When last we left the intrepid Ted he was no longer the bee he was remembered as by his hive mates. Yesterday we saw him as a weak, pathetic figure. We saw how he trained with the flies to make himself stronger ( and I skillfully avoided the 'little grasshopper' pun) and how he met the kindly farmer, who told him of the invasion of the wasps

Mimi says:
I don't it...

We watched in awe as he sped forth to battle the wasps, fashioning weapons from foliage as he had been taught, and saving the bee Ted from his slavery

Mimi says:
I still don't get it

We saw hundreds of XBOX360 buyers left disappointed as Microsoft decided to piss everyone off in time for Christmas. We saw the fog get even worse, and the weather get colder. But that was the tale of yestere'en

Mimi says:
Please explain the grasshopper pun

Tonight we focus on the remainder of his story, and the valiant battle for the hive, as well as pointing out to the esteemed reader that she really needs to watch the Karate Kid, cos thats a damn good film and would stoip her going on about the grasshoppers, when it is in fact a really pointless part of the tale

Mimi says:
Ah, so it's about a film I haven't watched! I don't think I can be expected to understand that

However, never being one to shy from pointlessness, i shall explain. The KArate Kid's mentor, Mr Miyagi would refer to the small thing as "Little Grasshopper". The pun works cos teds small and an insect. And so, at the end of this prologue, the narrator begins with Ted surrounded by thousands of wasps, facing certain loss in combat. And also telling Sarah to sit down and SHUT UP!!!

Mimi says:
«I remains silent»

You'd better... Ahem, anyway.

Ted and Ted looked at each other with a buzzed panic in their antennae. The Wasps hovered ominously above them, their low humming sounding through the trees n exactly the same way that a lawnmower suspended from a branch would. At the very moment however, when all seemed lost, the farmer burst through the wall of wasps, a lawnmower in hand, beekeeping equipment covering him, cutting a swathe through the tyrannical beasts. Ted and Ted looked at each other, and with a shrill BZZT of delight they shot forward through the cloud of confused wasps.

On and on they flew, through low leaves, over thick boughs, several wasps still hot in pursuit of the pair. Ted glanced over his shoulder and slowed to a hover, while the other Ted shot forward into the hollow of a tree. Ted raised the blade of grass and yelled at the wasps his challenge; "Back Vespidae!" (what Ted lacked in brawn, he made up for in brain.Though he of course now has brawn also, so the statement is a little nulled by this point in the narrative.)

There where 7 wasps in total in the chase, but 5 decided at this point that turning back, flying to the hive and putting their feet up would actually be quite a nice idea this time on a sunday afternoon. The remaining two laughed a shrill and waspish laugh at Ted's feeble words and slowly advanced. Ted steadied his grip on the Grass Blade and raised it above his head with two hands, whilst the other two held the leaf shield ready at his side (bees have 4 arms, two legs, remember?).

The Wasps, which were incidentally called Laura and Sarah, (Females as workers remember, plus since these wasps wont be around much longer to worry about having much of an identity I can afford to pointlessly give them names. Parallels to the Jearums are purely coincidental.) shot forward, stings raised, ready and sharp. Ted raised the shield high, but the sharp needle point of the sting peirced the thin material and stuck. With his spare arm he held tight to the smooth shaft, pinning the wasp to the shield. She flailed wildly and gnashed her jaws, but behind the shield Ted was still out of reach. The other wasp swung in, and Ted blindly waved the Grass Blade, hearing the shrill screech of grass on carapace that signalled a hit. The wasp span out, it wing crumpled and fell into a clump of leaves under a root of a giant oak.

Ted looked the other wasp in the eye and winked. The wasp thrashed angrily, but could not get free from Ted's grip. Ted raised the sword and slapped the flat across the head of the wasp, and it fell dow to the ground next to her partner. Both now had amnesia, hence the not having to worry about identity. I know how to keep a story family friendly.

Ted strapped the sword and shield to his back, and flew into the hollow, where a low yet voluminous buzz of many many bees emanated...

-
Ted's not doing too bad for himself is he?
Proper post tomorrow, and maybe more Ted if i find my muse.

Oh, and happy birthday in -2 minutes Helen. And good luck with the haircut Sarah :)

A lovely story for you (plus audience participation)

Once upon a time there was a little bee called Ted. Ted was a small bee, and was always finding it hard to fit in with the other bee's in the hive. One day, the queen asked one of the drones to find her a worker how could carry the heaviest loads of honey from cell to cell all day without stoppping. All the young bees were very excited by this, and spent the next few days making themselves as strong as they could so that they could have a chance at being picked. Ted knew he'd never be picked however, and sat in hus little wax house crying little buzzing cries, wishing he were big and tough and strong like the other bees. "There's no point sitting there moping, Ted" his mother would say. "If you want to be big and strong you have to earn it, like the others". So Ted got up, and flew out of the hive, determined to find his strength somewhere. he started collected little bits of pollen from flowers, working with heavier and heavier loads until he could pick up as much as they other bees. One day, as he was resting on the leaf of an agapanthus, a gang of flies flew past and landed on the same plant. "Hello there little bee" they said. "What are you doing today?". "Making myself strong so i can work in the hive" said Ted .Then, at that very moment, Helen came back, and the story drew to an abrupt but happy ending.

Endless enthusiasm says:
aaaaaaaaaw!
Well that was nice... says:
Sorry about that
Well that was nice... says:
got bored
Endless enthusiasm says:
oh its so cute!
Endless enthusiasm says:
oh wait carry on with the story i have to peel potatoes
Well that was nice... says:
ok

However, as it turned out, Helen had to go and peel potatoes. Ted was taken back to the Flie's house where they helped him become strong and tough like the other bees. After another day, ted decided to return to the hive, and waved a buzzy farewell to the flies. "Goodbye flies" he said. "Goodbee" they punned, and fell about buzzing to themselves as Ted flew out of sight. Eventually, Ted grew tired of flying, and so sat on a garden wall to rest for the reaminder of the journey. He pulled a book out of his satchel, sat back and began to read.Eventually he fell into a deep sleep. "Snore - buzz- snore - buzz" he went all through the night. he was so fast asleep he didnt notice the gardener come out early next morning until he sat right next to Ted on the wall. "Well I never" thought the gardener. "What's such a small bee like this doing lying fast asleep on my garden wall?". He picked up a small twig and gently poked ted in the side. "snore- buzz- snore HM?" Ted woke with a buzz and looked up at the giant of the gardener. "H-hello" he buzzed. "hello there, are you lost? I dont recall seeing a nest around here for a few miles" "Oh no" said ted. "My hive is very far away, miles and miles and miles i should think, in the roof of an old shed in the woods". the gardener, who since the author keeps writing as farmer accidentally will now be referred to as a farmer, scratched his cheek with his glove thoughtfully "Oh aye I know the one, but I dont recall seeing a bee's nest in there... Last i looked there was nowt but wasps living in that there shed" the farmer mused in his recently found country accent. "W-WOPS?!" shrieked Ted

Endless enthusiasm says:
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Endless enthusiasm says:
wasps???

"Oh yes. Would probably be best for you to get back there quick little bee, and probably best for this sentence not to needlessly shatter the fourth wall by nodding dramatically at helen" the farmer said whilst nodding dramatically at the webcam window that had appeared. "I cant go back if there are wasps around!" said Ted. "They're worse than the worst bully's i ever met! Oh, if only i was much bigger and stronger and..."

Endless enthusiasm says:
oh poor ted!

Ted thought back to the time with the flies, realised he was acually stronger, dodged a lot of lengthy exposition, thanked the farmer and buzzed off. Literally. "good bye Ted!" said the farmer, who was evidently reading the narration to have known the bees name. "Good luck with the wasps!"

Endless enthusiasm says:
woooo!

Ted buzzed as fast as his little buzzy wings would buzz him. He came at last to the shed and hid behind a peble. Even ffrom here he could see the wasps flying in and out of the shed. "Oh what has become of my friends?" thought Ted sadly. He flew away sadly, until he heard an angry buzzing not far from him. He flew towards the sound, to find two wasps talking to a bee at a daffodil.

Endless enthusiasm says:
ooh

"Come on! Get a move on bee!" one wasp buzzed. "we needs us this honey quickly! the more we get, the faster we sell it and the RICHER we become!"

Endless enthusiasm says:
eeek

"So," thought Ted, "Thats their little game! They steal our hard earned honey and sell it to get rich! Well I can put a stop to this!" He flew to the ground and plucked a blade of grass and a small leaf from the dirt and flew to the wasps. "You let that bee go!" he cried, brandishing his grass sword

Endless enthusiasm says:
wow!
Endless enthusiasm says:
this is such a great story

The wasp just laughed however, and buzzed rather obscenely in ted's direction. Ted swung his grass sword and the wasp lost his sting!

Endless enthusiasm says:
go ted!

Howling with rage, the wasp (by now curiously emasculated) flew back to the hive, closely followed by his companion. Ted buzzed the obligatory one liner, and told the other bee to fashion weapons such as his. Suddenly, the air was thick with buzzing, and THOUSANDS of wasps came flying through the trees, the stingless one at the head of the company. Ted buzzed a small eep, looking at the countless fierce yellow and black angry faces in front of him

Endless enthusiasm says:
oh no!
Endless enthusiasm says:
he eeped!
Endless enthusiasm says:
things must be bad

The narrator considered his audience with a scathing look for a second

Endless enthusiasm says:
what?
Endless enthusiasm says:
why?

Ted and the other bee (coincidentally also called Ted. Which is silly to have them both with males names since all bee drones are female anyway) looked at each other...

-
And at that point the story stopped. I'll finish it with tomorrows blog (or thursday's. depends on theatre) which will involve Camden, Jimmy Carr and attempted stabbings.

Narrator Chard

Ye Olde Mediaevyl (Bloggers) Banquet

Once upon a tyme, a tyme of such turmoille as wolvs and bearrs did rome the land wyth no fearre, a band of nable travelerres sett forrth on a queste for truthe, ryghteousnesse and a damnéd fyne knees-uppe. Upone the bankes of that greate Riverre Cam, thay settled fore the nightte in an olde Tavern. Fore twas the nyght that destynies werre sealled, dealyngs werre uncoverede, and fun was had. And nowe, does the story of thatt nyght unfolde...

And so wrote that noble (nable) scholar Sir Ludwig Von Chard the Indestructable and Pretty Darn Swish. Unfortunately, much of this journal was lost in the Great Fire of London in 1667. Which was slightly more minor than the one in 1666, only causing the destruction of a poorly constructed semi-detached and a holidaying penguin (who got his feathers a little singed and sued the mayor for £3 before making his way back to his homeland where he promptly became fire chief, before they realised it was damn hard trying to get ice to catch fire...). However, this is not the story of what happened to that penguin. Thanks to recent discoveries in the excavation beneath the British Museum (which may not be actually happening. Beep.) we are now able to have a greater insight into what happened that night. We were most fortunate to discover that Sir Ludwig happened to be in possession of a digital camera for some reason, and so we also have a photographic representation of this fateful night, along with his own commentary from his journal, with filler bull where appropriate by the me. And now, let us go back and visit that Cambridge Tavern, back in the depths of time, back where there was a roaring fire, a tankard and merry conversation for all...

Who?

So who were these 'nable travelerres', who were in search of that epic 'knees-uppe'? Here, we insult Ludwig's prologue, which links to portraits of the appropriate.:

Herre arre writtene the wordes of that noted scholarre
Sir Ludvige; Son of Laurance, Earle of Dartmoore,
On occasione of his journeye to Cam Bridge.

I complette this tayle here, withe the dayes complete.
All have returnede to theyr abodes and homelandes,
All as I rememberre them. And here it is I do name them,
Those wyth whome I was fated to spend a time,
Those to whome I owe a grate stay.

Fore the Crowne and Nobility:
Queen Sarah of The Darke Realme,
With her Wizard of Darke Magicks, Richard of Kent.
Queen Kirsten of The Kingdom of Light
Lord Yang and Lady Oxenham of Chatworth House
Sir Lobsterlot, Knight of the Realms
The Earl and Countess of Crawford and Balcarres:
Sir Steven Banfield and Lady Rose Mackworth-Young.
And also Princess Helen, Heir to the Dark Throne
Withe her Page, Richard of the House Lewis

Fore the Common Man:
Toby Belch, a common drunkarde,
Hane Maung; Barkeepe, Hoste, Cooke and Venerated Mastere of the Harpsichorde,
Jon, Mastere of Time
Ollivandenne, Comediane and Jester

Such fine companye no man can repeat,
A gallantte companye of friendshipes many,
And emnities few.

And so the journal officially begins, after a few more contextual introductory notes (which from fragments we see to be a shopping list, a list of things to do with a spare piece of string and a score table for 'Up and Down the River'). The journey ran some time between October and December, as Ludwig mentions the weather as 'inhospitable and of bountiful frost', though the year and exact date are not recorded. The journal entries between the start of the journey and the journey's end are curiously far apart, so it is fair to assume that the journey took many days (which, from Kent to Cambridge is very possible, even by coach)

On the third day of the journey Ludwig indulges in providing us with a little commentary of some of the travellers, an insight not to be overlooked when dealing with the relationships and personalities of the group. A most interesting coupling of note is Sir Steven Banfield and the Wizard, Richard of Kent, (see above) whom Ludwig seems to hold in severely high regard after an incident involving a pack of marauding bandits. What we can discern from the few scraps of the pages we have is that somewhere along the road the group were accosted by members of that notable guild of thieves 'Burrberrus Chavus'. At least 12 were confronted by the magicks of the Dark Wizard Chard, who succeeded in turning them into something vaguely reminiscient of the Primordial Soup, whilst Steve combined the power of his swordsmanship and legendary Bish powers to combat a veritable score of Chavs. Ollivandenne also was skiled in the sword, though apparantly his oneliners left a little to be desired:

"At the hewwing of the Cavvs skulle, he did proclaime to the Heavens a query of the effectes his actiones woulde have on guilde hede counte. The mirthe leveles werre lowe, and Ollivanden did clean the latrines that even."

At any rate, the company made it to Cambridge, and after a walk down the river side, through the smokey moors and past the eccentric inventor Grimvlad's house, who had created "the horseless carriage of the duds" they entered the Tavern were they were to stay.

-

Amazingly, two portraits from the tavern survive even to this day. One of it's proprietor Hane and another of thetavern's most frequent resident, Toby Belch (whom it is widely believed was the origination for the Twelth Night character, as Toby was a cousin of Sir Edmund Shakespar, who is of direct parentage to the bard. It can be assumed tales were told in that family). It had a reputation for good food, good ale, a lobster phone, and damn fine company, even if there was a bizarre fixing on the lightbulb, a bizarre portrait depicting sisterly love and evidence of a Time Lord (possibly Jon) on the Harpsichord

The evening was racuous, with Lord Yang donning a lampshade while the ladies donned their evening garments, while even Sir Banfield donned a cape and turtle for the evening. However, eventually the feast began, with the true Frenchman Hane cutting the meat that was to be devoured hungrily. However, not all were at amazingly chuffed at this, as Ludwig chronicles:

"Loud yet slye were the eviles from the Quens and Page. Quoteth they theire morales of no fleshe eating, yet mostly ignoréde they were, as they had their own foode to enjoy, as did we."

Vegetarianism in those days? Heavens. However, there was always the fun of chocolate fondue to be had, before sleep.

-

As it turned to morning, the company awoke, with Ollivandenne and Rose looking the most shattered, while Queen Sarah didn't awake for ages as Richard and Princess Helen played Chess and Hane compared... sizes...

Then we all came home, the transition between styles during this post came to an end, I realised how unfunny I was being, and left you all alone.


Night all, and just remember: FEET!!!

Announcement

And now, a word form my girlfriend. I accept no responsibility for what she wrote, and as such I have turned off comments. Dont really want them. More me written fun tomorrow.


EXCITING NEWS!

After many months of plotting and subterfuge, Date My Sister Project 4 has finally come to fruition! Over the past few months, Richard and I (although mainly me) have done our utmost to bring these two young lovebirds together, and now that they finally are, we can reveal how we brought about the conception of this wonderful relationship. As soon as I met Richard Lewis, it was clear to me that his heart was pining for someone. Someone who understood him, someone who would find his jokes funny, and his pedanticism endearing. It quickly became clear to me that this person was, in fact, my sister. Shortly after I announced the beginning of DMSP4, I introduced the two of them online, on the pretense that "Helen needed experience in talking to boys". They hit it off straight away, and by the time of their first meeting at the BlogBQ, which I must now admit was not entirely set up for the noble cause of introducing all bloggers to each other, but was, in fact, a tool by which I could bring these two together they had become good friends. All went well at the BlogBQ, Helen gave Richard Lewis some tomato ketchup and sugar and they played Mao sitting next to each other. Already the romance was starting to blossom This continued at the BlogBQ Mark 2, when Richard, unable to bear being separated from his beloved Helen for one moment longer, rushed out of the BlogBQ to find her and bring her to it. As this photo demonstrates, the love between them was almost visible. The next weekend, I could tell they wanted to see each other again, but were too shy to say anything so I arranged a "party" to which, unbeknownst to them, they were the only ones invited Richard and I turned up a little way into the "party" and watched Plan 9 from Outer Space with them, whilst they snuggled up on the other sofa. DMSP4 was progressing beautifully! By now, they were arranging meetings under their own steam. The following weekend they went to a debating competition together. The next weekend, after Richard had slighted our family, Helen and I turned up at Richard's house and planted a horse's head on his pillow; the chemistry between them was palpable. Then came Richard's birthday party (which I encouraged him to have), to which, obviously, he invited Helen At this point, the developing couple became even more independant. I had gone off to Oxford, leaving them to their own devices, and they started seeing each other in secret, even concealing it from me! They started going out officially the next weekend, after going to see Wyrd Sisters together; then went on a series of dates over the next few weekends They finally ended their deception this weekend at the Bloggers Banquet, and I am now happy to present to the world... Helen and Richard! Finally, a statement from the happy couple:

"The duplicity and secrecy were fun, but we were running out of alibis. We thank Sarah for bringing us together, and apologise to her for our lies when prsented with her good intentions. We are very happy."