Ye Olde Mediaevyl (Bloggers) Banquet

Once upon a tyme, a tyme of such turmoille as wolvs and bearrs did rome the land wyth no fearre, a band of nable travelerres sett forrth on a queste for truthe, ryghteousnesse and a damnéd fyne knees-uppe. Upone the bankes of that greate Riverre Cam, thay settled fore the nightte in an olde Tavern. Fore twas the nyght that destynies werre sealled, dealyngs werre uncoverede, and fun was had. And nowe, does the story of thatt nyght unfolde...

And so wrote that noble (nable) scholar Sir Ludwig Von Chard the Indestructable and Pretty Darn Swish. Unfortunately, much of this journal was lost in the Great Fire of London in 1667. Which was slightly more minor than the one in 1666, only causing the destruction of a poorly constructed semi-detached and a holidaying penguin (who got his feathers a little singed and sued the mayor for £3 before making his way back to his homeland where he promptly became fire chief, before they realised it was damn hard trying to get ice to catch fire...). However, this is not the story of what happened to that penguin. Thanks to recent discoveries in the excavation beneath the British Museum (which may not be actually happening. Beep.) we are now able to have a greater insight into what happened that night. We were most fortunate to discover that Sir Ludwig happened to be in possession of a digital camera for some reason, and so we also have a photographic representation of this fateful night, along with his own commentary from his journal, with filler bull where appropriate by the me. And now, let us go back and visit that Cambridge Tavern, back in the depths of time, back where there was a roaring fire, a tankard and merry conversation for all...

Who?

So who were these 'nable travelerres', who were in search of that epic 'knees-uppe'? Here, we insult Ludwig's prologue, which links to portraits of the appropriate.:

Herre arre writtene the wordes of that noted scholarre
Sir Ludvige; Son of Laurance, Earle of Dartmoore,
On occasione of his journeye to Cam Bridge.

I complette this tayle here, withe the dayes complete.
All have returnede to theyr abodes and homelandes,
All as I rememberre them. And here it is I do name them,
Those wyth whome I was fated to spend a time,
Those to whome I owe a grate stay.

Fore the Crowne and Nobility:
Queen Sarah of The Darke Realme,
With her Wizard of Darke Magicks, Richard of Kent.
Queen Kirsten of The Kingdom of Light
Lord Yang and Lady Oxenham of Chatworth House
Sir Lobsterlot, Knight of the Realms
The Earl and Countess of Crawford and Balcarres:
Sir Steven Banfield and Lady Rose Mackworth-Young.
And also Princess Helen, Heir to the Dark Throne
Withe her Page, Richard of the House Lewis

Fore the Common Man:
Toby Belch, a common drunkarde,
Hane Maung; Barkeepe, Hoste, Cooke and Venerated Mastere of the Harpsichorde,
Jon, Mastere of Time
Ollivandenne, Comediane and Jester

Such fine companye no man can repeat,
A gallantte companye of friendshipes many,
And emnities few.

And so the journal officially begins, after a few more contextual introductory notes (which from fragments we see to be a shopping list, a list of things to do with a spare piece of string and a score table for 'Up and Down the River'). The journey ran some time between October and December, as Ludwig mentions the weather as 'inhospitable and of bountiful frost', though the year and exact date are not recorded. The journal entries between the start of the journey and the journey's end are curiously far apart, so it is fair to assume that the journey took many days (which, from Kent to Cambridge is very possible, even by coach)

On the third day of the journey Ludwig indulges in providing us with a little commentary of some of the travellers, an insight not to be overlooked when dealing with the relationships and personalities of the group. A most interesting coupling of note is Sir Steven Banfield and the Wizard, Richard of Kent, (see above) whom Ludwig seems to hold in severely high regard after an incident involving a pack of marauding bandits. What we can discern from the few scraps of the pages we have is that somewhere along the road the group were accosted by members of that notable guild of thieves 'Burrberrus Chavus'. At least 12 were confronted by the magicks of the Dark Wizard Chard, who succeeded in turning them into something vaguely reminiscient of the Primordial Soup, whilst Steve combined the power of his swordsmanship and legendary Bish powers to combat a veritable score of Chavs. Ollivandenne also was skiled in the sword, though apparantly his oneliners left a little to be desired:

"At the hewwing of the Cavvs skulle, he did proclaime to the Heavens a query of the effectes his actiones woulde have on guilde hede counte. The mirthe leveles werre lowe, and Ollivanden did clean the latrines that even."

At any rate, the company made it to Cambridge, and after a walk down the river side, through the smokey moors and past the eccentric inventor Grimvlad's house, who had created "the horseless carriage of the duds" they entered the Tavern were they were to stay.

-

Amazingly, two portraits from the tavern survive even to this day. One of it's proprietor Hane and another of thetavern's most frequent resident, Toby Belch (whom it is widely believed was the origination for the Twelth Night character, as Toby was a cousin of Sir Edmund Shakespar, who is of direct parentage to the bard. It can be assumed tales were told in that family). It had a reputation for good food, good ale, a lobster phone, and damn fine company, even if there was a bizarre fixing on the lightbulb, a bizarre portrait depicting sisterly love and evidence of a Time Lord (possibly Jon) on the Harpsichord

The evening was racuous, with Lord Yang donning a lampshade while the ladies donned their evening garments, while even Sir Banfield donned a cape and turtle for the evening. However, eventually the feast began, with the true Frenchman Hane cutting the meat that was to be devoured hungrily. However, not all were at amazingly chuffed at this, as Ludwig chronicles:

"Loud yet slye were the eviles from the Quens and Page. Quoteth they theire morales of no fleshe eating, yet mostly ignoréde they were, as they had their own foode to enjoy, as did we."

Vegetarianism in those days? Heavens. However, there was always the fun of chocolate fondue to be had, before sleep.

-

As it turned to morning, the company awoke, with Ollivandenne and Rose looking the most shattered, while Queen Sarah didn't awake for ages as Richard and Princess Helen played Chess and Hane compared... sizes...

Then we all came home, the transition between styles during this post came to an end, I realised how unfunny I was being, and left you all alone.


Night all, and just remember: FEET!!!