RANDOM PICTURES!!!

Second post of today, remember to check below for my own Statii

The true way

Dinner Guest

SLACKER

Kiss and Make Up

The Height at which Doug can jump

Teh Cr00

The dangers of Drama on garden furniture

-
David Attenborough's "Phone Predators"

Here we see the BT Synergy 2110, calmly grazing in the office environment

But, in the lair behind the Mouse, the Nokia 2650 crouches, calmly stalking her prey.

Quietly, the Nokia 2650 stalks out into the undergrowth. The BT Synergy 2110, busy with it's feed, does not notice the predator only centimeters away

Suddenly, the Nokia pounces! The sudden noise makes the BT turn, but it is too late to use the single horn nature has given the gentle creature in defence

A bitter struggle ensues, the Nokia quickly overpowering its victim

Dead, the BT is dragged back behind the Mouse...

..and the Nokia consumes it's hard earned meal


On next weeks show, we will show you some things about staple removers you wouldn't believe.

'chard
Remember to check below for my own statii

Statii

Current Chess Status is:
1 win against Doug...
Current 3 Jacob's Cream Cracker eating status is:
Wasn't there for it... could try it now...*tries*
1:36. Not bad, not bad.
Current iPod status:
I don't have one...
Current Reading Status:
Page 59 of A Song of Ice and Fire, A Storm of Swords 2: Blood and Gold (long title)
2203 pages of 3664 pages through the first four books of ASoIaF.
Books read this Year:
All Narnias - CS Lewis
A Game of Thrones - George RR Martin
A Clash of Kings - George RR Martin
A Storm of Swords 1: Steel and Snow - George RR Martin
Hayao Miyazaki: Master of Japanese Animation - Helen McCarthy
Anime: From Akira to Mononoke - Susan J. Napier
On "To Read List"
Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien
Gormenghast - Mervyn Peake
Dance with Dragons (ASoIaF, thats if it comes out this year) - George RR Martin
All Potters (+Potter 7, if it comes out) - JK Rowling
Romance of the Three Kingdoms - Guanzhong Luo
Catch-22 - Joseph Heller (URGENT)
A Farewell to Arms - Ernest Hemingway
Comes a Horseman - Robert Liparulo
The Diary of Anne Frank - Anne Frank

Current Homework Status:
Coursework on the go
Current UCAS Status:
Hahahahaha...

Well, as you can see I am slightly out of place for most of these statuses. So I shall add my own!!!
Current Wikipedia status:
57 pages:
Bo (Weapon)
Chantelle
Chantelle (Disambiguation)
Chantelle Houghton
Craig Charles
Dagger-axe
Diao Chan
Dynasty Warriors
Filmizing
Four Beauties of Ancient China
Four Great Classical Novels of Chinese Literature
Gun (staff)
Hanbo
Hayao Miyazaki
Mehve
Ji (halberd)
Jo (Weapon
List of Red Dwarf Episodes
Lü Bu
Microsoft Windows
Minesweeper
Minesweeper (computer game)
Miyazaki
Muse (band)
Nausicaä of the Valley of the Wind
Piano Sonata No. 14 (Beethoven)
Power Rangers
Quarterstaff
Red Dwarf
Red dwarf
Romance of the Three Kingdoms
Search
Search
Search
Sforzando
Shikomizue
Smeghead
Stick Fighting
Stockholm Syndrome
Super Sentai
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
The Brittas Empire
Thunderbird
Thunderbirds (TV Series)
ThunderCats
Tony Hawks
V/STOL
Weapons of Mass Distraction
Windows 3.1x
Windows 95
Windows Vista
Yellow Turban Rebellion
Zord
Zords in Mighty Morphin Power Rangers

Ain't Wikipedia great? If you took the time you could work out how each of those links.

Drama performances tomorrow. Get your tickets!

'chard
Playing: Worms
Reading: 'A Storm of Swords2' - George RR Martin
Listening to: 'Futurism' - Muse
Watching: Other A2 plays
Annoyed with: Nat
Confused about: Water, and milk experiences
Mood: Tired
Song currently stuck in head: 'How do you sleep' - The Ordinary Boys
Favourite Song of the Minute: 'I Won't See You Tonight pt1' - Avenged Sevenfold

The non celebrity beat the real ones...>_<

Yes, Chantelle won. But, at least somone had the good sense to warp in a Dalek to put her out of her misery upon leaving the house.

Bad hair day

What's thius? a blog post again so soon? No my friends your eyes are not decieving you, this is indeed another post, though it is slightly linked with the last one in that its going to include a picture of Chantelle. After some criticism about her looks I decided to make her slightly more acceptable and less of a total chav (scumbag) by the ancient Metro art of the doodle. Here is the new, improved and more than slightly gothed up Chantelle:

Scroll down to see the original, just for reference. Also, I happen to think this is a pretty damn sexy bit of photography, with a slightly maudlin note at the end. Finally, it seems I have been recognised into my true place in fantasy literature! Yes, indeed, since according to Amok, I am Jaime Lannister! Or of course, depending on your view, i suppose i could pass as Cersei. Wow, linktastic paragraph. Also, two new webcomics on the side, Two Sides Wide which i had kept forgetting to put up, and A Chipmunk and a Lizard. For the joy it brings.

There are two things I wish to mention about today i find as pertinent to the existence of the me. The first contains many many pictures, and with the kind co-operation of Putfile (which for some shitty reason you have to register for), a rather swish video.

With the introduction of the uber cards,traditional games have been made exceedingly hilarious simply with the addition of these cards to the ranks. Uber Hearts, Uber Trumps, even Uber Category Snap. But there was one game that was truly going to be needed to be played, if the A4 monstrosities were to be truly tested. Tested to the MAX! The game was to be spit, but who could truly handle a game of Spit with cards the weight of an excercise book, yet still keep the speed and frenetic nature of the game intact? Meet our challengers!

The contender for the title, with 3 recent defeats against the champion, it's Richard 'Blurréd' Lewis!

With an as yet undefeated streak of 6 wins, the reigning spit champion, the Chardinator!

Two very determined contenders, true masters of the field. After the obligatory taunting, the deck is cut, and the choice of deck is made by the contender. 'chard looks calmly confident, the true overlord of the Uber table (we had to join 2 tables to get the nessecary playing space)

The two contenders deal out the set cards



And the game begins!!!

VIDEO: 12.6MB

After several rounds of harsh play, the end of the game is decided, and since the Chard was ahead for longer, he claims the victory!


Nice and novel there!

-

Right, so we have our A2 level devised practical drama performance in little over 4 days. Is this the sort of scenario we need?:

We are in the drama studio, WHERE WE ARE PERFORMING, and as we are setting out to start work, Mrs Johnson (bitch) comes in, claims she has a dance lesson in the room on Fridays (bullshit, we've had no drama lessons anywhere but the studio for the last 5 weeks) and sends US out of OUR space over a YEAR FUCKING EIGHT DANCE LESSON?! Urg, that woman boils my fucking blood. What the hell makes her think she has the right ot do that? We have an exam, 1 shot to do it, no retakes. She's only doing it because Pris wasn't in, and i am so telling her on monday. Sparks will fucking fly I tell you...

And to cap it off, what the fuck is wrong with women?!

A very vexed 'chard
Playing: Rez
Reading: 'A Storm of Swords' - George RR Martin
Listening to: 'The Glass Prison' - Dream Theatre
Watching: Nothing
Annoyed with: Johnson and she of the slit wrists
Confused about: Emotional dams
Mood: Lonely, very very so
Song currently stuck in head: 'Peter Gunn theme'
Favourite Song of the Minute: 'Second Heartbeat' - Avenged Sevenfold

Big Brother is watching you. Along with 3,000,000 mindless drones...

Do you know what is really fecking me off at the moment? "Celebrity" Big Brother. There are several reasons for this:

1. Where the hell are the celebrities?!
2. Why hasn't Barrymore killed anyone?!
3. They class an MP as a celebrity?!
4. Drama lessons have 10 minutes of discussion of the previous nights events as I sit twiddling my thumbs
5. Big Brother. George Orwell, 'Nineteen Eighty-Four', British. And the Netherlands showed it first...

Lets have a quick rundown of these Grade Q Celebrities:

Ah yes, first up is the ever lovely Chantelle. Never heard of her? Good, we're doing well so far. There is a very solid reason why you wouldn't have heard of her. She is the lead singer of that popular girl band Kandi Floss. Never heard of them either? There's a good reason for that too. The reason being simple. Her, her celebrity status and her band have only 1 thing in common: they don't exist. This girl has a lot to answer for. Is this such a world devoid of these iconic Adonii and Venii (funky pluralisation) named 'celebrities' that on a reality show where we expose their foibles, they actually have to go and invent a fake one? And actually have that as her hook? And see how far she can go to convince the rest of the housemates she's honest? Channel 4 has hit on a winner here. However, the REAL problem with her is this: in a world where many people hold celebrities as role models and insiprations for action and style, why is she, the fake, the best looking one in there? Unfortunately, she is most likely to win. However, my faith in humanity might be restored if the voting public (all four of them) have enough sense not to let a NON-celebrity win Celebrity BB. Though actually, even if Barrymore wins, that's still a non-celebrity winning.

Chantelle Predictions: Having won, she will have one single (hit or miss) under her fictitious band name, before either dwindling into obscurity or appearing every so often in male magazines with her tits out.

Dennis Rodman. Apparantly he was an American NBA basketball star. Ok, so Endemol dont just have problems finding real celebrities, but those they do find aren't even British. Well happy dappy doo dahs...

Dennis Predictions: Back to the obscurity from whence you came!

Faria, who is famous for sleeping with Sven-Goran Eriksson (i think). So, let me get this straight. I could attain minor celebrity status and an appearance on a chavtastic Channel 4 programme just by having sex with someone more famous than I? Though, with my lack of fame, I'd probably have to go at the Queen to elevate myself enough.

Faria Predictions: Most likely will appear in magazines like Pick Me Up (TRASH) talking of her escapades, before trying and failing to publish an autobiography.

There are so many things wrong with this man being in that house I can't even start. As a respectable (get it?) MP he should be out there trying to force us to live in this country grudgingly under laws, not pretending to be a fecking cat! What's next? Dubya on 'I'm a Celebrity'? Cherie in 'The Salon'? Urgh

George Predictions: He will choke and he will die. You saw it here first.

Ooh, finally someone I've heard of! Pity it's Jodie Marsh, rival to Jordan, the two biggest pair of tits with the two biggest pairs of tits. I have coined the phrase for this type of overly large breasted-tanned up slapper to be "Fruitbowl", due to a high volume of melons with a healthy coating of orange. However, this little Essex tart made a bit of a muck up of her appearance in the house after getting pretty well and truly harrassed by the rest of the housemates, reducing her to an almost total breakdown and plenty of tears. Ah, how i laughed...

Jodie Predictions: She'll carry on doing what she was doing. Unfortunatly...

Every series has at least one of these. The one housemate who can actually be close to being described as a total legend. This man claims this crown for many reasons, most prominantly due to the fact he's Welsh. The Welsh, as we all know are the providers of many sources of total awesome, probably because of Herbert. Plus, he takes the piss out of Chavrap. Hats off to the Maggotman!

Maggot Predictions: Chavs will buy GLC's albums, not aware that they are being ridiculed by it.

The sheer marketing genius of allowing this man into a house filled with drunken strangers with a swimming pool outside could only have been perpertrated by a true mastermind of the horribly ironic. Kudos to that man.

Michael Predictions: Close to Chantelle to win I would say. Simply 'cos then there'll be a public outcry and he gets to go back to court.

Big Brother series 2 (the only one i watched with much enthusiasm) was notorious for the inclusion of a fishtank. Many shots of the day would be intersected by a cut to the fish happily at play. I think there were even penalties if the fish died, and I even remember the winner sitting on his own in the house, clearing up and feeding the fish in his final moments. It seems this year the producers decided to let that fish, now all grown up from the guppy he once was, actually be a contestant! Ah, i kid i kid, this guy was truly 80's in a way only equalled by Boy George. And if only for being on the Wedding Singer soundtrack, I can accept this Pachyderm as a celebrity... 20 years ago...

Pete Predictions: Probably a re-release of Spin Me Round, which noone will buy because they'll either just download it or will already own it from when it was first cool.

Preston. Lead Singer of The Ordinary Boys. Altogether now... WHO!?!!

Preston Predictions: Will continue to feed Nat's fetishes for crap singing. And will next week be featuring the our A Level piece. Joy.



Any guesses? No? Thought not...

And as if reality TV could get no worse... they go and do this...

'chard
Playing: Rez
Reading: 'A Storm of Swords' - George RR Martin
Listening to: 'Butterflies and Hurricanes' - Muse
Watching: Nowt
Annoyed with: Bb
Confused about: Cabbits
Mood: Lonely
Song currently stuck in head: 'How do you Sleep?' The Ordinary Boys
Favourite Song of the Minute: 'X&Y' - Coldplay

The Dictionary of 'chard #1

Aquafelixaphobia
Medical, n

The bizarrely disquieting feeling only attained by having a cat watch you as you shower (see Fig a.)




Fig a.

Comes with PillageX for first 100 orders

Whilst strolling through the site of wonders that is Wikipedia, I came across (please dont ask how...) something wonderful. Let me introduce it with a little bit of spiel:

Imagine you're a woman. Unless you are in fact a woman, in which case skip that one and just be you. You're walking home, its dark... suddenly from up ahead a dark figure comes up to you and asks the time... coudl this man be a rapist?! Oh, if only you hadn't left the mace/gun/grenade/axe on the side when you left for the party! If only there was some way you could feel safe walking these dark lonely streets! As it turns out, the dark figuire was a woman, but even so, the point stands.

So how could you feel safe from rape? Or even, if you were raped, how could you inflict pain on the rapist in order to get away? And how could you prove that he did in fact try to rape you when it comes to court?

Never fear, my dears, for now you have the RapeX!
Observe the official site, and if you are women then cheer your salvation, and if you are men then prepare to wince...

Now, im not about to cheapen something that will obviously set many peoples minds at risk or anything, and if they wish to create a real vagina dentata (as seen in the Lion King) then by all means. I just have a few issues to raise in my deeply cynical mode that will no doubt lead to MORE hatemail (see next post). Let me paint you another scenario. The red bits are for the girls, the blue for the guys, k? (WARNING! STEREOTYPES ABOUND!)

You are with your boyfriend, but things havent been going well. It's not him, it's you, but no matter what you try, you cant bring yourself to say anything to him. He's a nice enough guy and all, and he's funny, and all your friends like him, he's really sensitive, rippling muscles, thoughtful, kind, considerate, sympathetic; the perfect guy. But, the way he talked to that other girl... the one he's 'just friends' with... sigh... why are all men like this? At the end of the day, he's a man, and men are all pigs (and rapists, said that funny Greer woman off the telly)

So, she's a really great girl. Great pair of tits, nice arse, legs from here to Glasgow that, like the garage, aren't afraid to open at the touch of a button. Valentine's day coming up, so her thoughts have naturally turned to 'romantic' and 'loving' things. You know, all that soppy crap like holding hands, roses, and even (god forbid) foreplay. Still, it's worth going through all that stuff. At the end of the day she's a lot better than that girl you had last Friday up against the wall of the club.

But how could you break up with him? He's so sensitive, it would just break his heart, and you couldnt do that to him? After all, you're his first true love, (he said so!) and it would be so hard on him. Oh, what are you to do?

Actually, there was that blonde from the other night. She seemed up for some...

After more stream of consciousness, you and your partner are turning off the light...

...next day, the guy is in hospital having a Patented RapeX surgically removed, with the words "Hey, sorry about this but i dont think we should see each other any more" written in pink marker.

IT COULD HAPPEN!!!

'cynical 'chard

Just a quickie

Dear Mr/Mrs,
We have encountered a serious problem. We have a virus on our machines and is spreading from computer to computer. All your email addresses are on our computers and now we have made them safe, so the virus cannot spread to your computer, but we still need your help. If you forward this message to everyone you know, then you will give us the technology to delete this virus and prevent your system from becoming infected. If you don't forward this message, then you will pay the penatly, your bebo account will be infected, so your system will be infected, and you will loose your bebo account within 12 days notice. We will no because this message it tagged, and will be tagged with the people you will send to, and we will keep checking our datebases for people that are deleting these messages. Remember this virus is deadly, even Norton cannot delete it. So please help us. Thank you
Yours truly
The bebo team

Bebo team no: 562789356-678
Office: 342

>>PLEASE DO NOT REPLY TO THIS MESSAGE AS IT IS AN AUTOMATED RESPONSE<<

Oh no! I'd better do as it says... or should I? This was recieved by yours truly a few days ago, and illustrates one of my alltime REAL hates. Chain letters, specifically the one's (ironically) warning of a virus or an account expiry. I replied telling the sendee that it was a peice of cow excrement, to be sent a reply that was "Maybe, but just being safe." Safe from what? Let us probe deep into this message, and show EXACTLY why this peice of rubbish is NOT legit (though in fairness it looks more so than the MSN ones...)

• We have a virus on our machines and is spreading from computer to computer

Right. How? bebo won't let you have attachments in mails, let alone attachments with any macros that may contain malicious code. If a virus was spreading it would be on the central servers, not individual computers.

• All your email addresses are on our computers and now we have made them safe, so the virus cannot spread to your computer

...so how is it spreading from computer to computer if it cant spread to my computer? Not to mention, how would a bebo message get into my Hotmail account?

• If you forward this message to everyone you know, then you will give us the technology to delete this virus and prevent your system from becoming infected

What the fuck... how the HELL is that going to work? "OHMIGOSH it went to the 100th account and lyke Norton got an UBER upgrade and now has cannons!". If you still think it's legit after that you must have a brain the size of an iPod Pico...

• If you don't forward this message, then you will pay the penatly

SPELLING MISTAKE!!! THERE'S A GODDAMN SPELLING MISTAKE!!! ITS FAKE YOU EMO FUCKER!!!

• your bebo account will be infected, so your system will be infected

Just to contradict the fact that "the virus cannot spread to your computer"...

• and you will loose...

SPELLING MISTAKE! ARG!!! YOU FUCKING TOOL!!!

• ...your bebo account within 12 days notice

Holy shit, this is one pissed off virus! Move over MyDoom...

• We will no because this message it tagged

WHAT THE LIVING FUCK?!! WHAT IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT LIVES ON HELL OR EARTH?!!!

• and we will keep checking our datebases for people that are deleting these messages

What's a datebase?!

• Remember this virus is deadly, even Norton cannot delete it

So even the cannon equipped Norton can't help... but... I dont want to 'loose' my precious precious account! Noo!!!

• Bebo team no: 562789356-678
  Office: 342

That's a huge team...


Not been a fun evening.
'chard

'chard's going to burn in hell, kiddies!

Greed:	High
Gluttony:	Medium
Wrath:	Very High
Sloth:	High
Envy:	Medium
Lust:	Very High
Pride:	High

Take the Seven Deadly Sins Quiz

...ah

Grilled to a small degree or extent

Yes, indeed we've turned to a more high brow world now that 2006 (and the illness that plagued me) is in full swing. For why, do you ask, are we being faux posh and all that? The reason is m'dear boy, is that this post turns to the high brow world of art and artistry! Deep in the heart of Oxfard (much posher than it's rival, Camebridge) our very own Croo have made an historic discovery! (for more info of the croo, check the end of this post) In the deep vaults, below the port cellars and the silver cutlery dishwashers, they unearthed a previously undiscovered work of art!

Dating techniques have placed it at the start of the 1920's, but other that that we know nothing. To this end, slightly 'chard has enlisted the help of two notable art critics (would have been 3 but she didn't phone) to provide their own takes on just what this art is meant to represent, Stompp and Helen Oxenham PhD. First up, for we in the upper classes believe ladies should come first...well, so Sarah managed to pursuade me...ahem anyway, yes here we present the study from Helen Oxenham MA:

This, like many of the more successful pieces of art created in these days of creative fluidity, is not just a pretty picture. Rather it provokes an intimate reflection of society in this, the ever increasingly multi cultural Britain, providing insights into the more troubled aspects of race relations. The jagged lines gradually overflowing from white to black spaces show the ever persistent problems of the ghetto syndrome, the isolating of minorities until the oppression they face causes them to rebel, as shown in the race riots following apartheid in the USA. However, the central line, to which the eye is immediately drawn, is smoother, more intense, showing that still there is hope, the climate of violence is decreasing and a more neutral society taking hold. Of course this work is open to great interpretation, and this in itself proves its own success – the artist clearly wished to make people take notice, debate and such is the case. This is true contemporary art, the art of our times.

Ms Oxenham BA's study contains many readings that we agree with, and can see which angle she is approaching this piece from. Showing the idea's of ethnicity could help date this piece in a contextual manner, perhaps moving it closer to the incidents of the 50's and 60's as far as race relations in America are concerned. Ms Oxenham WC however may be looking at the piece from entirely the wrong angle (especially since we don't actually know which way up the bloody thing is meant to be), and so we turn now to Professor Horatio Wilburforce Stompp for his own unique ideas:

Attributed to an artist of unknown origin, this fascinating piece reveals insights into the human condition most composers of graphite can only dream of achieving: the coarse, complex layers (interwoven with a somewhat nonchalant attitude, or at least melancholy to the extent of inducing an overwhelming sense of lethargy) portray the diminished dignity an individual experiences through the tragic loss of innocence that exists within an adult world, a world of monotone shades and jagged, broken souls. Eschewing intense colour in favour of stark, geometric statements we can consider the mind of its creator (whomever genius that may have been – I suspect Picasso given the sheer spectacle of it all) to be in an aggressive temperament, seeking one thing only – to make a point by standing against the status quo of the art world, and to do it in such a way as to bewilder and awe onlookers with confidence and fidelity. This is the future of graphic representation, and as a timeless classic should never be forgotten.- Stompp 2006

A fine observation and a well structured critique. Translations in the comments please. Want to know what I dont like? If you havent guessed, it's things like THIS

And THIS

And THIS trash!

As Stompp put it after correcting me (correctly) on my passionate hate: "concept art is the small, bitchy sister of real art that gets all the attention". Why cant we have real art? Like this sterling work?


Ah well. Not much I can do. Once I'm no longer forced to be in the same room as Jeremy Farr I can be happy. God I can't stand him...
-
As for the Croo, I plan to to a total retcon (i love IWC) of it, starting again with a whole new story, and set of characters. Mostly because I know what it's like slightly better and the previous story didn't lend itself to much flexibility. Besides, I need something else besides a person I can hate without getting my knuckles all goopy (the Oxfard links to the hates is unfortunate, but i can parody him). What you think? Comments aplenty

'chard

Playing: Shadow the Hedgehog
Reading: 'The Silver Chair' - C.S. Lewis
Listening to: 'Two for Tragedy' - Nightwish
Watching: Nothing
Annoyed with: ART
Confused about: <3 style="font-weight: bold;">Mood: Dog with cantaloupe
Song currently stuck in head: 'Azerbaijan's national anthem'
Favourite Song of the Minute: 'X&Y' - Coldplay