurity or appearing every so often in male magazines with her tits out.

Dennis Rodman. Apparantly he was an American NBA basketball star. Ok, so Endemol dont just have problems finding real celebrities, but those they do find aren't even British. Well happy dappy doo dahs...

Dennis Predictions: Back to the obscurity from whence you came!

Faria, who is famous for sleeping with Sven-Goran Eriksson (i think). So, let me get this straight. I could attain minor celebrity status and an appearance on a chavtastic Channel 4 programme just by having sex with someone more famous than I? Though, with my lack of fame, I'd probably have to go at the Queen to elevate myself enough.

Faria Predictions: Most likely will appear in magazines like Pick Me Up (TRASH) talking of her escapades, before trying and failing to publish an autobiography.

There are so many things wrong with this man being in that house I can't even start. As a respectable (get it?) MP he should be out there trying to force us to live in this country grudgingly under laws, not pretending to be a fecking cat! What's next? Dubya on 'I'm a Celebrity'? Cherie in 'The Salon'? Urgh

George Predictions: He will choke and he will die. You saw it here first.

Ooh, finally someone I've heard of! Pity it's Jodie Marsh, rival to Jordan, the two biggest pair of tits with the two biggest pairs of tits. I have coined the phrase for this type of overly large breasted-tanned up slapper to be "Fruitbowl", due to a high volume of melons with a healthy coating of orange. However, this little Essex tart made a bit of a muck up of her appearance in the house after getting pretty well and truly harrassed by the rest of the housemates, reducing her to an almost total breakdown and plenty of tears. Ah, how i laughed...

Jodie Predictions: She'll carry on doing what she was doing. Unfortunatly...

Every series has at least one of these. The one housemate who can actually be close to being described as a total legend. This man claims this crown for many reasons, most prominantly due to the fact he's Welsh. The Welsh, as we all know are the providers of many sources of total awesome, probably because of Herbert. Plus, he takes the piss out of Chavrap. Hats off to the Maggotman!

Maggot Predictions: Chavs will buy GLC's albums, not aware that they are being ridiculed by it.

The sheer marketing genius of allowing this man into a house filled with drunken strangers with a swimming pool outside could only have been perpertrated by a true mastermind of the horribly ironic. Kudos to that man.

Michael Predictions: Close to Chantelle to win I would say. Simply 'cos then there'll be a public outcry and he gets to go back to court.

Big Brother series 2 (the only one i watched with much enthusiasm) was notorious for the inclusion of a fishtank. Many shots of the day would be intersected by a cut to the fish happily at play. I think there were even penalties if the fish died, and I even remember the winner sitting on his own in the house, clearing up and feeding the fish in his final moments. It seems this year the producers decided to let that fish, now all grown up from the guppy he once was, actually be a contestant! Ah, i kid i kid, this guy was truly 80's in a way only equalled by Boy George. And if only for being on the Wedding Singer soundtrack, I can accept this Pachyderm as a celebrity... 20 years ago...

Pete Predictions: Probably a re-release of Spin Me Round, which noone will buy because they'll either just download it or will already own it from when it was first cool.

Preston. Lead Singer of The Ordinary Boys. Altogether now... WHO!?!!

Preston Predictions: Will continue to feed Nat's fetishes for crap singing. And will next week be featuring the our A Level piece. Joy.



Any guesses? No? Thought not...

And as if reality TV could get no worse... they go and do this...

'chard
Playing: Rez
Reading: 'A Storm of Swords' - George RR Martin
Listening to: 'Butterflies and Hurricanes' - Muse
Watching: Nowt
Annoyed with: Bb
Confused about: Cabbits
Mood: Lonely
Song currently stuck in head: 'How do you Sleep?' The Ordinary Boys
Favourite Song of the Minute: 'X&Y' - Coldplay