June 25, 2006

Thriller

Thriller Night. Really, real horror show. First off, allow me to make you all aww
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Proper post tomorrow. Certain people and computers are being total cunts. Ttyl

June 12, 2006

Filler

Why am I the only person who actually has a massive fucking hate of the heat? Chalk it up to being your typical introvert with his vampiric desire for shade (hold the blood please) but seriously, enough is enough. It's currently 23.17 (you know, night, when the sun is no longer shining and it should get cooler?), the french windows are open, and yet i am still here red as a beetroot with sweat pouring out of my forehead like it grew up aspiring to be a waterfall when it grew up.

And you know what? Heat irritates me. Not just cos its blinding and all that, but I do get really hot and bothered (punnage) in this weather. And it just annoys me more when people say to me "But it's glorious weather, it's great, i love the sun, I'm going to have it's babies etcetcetc". First off, when was the heat and light 'good' weather?! Why is rain and cloud 'bad' weather? Both are as natural as each other, why the preference? Cna anyone really give me a reason why sun is better than rain? I can give you my reason for rain over sun (which actually invariably wins me any argument on the subject). Sun causes sunburn,which takes a week (ish) to disappear completely, leaving you scarred, possibly with peeling skin and a higher risk of skin cancer (might kill you). And that's from about... an hour unprotected at midday? Rain, on the other hand, get you wet, perhaps cold if theres a wind blowing. How long does it take to cure yourself of that? 20 minutes with a towel, a mug of a warm drink and a feel good film. Ok yes,hypothermia and pneumonia etc etc, but only if you are out in the cold and damp for long enoughand dont get warm or dry. But in the same time space as the sun exposure, an hour at midday, you don'thave much to worry about (and who doesn't want an excuse to relax?). As Billy Connolly said, 'there's no such thing as the wrong weather, there's only the wrong clothes'.

There's only 3 things I thank the sun for: Nature, salads and female fashion.
Not that the last one of those is at all benefitial for the sweating tomato man of doom here.

Oh, and to anyone who like me this morning, has to go through a 3 hour long exam in this heat. I pity you. So, so much...

To paraphrase Tim Buckley:

"Dear Sun,

FUCK OFF!!!

Kisses and Lollipops,
'chard"

Real post coming soon, i swear

May 11, 2006

Scientifically 'chard

There are questions that have plagued mortal men for centuries. Scientific minds have baffled their wits in search of the answers. The reason they couldn't attain the answer to such questions as 'what is the meaning of life', and 'did I leave the gas on' was simple. They weren't me ('drinking and f*cking' and 'yes, your house is burning down' are the respective answers by the way). So, in this scientifically minded post, I attempt to disprove the folly that is the Serving Suggestion and the product description...

...of the humble Cup-a-Soup It was that wise and northern philosopher Peter Kay that first uttered the eternal admission that 'noone dares make cup a soup in a bowl'. Well, since I am currently struck down with tonsillitus, and Steve insisted i don't waste my time while slacking off without the ability to swallow without dying, I decided to do something worthwhile and harken back to my GCSE year science lessons. So, without further ado:

Experiment to prove whether Cup-A-Soup can be made in a bowl, despite Trade Description and Serving Suggestion.

In this experiment I will attempt to prove that the Cup-a-Soup brand is severly limiting it's own potential. I will therefore transplant the usual serving method of the cup in favour of a bowl, and test whether this adversely affects the quality of the Cup-A-Soup experience.

Plan:

I will make up the soup by the advised method on the packaging, in both a cup and a bowl simultaneously. I will be using 1 sachet of the soup granules each, and exactly 1 cup of boiling water. Each will be stirred the same amount (10 times clockwise then anti clockwise). Thne I will test how the different methods of serving the soup compare in quality, to determine which is the more successful.

Equipment needed:

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The Cup-A-Soup, a bowl and a cup
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A boiled kettle and secondary cup, which will be used to measure the amount of water used in the experiment.

Considerations:

Due to the fact that Chicken and Sweetcorn is the nicest brand of Cup-A-Soup available, it came to some dismay when I could only find it under the Slim-A-Soup brand. However, it should be treated as traditional Cup-A-Soup for two reasons:
  1. If serving Cup-A-Soup in a bowl is mad, then how can you serve soup in a slim?
  2. The instructions on the back still only outline the use of the product in relation to cups or mugs. Still no reference to bowls:
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In order to keep this a fair test, everything that is done for the cup must be done for the bowl, so as not to bias the results in favour of either. The water will be freshly boiled for both, and will be the same amount for both cup and bowl (in order to keep a similar ratio of water to granules). Both of the Cup-A-Soup sachets are from the same box, and have the same batch code (note, it is assumed that both sachets contain equal amounts)
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Finally, the spoons used to stir the soup will both be teaspoons of the same design, so as not to give any extra agitation and bias the results.

The Experiment!

Both the cup and the bowl have the cup a soup sachets added
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and a cup of water is poured on them, careful to not spill any...
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...sort of. In response to the spillage, the bowl recieves slightly less water
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Then comes the sediment test. The two containers are stirred equally 10 times in circumference clockwise then anticlockwise to agitate the soup sediment.
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God, I look rough... anyway, the spoons are then scraped across the bottom of the containers, and brought to the surface, in order to see how well the stirring helped dissolve the soup granules.
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(note, spoons are the same size, I was just holding them funny) Anyway, it can be seen that the bowl (right) and the cup (left) are pretty much the same in effectiveness. The soups are then left to stand for a minute for the cooling test:
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PING
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Our intrepid (yet incredibly rough in the looks department, saved only by the hair) scientist then takes a taste of a sample of both soups:
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And determines that not only had the soup cooled quicker, but that it actually tasted slightly nicer into the bargain!

Evaluation:

Ok, so the bowl had a larger area to be stirred, but the fact that the cup had more power in the stir ( due to the leser surface area) eventually ailed itself nothing. Upon eventual drinking of the soups it was actually revealed that there was still sediment remaining:
The cup
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The bowl.
So the bowl won the stirring test, the cooling taste and (subjectively) the taste test!

Conclusion:

It is PERFECTLY possible, and even possibly desirable to make cup-a-soup in a bowl. However, the practicality of being able to drink your soup should not be overlooked and so, while it is possible to do so, the jury will remain at a loss to decide whether it is actually preferable to make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

Yes, I AM that bored.

Playing: StarCraft
Reading: Catch-22
Listening to: 'Supermassive Blackhole' - Muse
Annoyed with: Tonsils
Mood: Bored
Song currently stuck in head: 'You Know What They Do To Guys Like Us In Prison' - My Chemical Romance
Favourite Song of the Minute: 'You Know What They Do To Guys Like Us In Prison' - My Chemical Romance

May 06, 2006

The Leavers Ball (and/or What You Will)

(This may be photo heavy or not, depends how it goes. Any I don't get can be found on the spanky danky Flickr)

Ok, i'm now about to pay for not getting these done sooner aren't I? At least it should stave off both boredom and work, neither of which i really want to be burdened with right at the moment. So, for the last 6 weeks in Drama, we have been working on Unit...5? of our course, our final practical performance examination which, being scripted, ended up being Twelth Night (or What You Will, hence the name). On the Thursday my esteemed guests were Helen, Helen, Steve, Lewis, almost Nick Staines and the Almighty Powerful and Complete and Utterly UBER STOMPPMAN OF POWER AND DOOOOOM!!!.(Good to see you there man, congrats on the legroom ;D) and the audience on the Friday contained such special guest celebrities as Dan, Dave, Rob, Jon and the ever lovely Sa. Oh and mum dad and my grandmother, which was lovely and nice. If any of you arent so familiar with what happens in Twelfth Night, basic plot is that 2 twins are seperated, and the girl goes to work for this duke who she falls in love while he sends her off to chat up the girl he likes, who in turn falls in love with the girl twin, until the boy twin comes along, gets mistaken for the girl twin by the dukes girl, and they all have an orgy, during which Shakespearian scholars from Mars come to the village and take the Duke hostage. The twins then fuse together to produce some giant uber powerful anime type thing and fight the aliens, while trained monkeys are dancing on trapezes above the stage. It all ends when a giant Rhino called reginald come on stage demanding to get a job as a tailor, and (shakespeare being shakespeare) makes many many dirty jokes about horns, at which point the duke gets with the monkeys, the twins have triplets and the dukes girl turns into a pot of Jam.

Well, ok it ends somewhat differently I guess. Just wanted to make it less confunsing. So, piccychars!
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Ah, the me. My opening lines here, telling of my angsty and emolike unrequited love for Olivia. Loving the costume
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Me chatting to Danielle, telling her to go set me up with Olivia. See the love beginning?
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Malvolio (Rich) interrupting Alex's party. Grr, we say
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Rich, as Malvolio reading the letter from Maria pretending to be Olivia saying that Olivia fancies Malvolio. However, i think something happend in the prop department, and the letter was actually a scroll with the invocation to allow people to fly (and or go into Bullet Time):
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Me as Antonio (different character see? You can tell, less bling, more shirt and mad hair)
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Ashley doing what he does worst: Acting. See the love not in my eyes? (nah, lave you ash :P)
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BEST. PHOTO. EVER!!! Look at that hair man! Double-take!! FUCK YEAH!!! (note the !'s ascending in number there). LOOK AT IT!!! You should all be kissing my feet due to the awesomeness of that photo!
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Malvolio, beaten and humiliated, tells us he'll be revenged on us all...
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So we start singing and dancing. Sorry to all those who had to hear me sing...
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Look at 'im then! Wanktabulous photo there, the erotic dream of male and female alike (female mostly)
Sarah, stop reading now.
Ah, good times. Last ever performance at LPBS :'(... I'm sad now..
But still, W00t! The Leaver's Ball!
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So wasn't going to go, but bullies and peer pressure being what they are, I paid my £20 like most of the rest of us, and with the transportation power of Steve's mum (cheers muchly) we arrived at Bromley Court Hotel (should have done Tuxedo Quasar first guys :P). However, no mother would let their offspring go to something as pointless as this without the obligatory shot of the child, the clothes and the garden (preferably combined), and I got 2! Lucky me...
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Seriously, how does this guy NOT spend all day in the slavery of viciously horny women? Actually, might have been something to do with the tie. Look at the thing, it's huge!
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Could of course be the fact you won't see me smile in any of these. Eh.
I was also the only person kitted out for a funeral (rockon \m/), though even in white the rest of the lads looked exceptionally handsome
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(Helen there, 1 of many non-guys)
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Chris!!! Legend!
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Ash!!! Gay!
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Gary!!! Chav!
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Back of Evelyn's head there. Was meant to be this:
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Nick being inappropriate with my mother there. Tut...
lpbs prom 008
Like mother like son. see where i get the hair from?
So yeh, there was fun to be had, and FAR too much alcohol (sorry Helen, i'm a shithead). I had 35 squids worth of money, eventually spending all but 2 of them on drinks (though, in my defense i did buy a wine for Evelyn, 2 smirnoff Ices for Rach, a pint for Rob and some water for dan). And there was food! And teachers who got pissed! FANTASTIC!
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Butterworth looks like a forlorn puppy behind Sav there :D
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The BEAST!! Ooh how evil he is... Helen looks kinda angry there... DOMESTIC!
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Tables!!! TABLES!!! HOT PISS!!
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Ok, the music wasnt great. Mostly chav crap (with Kaiser Chiefs and Europe being amazing exceptions) but still providing much dancy goodness.
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And much immense love to the Pris, (drama teacher for the last 4 years). Luverly woman, if a total bitch sometimes.
And what party is complete without a cupboard on its side containing some very nautical types?
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All in all a fantastic evening, though what anyone might have witnessed towards the end goes nowhere a'ight? (I'll never look at a 119 journey quite correctly again) And sorry for passing out dear...

Playing: StarCraft (Pwnage)
Reading: Catch-22
Listening to: 'I Predict a Riot' - Kaiser Chief
Annoyed with: Turned off phones
Mood: fuckyeh
Song currently stuck in head: 'I Predict a Riot' - Kaiser Chiefs
Favourite Song of the Minute: All of Ascendancy/ 'Helena' - My Chemical Romance

April 29, 2006

Stealing

Since Flickr is currently being an anal passage, I am going to put off the Twelfth Night blog until tomorrow (with PICCYCHARDS!) in favour of annoying Steve by stealing his thing regarding himself. Except about me. So, obligatory mugshot:

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Oh yeh, drink in the sex. Of course, notmany know that, courtesy of the Hammed Oxen, I now live a double life as a dashing, daring, dastardly and altogether 'D' adjectived highwayman!
Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
Forced smiles aplenty.

Letsa go! So longa de Bowsair...

Name: Richard Matthew Stewart WC SAT GCSE AS
Age: 17
Height: Whereever Steve is. Ish.
Weight: Fluctuating between !4st and 15st. And noone ever believes that.
Hair colour: Blonde. Rawr
Hair Style: Long flowing; Cascading.
Eye Colour: Blue. Aeryn!
Blood type: O damn i dont know..
Status: Single, waiting to be swept off my feet, or in turn sweep.
Build: BOOBIES!!! Erm, big. But deceptively so.
Siblings: Mon frére
Pets: Wallace, Chipmunk, Patch and Blackcat
Pro-life or pro-choice: Choice. Liberal skank
Right or left: I cant remeber which is which. Whichever all the bad people arent and all the good people are.
Favourite food: A good sandwich. Rock on.
Favourite beverage: Ribna or, in agreement with Steve, BIER!!!
Chosen degree subject: Cough. Probably Drama
Chosen Unis: Cough.
Personality: Far too nice for my own good. Meaning if i don't like you i'm gonna have to bitch behind your back. Not that I do much, I try and like everyone. Always end up copying others's foibles and mannerisms to ingratiate myself, to the point where the advice 'be yourself' is fecking pointless since I don't have a myself. Also, currently possess about 21 self inflicted steak knife scars on my right arm, so you can work out the name of that personality defect easily (no steve, not women ;P)
What I like about girls: Girls are amazing creatures. I love the female gender, becuase they're amazing listeners, can bring out the best in me, are ALL beautiful both outside and in, smell nicer than men, and are just as much of a laugh. However, get too emotional, clingy, crazy, possessive or start trying to run MY life how YOU think I should, and you will be the only person to see me at my worst.
Music tastes: Seriously, anything good. Even if i slag off some band one week I can be really into them the next (so, no steve, I'm not going to be ashamed ;)). Metal is my love, Slipknot rocking the way forward in that category, with Nightwish and Lacuna Coil sorting out the Goth Symphonic side of things, Muse The Killers and Coldplay being the Lighter half. With a little punk from Greenday and a slight inkling for the Emo/Metalcore from Trivium, MCR and Avenged Sevenfold. Finally Bill Bailey and Tenacious D filling the comedy, and Linkin Park and Gorillaz adding some Hiphop to the final blend. Mmm.
Film tastes: Anything good. Anime is nice.
Tv shows: Dr Who. Never watch anything else unless its on DVD, in whcih case Futurama, Family Guy and the extensive AWESOMENESS that is Firefly.
Hobbies: MSN. Counts doesnt it? Love creative writing and have a massive passion for acting, even if im not that confidant and/or am shite at it. Plus gaming, love me some of that.
Nationality: English.
Heritage: English, Scottish. Apparantly you go back for enough there's some Pirate in me too :-D
Favourite colour: Red/Black
Favourite metal: Aluminium. 'Cos Americans can't say it.
Favourite non-metal: Helen
Dislikes: Chavs.
Pet type: Cats, mix of tabby Tortoiseshell and runt :P
Pet age: 3 years and 6 months ish for the kittens, no idea for Wallace
House: Still standing with a 29 on the door
Parents still married?: Yup
Intelligence: Slowly going down the toilet
Gender: Rugged macho man
Sexual orientation: Straight
Homophobe?: 'I've got nothing against homophobia, as long as they do it behind closed doors and don;t hurt anyone.' I got no problem with it.
Anything else-phobe: HATE HEIGHTS. And I'm scared of the dark.
Been on a boat?: Aye
A plane: Aye
A hovercraft: Alas
Town of residence: West Wickham, Middle of Nowhere, Ipswich
Any crushes?: Ahem, moving on
Best mate?: Too many.
Am I mad? HAHAHHAAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHAAHAno...KILKILLLKILL...
Lonely?: very
Feeling towards exams?: COME ON YOU MOTHER FUCKERS! GIVE ME WHAT YOU GOT! *said while stripped to the waist brandishing a large sword and automatic gun of some kind*
Do I like you? ...whos asking these?
Distinguishing features: Teh hair
Any skills?: Making no sense. Noticed? Oh, and according to Helen I'm good at hugs, and according to Rachel mny amazing skill is being able to wear tracksuit trousers without looking lke a chav. Score!
What would you do if in command of all?: Tear shit to shit >:-D
Thoughts of future: Taknig each second as it comes.
What's that?: It's a small word with a T at each and HA in the middle.
Cock size: More to love. No hang on..
Favourite sport: ...sp....ort?...
Favourite real animal: Cats
Favourite mythical creature: DRAGONS!!! MWAHHAAHA
Date of birth: 6/6/88
Star sign: Gemineminemini
Chinese new year: Dragon.
Happy?: Sometimes, with some people
EMO!: Oh shut up, yes
Then what are you?: Chard
Errr...: ISIT?
Fine: here you are officer, won't do it again
Religious: Eh. When im in the mood.

In other news I had the company of 2 lovely ladies, first Sarah who had fun being late for lunch and then I got attacked by a blonde bespectacled one who then fell asleep on me. Boring old me.

Playing: Fable
Reading: Feast For Crows - George R. R. Martin
Listening to: 'Uno' - Muse
Annoyed with: Me
Mood: Contently not sleepy
Song currently stuck in head: 'Sound of the Underground' - Girls Aloud
Favourite Song of the Minute: 'Morgenstern/Ohne Dich' - Rammstein

April 28, 2006

Taking the piss somewhat?


Look at that. Wii. Why the hell? Note the lack of 'Nintendo Wii' (which Paul irritatingly seems to miss), suggesting perhaps a selfconscious lack of association with their own product. "Wii? Oh no, don't look at us. Not the Nintendo Wii, just Wii."
The only good thing about it is that, yes the jokes ARE endless. Cream of the crop being "Wii will break down that wall that separates game players from everybody else".

Meh. Who am I to complain? I share a name with a Swiss Vegetable. I suppose Nintendo are right when they say:

"...it's really not about you or me. It's about Wii. And together, Wii will change everything."

Giggle.

Wii are 'chard

Playing: Fable
Reading: Feast For Crows - George R. R. Martin
Listening to: 'Ashamed' - Muse
Annoyed with: Nintendo
Mood: Wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!!
Song currently stuck in head: 'Double Team' - Tenacious D
Favourite Song of the Minute: 'The Ghost of You' - *COUGH*My Chemical Romance*COUGH*