A retrospective of the worst
"Picture 2005 as a much beloved friend who you caught deflowering your eldest daughter. You spent ages plotting his demise, despite forgiving him publicly and reaffirming your friendship. However, at the critical moment that the plan was to occur, and all was to look happy and rosy once more, the cad fled the town and took flight. So you spend a long, arduous, painful, traumatising time hunting him down, until finally you meet him again and butcher him rather messily with a long sword. But, he will just refuse to die, clinging onto your ankle in a rather pathetic way, but since he's still alive you still have a lot of anger to get rid of. So you just start kicking him. Hard. VERY hard. In fact, his skull has shattered, leaving his head with the consistency of a plastic Sainsbury's bag full of marshmallows, but still the bugger has the upper hand, as you discover that he's just edged over the country borders and theres not a damn thing you can do about him now. So, despite fighting back all you could, the memories and the scarring (both mental and physical) are now to last for the rest of time. But, he's out of the town, so at least you never have to see it again."
"You Can't Judge A Play By Its Title"
A year with bad latency
Eminently Artistic
"...here we present the study from Helen Oxenham MA:
This, like many of the more successful pieces of art created in these days of creative fluidity, is not just a pretty picture"
"A fine observation and a well structured critique. Translations please"
"Besides, I need something else besides a person I can hate without getting my knuckles all goopy"
Viral Disinfection
" SPELLING MISTAKE!!! THERE'S A GODDAMN SPELLING MISTAKE!!! ITS FAKE YOU EMO FUCKER!!!"
- "and you will loose...
- ...your bebo account within 12 days notice
- We will no because this message it tagged
- and we will keep checking our datebases for people that are deleting these messages
Pillage RapistX
"suddenly from up ahead a dark figure comes up to you and asks the time... coudl this man be a rapist?! Oh, if only you hadn't left the mace/gun/grenade/axe on the side when you left for the party!"
Neologilistic
"Aquafelixaphobia
Medical, n
The bizarrely disquieting feeling only attained by having a cat watch you as you shower "
Orwellian Facsimile
"Is this such a world devoid of these iconic Adonii and Venii (funky pluralisation) named 'celebrities' that on a reality show where we expose their foibles, they actually have to go and invent a fake one? And actually have that as her hook? And see how far she can go to convince the rest of the housemates she's honest? Channel 4 has hit on a winner here. However, the REAL problem with her is this: in a world where many people hold celebrities as role models and insiprations for action and style, why is she, the fake, the best looking one in there?"
Spitting venom
"With the introduction of the uber cards,traditional games have been made exceedingly hilarious simply with the addition of these cards to the ranks. Uber Hearts, Uber Trumps, even Uber Category Snap. But there was one game that was truly going to be needed to be played, if the A4 monstrosities were to be truly tested. Tested to the MAX! The game was to be spit, but who could truly handle a game of Spit with cards the weight of an excercise book, yet still keep the speed and frenetic nature of the game intact?"
"
We are in the drama studio, WHERE WE ARE PERFORMING, and as we are setting out to start work, Mrs Johnson (bitch) comes in, claims she has a dance lesson in the room on Fridays (bullshit, we've had no drama lessons anywhere but the studio for the last 5 weeks) and sends US out of OUR space over a YEAR FUCKING EIGHT DANCE LESSON?! Urg, that woman boils my fucking blood. What the hell makes her think she has the right ot do that? We have an exam, 1 shot to do it, no retakes. She's only doing it because Pris wasn't in, and i am so telling her on monday. Sparks will fucking fly I tell you...
And to cap it off, what the fuck is wrong with women?!"
Communication Crisis
"Quietly, the Nokia 2650 stalks out into the undergrowth. The BT Synergy 2110, busy with it's feed, does not notice the predator only centimeters away"
February (7 posts)
Legality for my ex-wife
"The highlight of the introduction of peoples stage was perhaps the arrival of Rob Matt Dave and Chris, who had brought with them a gift of almost titanic proportions: a jar of pickled onions, a box of mince, some cheese and prawns in some sort of squirty tube, a jar of powdered fish and "Bernard", who turned out to be a gutted rainbow trout, which then found its way around the populace quite fast., even turning into a flying fish as it soared over a large crowd to land in the middle of the hall, to much mixed laughter and EEWs. The other moment of hilarity was the arrival of nick, was was heralded by the sound of an airhorn, Rob's girlish shriek and all the poeple who were by the door jumping back by about a foot. Ah, a fun evening it was, and even as we were walking home the hilarity and ASBO related activities never ceased (stolen trees/spongebobs and stops by police making themselves known)"
Annuality
"As a young boy, 'chard grew in the seedy backwaters of West Wickham (hereafter referred to as 'TMON'). Rooting through bins for sustenance and nutrition, his only friends were another street urchin named Jon and a small ball of rolled up socks he affectionatly referred to as "Bimbob the Wise""
"The cube began to melt in 'chard's hand, spreading out over his hand, covering it in the same orange sheen. 'chard gasped, and screamed as the world vanished into a white light.
When 'chard awoke, he stood at the door to a brave new world, born of his own hand, which had been destroyed by the cube. THus, the new world was named Slightly 'chard.. and 'chard, as the gatekeeper of this world, has grown in power... and the time is fast approaching when he will return..."
A Link to Ocarina's Princess
"Friday Statistics:
Amount of Games played: 9
Time at Rob's: 23 hours
Time spent playing games: 22 hours
Consoles used: 2 (N64/GC)
Players: 6
Food: Junk, Bagels and Pizza
Drink: 4 litres of Pepsi and about 2 crates of beer
Health value of food: 0%
Sleep: 0 seconds
Pointlessness: Lots
Fun had: Far too much
To be done again?: Definitely"
Neologismality
"Vnuc
Affectionate, v
A show of affection or friendship, embodied and performed by the catapulting of the giver's body through the air, landing upon the reciever. Usually performed across great distances (eg, from a University down to London and/or back again.)"
Heroically Inebriated
"Suddenly, into the fray come several streaks of red light. Far in the distance, the noble warriors see the wonderful sight of copyright infringement in action!"
"The abode of the Matt was the venue for some rather drunken moments of interest. Spend time with the mother which was cool, ranted stupidly at people, tunred others emo, and got to watch Rob and Matt... "enjoy themselves". Ah twas all fun."
March (5 posts)
Musicalality
"BRAiNFREEZE, the combined force of the musical talents of Chris Champion, Tom Gail, Jamie Rostant and Liam Riordan, all sublimely erotic young gentlemen. I'm totally straight, ok."
". And the sex they were, belting out such classics as Dark Secrets, Black Soul, Radiation Burns, Humpty Dumpty,and even some new additions to the proceeding such as the lovingly titled 'Epic', and the amazing half time entertainment of Chris throwing a drumstick at Jamie's head and the band forcing Sean the Prefabricated into a stage dive."
"MUCH fun was had with one member of the crowd. Rob and in fact most of the group were scared of this... creature. Imagine an obese sperm whale in a wig. Now imagine it having sex with your grandparents. It was THAT revolting"
"After a quick few minutes of talkage and conspiring about exactly what was going on behind the door of the gents (eventually agreeing on a trapdoor that led into the Ladies that changed your gender as you entered), we left and entered the Forum"
Blissful poking
"I recently asked my bessie mates round for a game of poker. However, we soon got into a massive fight and it all went wrong! I felt totally gutted, and we're so not talking any more. Could I be pregnant?""
"Jon meets Lewis and the two are talking about such wonderful things as the weather, horses, zorses, and how phenominally STRAIGHT 'chard is (totally in contrast with our questionable bliss photographer)."
"The problem here is easily solved. Use the horse cards next time. And no, you couldn't be pregnant you repulsive preteen..."
ASHLEY'S GAY!!!
"This wierd weekend has actually only been wierd becuase of one deciding factor: I've actually done things. While usually my weekend involves me sitting here spewing out immense amounts of random crap on MSN to you wonderful chaps (and nonchaps more likely) I actually spent almost ALL or this 2 day stretch doing things of various consequence."
"We couldn't find anything in Clarks, though we did have a good old larf at the "Buy One Get One Free" stand, which is only really funny if you knew that there was only 1 shoe on display and the very nature of there being a PAIR of shoes. Ah hilairty"
"The main highlights of the evening were Paul getting completely wasted (this being the first night of serious drinking for him) and Ashley being a cheating little shit:"
"I also researched the paperclip, which was bloody interesting."
Genesis 4:24
"BRAiNFREEZE were the starter, since there was minimal moshing and only slight volume. Lacuna Coil were the main course, offering the volume, atmosphere and venue. Dido and Aeneas offered none of those (not being food) but was still a fun part of the cycle. Comalies was something enduring, with the initial sweetness leaving a lasting freshness, despite not being as filling as the real thing. And as for the haemorraging? Oh yeh baby!"
"We met Guy and after a very crowded tube ride (goth sluts and jewish businessmen in the same carriage. Meaty) we got off (the tube) at Kentish Town and made our way to the Forum"
"After passing one vomiting man (took him the length of the queue to get that drunk. Think his name was Pallo)"
"Amazing song, which me Matt and Nick linked arms and swayed along, belting the lines back at M (now shadeless. Sexy mother fucker!)"
"I staved off the discomfort of sock travel by stuffing the sock with the Metro"
Neologist
"WIAGAR
Irritant, Acronym
When I Am Good And Ready. Used in the defence of one who is being pestered by another to complete a task, such as reading a book or posting on an RP. (See also: IAGAR, GAR, WYAGAR)"
April (7 posts)
Look COCKFACE! You're all big now! You've grown up!
"After that was a celebratory meal with Jon Dave Matt Rob Tom Liam Chris and I, and then the group sans Jon (who had taken off in the Aubergine Avenger)and Chris went to the Railway and enjoyed the sumptuous delights of H2SO4. Or whatever it is."
"Most of the day was spent playing pictionary on Stanton's board and Category Snap. After deciding that the rest of the day was going to be a morbid waste of space and time, Steve Jon and I sped off to respective homes"
Music to live by
"Will I ever have children?
Drowned and Torn Asunder- Trivium (Master Anakin, there's too many...)"
"What song will play at my funeral?
Tattered and Torn - Slipknot (Along with my kids I suppose?!)
What type of men/women do I like?
You Can Have It All - Kaiser Chiefs (NOT GAY!!!)
What is my day going to be like?
Come Cover Me - Nightwish (NOT GAY!! NOT GAY!!!)"
Taking love for Granted
"Ever noticed ALL romantic comedies are basically the same film? Even Shakespeare knew this when he milked sources for R+J. So, I have here the definitive reference guide to all the codes conventions and clichés of this marvellous genre I am far too susceptible too."
Blogging up to 11
"And if you're coming to Twelfth Night, we're on 3rd on the 27th and 2nd on the 28th. Tickets on sale through school or me if you give me the cash. Don't worry, as much as it's flamboyantly theatrical, it will be noticably lacking in the Great Guiseppe"
"There is nothing better for my mood than relaxing back on the internet, with music at Disaster Area levels and only become tolerable if you leave the building"
A reign of spoons
"Collective nouns seem strange to me. Ok, I get some of the obvious ones, but wheres the logic behind 'a murder of crows'? Who came up with 'a tedium of golfers'? So, in true cynic style, I decided that obviously what had happened was that people had taken the subject, and randomly scanned the dictionary for a word to match"
Wii are not amused
"The only good thing about it is that, yes the jokes ARE endless. Cream of the crop being "Wii will break down that wall that separates game players from everybody else".
Meh. Who am I to complain? I share a name with a Swiss Vegetable. I suppose Nintendo are right when they say:
"...it's really not about you or me. It's about Wii. And together, Wii will change everything."Dropping my stomach
"Far too nice for my own good. Meaning if i don't like you i'm gonna have to bitch behind your back. Not that I do much, I try and like everyone. Always end up copying others's foibles and mannerisms to ingratiate myself, to the point where the advice 'be yourself' is fecking pointless since I don't have a myself."
"Girls are amazing creatures. I love the female gender, becuase they're amazing listeners, can bring out the best in me, are ALL beautiful both outside and in, smell nicer than men, and are just as much of a laugh. However, get too emotional, clingy, crazy, possessive or start trying to run MY life how YOU think I should, and you will be the only person to see me at my worst."
"Favourite non-metal: Helen"
"according to Rachel my amazing skill is being able to wear tracksuit trousers without looking lke a chav. Score!"
May (2 posts)
Denouement
"If any of you arent so familiar with what happens in Twelfth Night, basic plot is that 2 twins are seperated, and the girl goes to work for this duke who she falls in love while he sends her off to chat up the girl he likes, who in turn falls in love with the girl twin, until the boy twin comes along, gets mistaken for the girl twin by the dukes girl, and they all have an orgy, during which Shakespearian scholars from Mars come to the village and take the Duke hostage. The twins then fuse together to produce some giant uber powerful anime type thing and fight the aliens, while trained monkeys are dancing on trapezes above the stage. It all ends when a giant Rhino called reginald come on stage demanding to get a job as a tailor, and (shakespeare being shakespeare) makes many many dirty jokes about horns, at which point the duke gets with the monkeys, the twins have triplets and the dukes girl turns into a pot of Jam."
"Ashley doing what he does worst: Acting"
"Ah, good times. Last ever performance at LPBS :'(... I'm sad now..
But still, W00t! The Leaver's Ball!"
"Seriously, how does this guy [me] NOT spend all day in the slavery of viciously horny women?"
"Chris!!! Legend!"
"Ash!!! Gay!"
"Butterworth looks like a forlorn puppy"
"Tables!!! TABLES!!! HOT PISS!!"
Souply Scientific
"So, in this scientifically minded post, I attempt to disprove the folly that is the Serving Suggestion and the product description...
...of the humble Cup-a-Soup It was that wise and northern philosopher Peter Kay that first uttered the eternal admission that 'noone dares make cup a soup in a bowl'. Well, since I am currently struck down with tonsillitus, and Steve insisted i don't waste my time while slacking off without the ability to swallow without dying, I decided to do something worthwhile and harken back to my GCSE year science lessons"
"If serving Cup-A-Soup in a bowl is mad, then how can you serve soup in a slim?"
"Yes, I AM that bored."
June (4 posts)
Vitamin D
" There's only 3 things I thank the sun for: Nature, salads and female fashion."
Illumiérenating
"The Oscars!
Yes indeed was an evening much looked forward to by the entire cohort. After a long wait outside with free alcohol (being passed around by the years 12s! make them slaves work!)"
"I found myself sat next to a sex pest and a legend (ashley and louis respectively...ashley's gay)"
"ME!!! and dave. BUT ME!!! Woo! A well deserved rubber chicken me feels. Striking a blow for every person of colour, doing it for the children etc etc."
"But, what school function (read, excuse to get completely wasted) would be complete without that master of magic, the head himself, ol' Cheddar, decked out in his best bib and tucker!"
July (2 posts)
River of Thoughts
"Here's the deal. I've set a 52 minute timer on my phone (meaning it SHOULD go off at 5, in time for me to put the kettle on for mum and feed the cats) and during it's countdown im just gonna keep writing about everything and nothing. Hopefully it'll stave off the boredom and heat and maybe someone can read it later on and tell me exactly what's romg with me (Hane, fancy writing a book about me?) As I result the spelling may be inaccurate to a marginal degree cos I really dont want to read it again and edit it. May lead onto some nice freudian slips and indications on how much i need to practise my touch typing."
"After some interestingly convoluted travel arrangements and mixups involving oyster cards shower's and Calvin and Hobbes, I made it safe and sound to the abode of one David Chander MC. After the initial WTF's and OMG's over my hair which has actualy been cut for thiose who didnt know, so you'll have plenty of time to steel yourself for when you see it next, I sat and spectated the interesting game of MArio party 6 that was being played"
"Driving is fun. A lot more so now i don't have Jackie or the examiner brathing down my neck. I have only as yet hit one thing, a tree which went the wrong way druing a turn in the road. I've ferried 5 peoplearound so far, and almost last night managed to get rob to go through the windscreen doing an emergency stop while the cretin didnt have his seatbelt on. Fool"
"Must buy tape adaptior. Must get job. Must do lots of things really"
"my knee still hurts form when I fell over. From standing still. Sreouisly, never stop moving while drunk, it's far too dangerous..."
"Wihe i was driivng aimlessly around bromley/park langley ways, we were counted lucky ot have with us a copy of bohmeian rhapsody. Anyone who's ever seen any clip of Wayne's world will probably be able to make and educated gess at what happened next"
"My wrsits are actually starting to get all exammy. Is using a keyboard anymore strenuous athan usinga pen? imean, with a pen youactually have to grip it whereas a keyboard you arent really trensing anything. Or mayver thats the problme. I dunno, I'll aska piano teacher."
Bliss
"Sometimes life just works"
August (5 posts)
Goodbyeee...
"This is where we get ripped apart and left behind. It's how it works. And it's starting to piss me off."
Confusion in Time
"If they're trying to sell 0000 as the middle of the night, why is the time before it later than it?"
The longest 45 minutes
"Yes indeed! Today, the 27th August 2006 marks the 110th anniversary of the Anglo-Zanzibar War! What a wonderful thing it was, 45 minutes of nonstop shelling, blowing apart the better part of the harbour and slaughtering hundreds just to get at a Sultan they didn't like! Well, he was liked by the Germans I guess..."
Rawr
"This is one pussy you don't wanna fick wit'!"
September (6 posts)
Insensitivity
"With the tragic death of Steve Irwin finally sinking in, his family have now begun the preparations for their final goodbyes at his funeral. Already scheduled to play at this sombre event is Sting, who will be playing specially re-recorded versions of his hits, "Fortress Around Your Heart" and "Be Still My Beating Heart"."
Lust
"Until recently it has been a welcome and favourite feature of mine to connect said sexy device to the PC upon which this corresponce is being typed using the supplied DCU-60 USB cable, and with the almost magical ease having been able to transfer (electronically, mind you) data from the PC to said maturbatory aid, and back again from "the pleasurer" to the PC."
Prophetical
"SARAH IS A CHEAT!!!!"
Literary
"Jill Murphy's Worst Witch series, which was responsible not only for my current bookish nature but also for my acceptance of literature designed purely for girls. It's a guilty pleasure."
""Yo, dudes, just to let you know; that whole commandment thing about not killing people? Yeh, that should also mean 'Thou shalt not kill, even (or especially if) I or JC or any other diety or omnipotent force say you should. Cos, you know, it's written right there in plain Aramaic/Greek/Latin/KJV (whatever that is) 'Thou shalt NOT kill. Full stop. End of. In fact, can I just add in the 11th commandment? 'Verily, those that say I'm talking to them without me actually saying so (with burning bush and/or other miracle accompaniments) are very very delusional and should be taken into the proper care that they deserve. Cos, as forgiving a God as I am, those guys are just whacked in the head. Oh and this book is dedicated to Mary. Stand up girl, sorry I had to take off like that. Call me?'"
""WHAP AWESOME FIRST CHAPTER!! OMFG LIKE WHATS GONA HAPPEN EXCITEMENT EXCITEMENT possible weird bloke, but thats a subplot right... no...no thats actually the story... ok...this guy is nuts...this guy is annoying...that girl needs the 11th on her...this book is shit...""
October (8 posts)
Refreshingly positive
" To be fair, I'm sure when I look at this in years to come I'll think exactly the same (except no3 will be "I was SICKENINGLY emo...""
"SINGING OH GOD IT HAS SINGING!!!"
"Lunch is a cooking, and I'm deterrmined to at least get THAT right."
Finally Fantastic
"'m going to bore EVERYONE by saying a few words about all the FF's! AREN'T YOU LUCKY?!! (stop crying at the back there)"
"10 More Things Sarah Will Use In Court As Evidence of my Caddishness"
Prompt Me
"Today has been an odd day. And not just becuase I spelt today as topdaty"
"Long story short, at 7am (i can be up that early, who says I can't, leave me alone!) I plodded downstairs and let in said Caffiened Crusader, whence we proceeded to spend all the twilight hours in convivial conversation. Well, until about 8 when she had to leave (possibly completely confusing my parents all the while). So that was odd"
"Anyhoogan, I got to Nick's, said hi to Nick and Rachel (who weren't up yet, tsk tsk, some of us were up at 7!) and we then proceeded to watch Nick jumpstart his car (very fun) went and got popcorn, came back and watched both Airplane! films with lots of laughs from Nick and myself and the odd discernible snigger from Rachel. So that was odd."
Legal Age
""Heil Addy! So, made it to 40 then! Well, you know what they say! Life begins at 40 unless you're against der Ubermensch Ideal and thus are currently awaiting gassing in which case life ends Looong before then""
"Still, the news report does end with the boss of the company lightening with the jokey conclusion: " "We certainly still encourage the practice of buying cakes!""
Erm. Actually, no. Candles would break health and safety regulations for one thing. Also, what about allergies? NUTS MAN! And after all, there might be chocolate in that cake. And we all know that it coudl be dark chocolate, and you know who ate dark chocolate? HITLER THAT'S WHO! And not to mention DARK chocolate carries connotations of RACISM! RACIST! And whats that? There are numbers? In icing? NUMBERS SHOW AGE/AGE IS AGIST YOU FACIST!!"
Richtig
"1. Crying is blackmail"
November (4 posts)
Arson
"Maybe the mystery of the West Ranch fire is solved..."
Summary
"Went to London with SassyG and Evelyn, and learned that London with girls is very different that with all guys. A lot better looking for one thing :-P"
"Been to Railway and got my drink spiked with ProPlus"
"Regale me with anecdotes! Amuse me with stories! Shock me with revelations! Befuddle me with images! Excite me with placemats! Seduce me with metaphors! Fallump me with Hitachi DAP 761s! Pythagoras me with tangents! Stream me with consciousness!"
December (5 posts)
'Tis the 2006/2007 season
"note: that's Christmas. Not X-mas, Xmas, Chrimbo, 'smas or anything! So fuck your anti-religious sentiments! I'm sticking it to the man! That man there, his name's Geoff. Bad Geoff, bad! No biscuit for Geoff!"
"NERDGASM!!!! OMFG!!! Seriously. OMFG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111!!!!!"
"So, Christmas has been and gone with Jesus suffering his usual Birthday/Christmas hangover. The Chard too, has succumbed to the odd momnent of drunken revelry, but the less said about those the better really."
"Man I'm pathetic..."
==================
Thus ends 2006. Thank god, it was like a slightly less shit 2005 with added boredom and isolation.
Come on 2007, show me what you got mother fucker.
